holyspirits | W5 PLAYER CYOA - Daigo, Eupha, Saber, Wisadel

[ woah! there's a shoe!

the portal leads to this cool 80s gridline with vaporwave bits all around. you can practically hear the cool technobeats as you fix your dimensional hackertimespace. eupha and daigo, you reach the shoe and just catch a ride through space. wis'adel and saber, you're in there too - all of you can catch each other up if you'd like, but in the end, the shoe skids to a stop right before a huge portal, and dumps you out like a bucking horse.

wheeee!

you arrive in a heap, and you are standing in a place that smells like sin and brimstone (rock)... you have arrived in HELL.

and there seems to be a party going on in the big city in front of you. ]

[whoaaaa vaporwave montage in which the other two get caught up on what happened back there which was not very chill... she leaves out the part about her own oripathy problem though. idk if she remembers what that is right now anyway.

the important part is, as soon as she elbows her way out of the heap they landed in (ow, ouch, ow) and hears the sounds of partying:]

I'm so fucking sick of this-- we're crashing their stupid party!

[ daigo, shredded from face to... chest, i guess, is also pretty fucking sick of this. ]

Finally. Let's get this over with.

I knew that we would find our way.

[ and then, she turns her gaze to the party demons... ]

[ saber is still holding onto this tuskpir with their one remaining hand. they are also ready to go crash this party but also, ]

Does anyone here have weed.

[ THEY'RE LOSING SO MUCH BLOOD HELP ME ]

[ well? does anybody have weed?

the party is still happening down there. you can probably hear a big booming voice giving a speech, in the distance. ]

[ can we see who is giving a speech... i mean. i suppose we could assume who it is, but it seems pertinent to ask. ]

Once Kung Fury is taken care of, is there anything else we need to address before we end this party for good?

[ our point of no return............. ]

Oh! Yes.

[ eupha hands saber a weed. (a blue healing herb) ]

I am ready when all of you are.

[ let's get closer to see what this speech is about... ]

[ thank you they will munