W5 PLAYER CYOA - Daigo, Eupha, Saber, Wisadel

[holyspirits]

fist fist fist fist

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WELCOME TO DONK CITY

[boxcar]

[ Good morning everybody! At some point you realise you've found yourself in a strange place. Welcome to Donk City, a totally radical and awesome 80's style cyber-punk vapourwave-type city that vaguely reminds you of Chicago but not in the best ways. The Bean is probably somewhere.

You've lived lives here. Behold them. ]

SABER - KUNG FURY

You were once a normal big-city cop. You were partnered with another cop, Lucas—someone you were quite close to and looked up to a lot. They were your mentor, as well as your partner. Your ment-ner. You did everything together. In no time, you were a first-rate officer… as long as you were with them.

One day you were both assigned to a massive case. A Kung Fu Master (KFM) was on the run, and you were to apprehend him. After a grueling chase, you finally corner the KFM in an alleyway and cuff him. A job well done! Your ment-ner was proud of you.

"I'm proud of you," Lucas said. "You're like a [son/daughter] to me."

Then everything fell apart. Literally. You witnessed your partner be split in half in the blink of an eye. You could tell he was dead, straight off. The KFM had pulled out a hidden sword and murdered your ment-ner in the middle of your awesome bonding moment.

You were filled with hurt. It was partially because of the death of your ment-ner. It was also partially because you got bit by a magic cobra, and also because you were struck by lightning. In that instant you saw beyond the fabric of reality, peered into visions of countless Xiaolin temples where you witnessed the birth of a prophecy: the heralding of the true Kung Fury. You received unfathomable power and instantaneously became a master of martial arts. You turn the tables on the fugitive KFM and deliver a powerful martial punch to his balls, obliterating him instantaneously. You took a memento from the scene, something to remember this moment forever by.

Ever since then you have used your powers for good, becoming a vigilante cop acting in the interest of the greater good and destroying fiends who would threaten the safety of Donk City.

You receive:

KUNG FU MASTERY: Nobody knows kung fu better than you.
A MEMENTO: You'll never forget (you can choose what this is).
SUPER-STRENGTH: You can lift harder than anyone else.

---

EUPHAUSIA ETOREIKA - HACKERMAN

You used to be an ordinary salaryWOman. You spent a lot of your time staring into computer screens, refining scary numbers for a company that didn't appreciate your talent. You were a sleuth at the keyboard and really, really good at cleaning up those scary numbers. It was a solidly average sort of life. You weren't happy, but you weren't unhappy either.

It all changed one day at the office. You signed in for work one day to read an e-mail you got from the company. "Good morning," it read. "There is a bug going around the company. Take care not to catch it as you complete your tasks today. Please note that the CEO is out of office today due to concerns of the aforementioned bug."

You were up to date with your shots, because you are a very responsible member of society and most definitely have health insurance provided by this company. You figured you should be okay. That was until the hour leading up to your lunch break when your numbers suddenly started looking extra-scary. You realise, perhaps a moment too late, that it is because it was not numbers, but it was actually a code-spider on your screen. It was the bug, and it was extremely literal. You couldn't move fast enough and you were bitten by the code-spider. For a moment, you see the world as it truly is: nothing but a pile of code strung together in serendipity, numbers weaving infinity. And where there are numbers, there is change.

"Euphausia! What are you doing? Go back to looking at scary numbers!"

Your supervisor, Edeni, was yelling at you because you had stood up on your desk without realising it. You notice how messy his coding is. He doesn't even have any line breaks. And you WORK for this poser?

"Screw this! I quit!"

You quit your job on the spot and teach yourself how to hack via the Internet. You also become incredibly fast at typing. That's just something the code-spider did to you. It doesn't mean that what you type is necessarily legible, but that doesn't change the fact that nobody can keysmash quicker than you can. You tell yourself that you will fix the bugs of reality and make the world a better place.

You receive:

HACKING: The fabric of reality is held together via spaghetti code. You can make minor alterations to your surroundings or others through the power of CMD.
90'S COMPUTER KEYBOARD: It makes nice sounds and is built like a brick.
DVD SHURIKEN: A dozen-pack of Supernatural on DVD.

---

DAIGO DOJIMA - TRICERACOPS

It's the accent, isn't it?

You receive:

DIPLOMACY: People are slightly more willing to hear you out.
GLOCK: Justice incarnate. And there is no limit to justice (bullets).
DINOSAUR: You are a dinosaur. How literal this is is up to you.

---

WIŠ'ADEL - BARBARILLA

You've always loved the digital countryside. It's where you grew up after all, living your silly viking life and raising dinosaurs. You look back on those days with fondness. Every morning you woke up early to hunt giant squids for their legs to feed your precious lizards, because buying omelettes was too expensive (egg prices, you know how it is). Every evening you would help keep them fit by playing Meerca Chase, participating in local clean-ups to earn enough money to buy magical viking paintbrushes that made your dinosaurs look super colourful and awesome.

Your hobby was showing off your prized dinosaurs at the national Dineopets Trophy Show. You were very proud of them and loved seeing them appreciated of course, but you also had another goal in mind. You had to trounce your rival. You think their name was something like Gabiel or Gavin or whatever but you mostly simply knew them as "the Tool", because they didn't deserve to have a name. The fight was close every time, but you always edged out a win. Something you were very smug about.

Today, things seemed different. The Tool seemed awfully confident, but you equaled that to their insufferable fucker ego. You always won in the end and you knew this time would be no different. The inspection time came and you sent off your best dinosaur to the frontlines to show off.

Then, something unimaginable happened. Under the hot lights of the show, the paint started melting off! No! You paid about a two-dozen cart of eggs' worth for that!

You suffered a humiliating disqualification. You were despairing over how such a thing could happen. This championship show was supposed to be your ticket to retirement. As you Arrested Development Sad Walk out of the venue, you notice something. A receipt fallen outside of the Tool's waiting room for fake paintbrushes that they bought from the Hell Store (they changed their name to Spencers since, because apparently the Hell Store wasn't really customer-friendly).

"That tool!" you exclaimed.

You knew what you had to do. You had to change reality itself and stop the Tool from going to the Hell Store and buying the paintbrushes he needed to sabotage you in the first place. You set out with what you need, determined in your new mission…

You receive:

MACHINE GUN: What do you want me to say. That it's fucking awesome? Because it is.
TRADITIONAL HORN: For calling a friend (dinosaur) in the time of your need.
VIKING HELM: Which is also fucking awesome. It protects your noggin.

---

[ You wake up feeling fresh as fuck on this brand new morning with your lives in tow, memories bizarre, and pockets empty outside of what your Donk AUs have given you. There seems to be a bit of commotion on the streets, and the old brick-style tellies are trying to pick up on the hottest new goss. You can talk a bit amongst yourselves and get situated before we start sending you along! ]

TALK ABOUT IT

[boxcar]

[rippled]

[ well okay.

the big city cop in saber is still in there, i suppose, so when they hear commotion they will go! they are holding onto their trusty memento which is a (looks at smudged writing) old snoopy doll because it was found in an alley.

they walk up to whoever is close by who also looks nosy. ]

Do you know what's happening here?

[ugghh]

[ i'm going to disappoint everyone and say daigo is not a literal dinosaur, but he is a dinosaur in spirit (old). he is also, somehow, wearing something like any of these but i'm too intimidated to photoshop that. maybe somehow all five at once. he's a big guy. ]

No.

[ idk what a dinosaur accent sounds like. ]

[sarkazm]

[hey COPS AND NERDS. you've got one lady with a machine gun and a sweet little kitty out here trying to track your asses back down, whenever you're done with... whatever you were doing, she guesses?

she'll be vibing until she spots one of them.]

ARCADE

[boxcar]

[ You come to the arcade and well. Immediately obvious is the arcade machine shooting lasers at the surroundings, fucking everything up.

Wyd. ]

[trifocal]

[ NOT THE LASERS

okay well. can she use her third eye to perceive... the code out here? is this rogue machine hackable? ]

DONK PARK

[boxcar]

[ Wow welcome to Donk Park! It's pretty big. The telly did not tell you exactly which tree this cat is supposedly stuck in. It's a pretty peaceful time, based on an overall first look. I'm going to say on a whimsy that it's somewhat like this so you're not that far from the Bean actually. Puts you up in Maggie Daley Park for no real reason.

Wyd, I guess you could just have a nice park walk. ]

[sarkazm]

[she could!

actually that's kind of what she's doing? like. she wasn't given an idea of what direction to go, so she's just going to take a walk in a random direction, keeping an eye and an ear out for any commotion.]

THE BEAN

[fried]

[ here it is... the bean

there is a indeed a crazy guy harassing tourists here! it's a dude in a trenchcoat with his face obscured by a fancy hat and a scarf... and he's yelling about armageddon? or something, it seems like your typical end of the world doomer. only, the bean is... sparkling? it's more sparkly than normal.

strange. what do. ]

[ugghh]

[ woah strange the city must've just cleaned the bean!

daigo is gonna... hear this guy out. but first, he'll intervene so these poor nameless tourist npcs can make their escape. ]

Hey, knock it off.

FIFTH AND MAIN STREET

[fried]

[ HOLY SHIT THERE'S THINGS CRAWLING OUT OF THE ASPHALT AND THEY HAVE GUNS ]

[rippled]

[ OKAY

WELL. those people talking sure were right, these are definitely things crawling!!! well!!

they will rush forward to try to punch whatever is closest. ]

THE POLICE STATION

[fried]

[ the police station is a normal police station! it's actually crazy because there's chaos going on around you as you approach it. sometimes, lightning strikes the ground and you see puddles of reality left behind. when you pass them, you see bits of other dimensions leaking through. one of them has a very large ear carrying a spear chasing a blue-haired person down a hallway. one of them shows a glowing crawfish going for some dude's throat. you don't know what all that's about but it seems very serious.

but the police station itself is fine, and there are police officers walking in and out of the station like normal. sometimes they exit and immediately get eaten by a party demon. that's fine, you just walk around them. there's like an infinite amount of justice stored in the station, you're pretty sure they won't run out.

anyway, when you walk in, one of the officers tells you to head to the police chief's office! he has news for you, and a new case. he probably only meant to give this case to kung fury but like, listen. saber you are a cool justice deliverer with a headband that flows in the wind even when there is none, you don't have to follow the rules on who you do justice with.

i'm going to assume you all want to do this so i don't make you tag we go in, so when you arrive, the police chief is there, slamming his hand on the desk. ]

There you are! I just got back from city hall, and there's been fifty million dollars in damages to the city! The mayor is up my ass about all of this! How am I supposed to explain this to the press when you keep destroying public property!

[ it's a little brain-itchy when you see this police chief but you pass it off. the donuts must be giving you indigestion. ]

[sarkazm]

Hey, how about you start explaining it to us before the damn press!

[reasons you shouldn't put weesh at the top of the order: this. she stalks up to the desk to also slam her hand down on it.]

We've got interdimensional cats, alien rave freaks running around trying to shoot people-- [a gesture at the dismembered alien arms she's got-] and you're worried about our property damage?!

THE COORDINATES

[fried]

[ when you arrive at the coordinates, you come to face to face with a bunker. it's not particularly hidden or anything, there's a starb*cks right next door. but it did take a while to get to, so at least there's that. as you make your way, the city is still being destroyed by party demons, but never mind that. you have a mission: to stop it at the source.

when you arrive, there is a man standing outside of the bunker on his phone. he spots you, and waves you down. well, kind of. he has one human arm... and the other is a power glove, which goes all the way up to his shoulder. whoa. he's really connected to the universe.

he gives you guys a lazy salute, and welcomes you into his lair, which is a basement with shelves full of old cords and random keyboards hanging off of it. eupha, this is the coolest thing you've ever seen. one day you wish to be this l33t. the True Hacker flashes you all a charming smile and some finger guns. ]

It's good to see you made it. We have work to do, so please, come in, come in.

I read the files on the police system, and it seems that you have a job to fight Satan, right? Satan has been notoriously hard to find across the dimensional hackspace, but I think I have a solution.

[ugghh]

[ i was going to make a joke about how a dinosaur shouldn't drive. alas. alack. now we are here.

there sure is a lot of computer stuff in here. i hope being a dinosaur (old) means that the keyboards and cords are looked at with mild disinterest because this a young person thing that he doesn't understand. ]

Wouldn't Satan be in Hell? The rat person was saying something about that before.

WELCOME TO...

[boxcar]

...PREHEVIL!

[boxcar]

[ Two of you end up landing into a very strange, unfortunate city. Or maybe you don't and you come crashing instead, being spat out through a vapourwave code portal in the sky. I'm not the boss of you.

When you pick yourselves back up, you'll see that you've landed at the entrance of strange old town, towards the south curving road near the boarded-up house. It's extremely misty and foggy and it kind of distinctly smells horrible in a way you can't quite name yet.

Well! This is definitely some type of hell but you're pretty sure it's not the Hell. So you're going to have to figure out how to get there, or at least reunite with your friends at any rate. Where to? ]

[trifocal]

[ eupha shakes her head as she gets her bearings, then gives an apologetic look to triceracops... ]

I am sorry... If I had not hacked quite so hard, then perhaps... [ well. too late for the self-blame. ] I shall try to find a way back.

[ she types on her keyboard and opens her third eye and... ]

... I am the 1,000,000th visitor to these space-time coordinates?

[ zap! she suddenly flinches in pain, squeezing her third eye shut and clutching her head with her hand. ]

... THE YAOQING!

[fried]

[ the two of you end up landing on... a ship! or rather, you get thrown out of a vapourwave code portal and go sprawling across the docking bay in a sprawling heap.

this isn't Hell... huh. well, you're here! you might recognize it, maybe, in a distant way, but it's again one of those little itches that you can't scratch. you can hear people chattering on the other side of the crates, at least, so you're not completely alone.

but you do know you have to get back to your friends, or at least, you do need to get to Hell. so... what do you want to do first? ]

[sarkazm]

...oh, great, we lost the nerd squad.

[-is the first thing she grumbles, as she picks herself up off the ground. ow. this sucks after getting exploded on by a stupid computer.]

How do we get out of here now?

[she sure as fuck doesn't know how to open vaporwave portals!]

WELCOME TO HELL

[fried]

[ woah! there's a shoe!

the portal leads to this cool 80s gridline with vaporwave bits all around. you can practically hear the cool technobeats as you fix your dimensional hackertimespace. eupha and daigo, you reach the shoe and just catch a ride through space. wis'adel and saber, you're in there too - all of you can catch each other up if you'd like, but in the end, the shoe skids to a stop right before a huge portal, and dumps you out like a bucking horse.

wheeee!

you arrive in a heap, and you are standing in a place that smells like sin and brimstone (rock)... you have arrived in HELL.

and there seems to be a party going on in the big city in front of you. ]

[sarkazm]

[whoaaaa vaporwave montage in which the other two get caught up on what happened back there which was not very chill... she leaves out the part about her own oripathy problem though. idk if she remembers what that is right now anyway.

the important part is, as soon as she elbows her way out of the heap they landed in (ow, ouch, ow) and hears the sounds of partying:]

I'm so fucking sick of this-- we're crashing their stupid party!

[ugghh]

[ daigo, shredded from face to... chest, i guess, is also pretty fucking sick of this. ]

Finally. Let's get this over with.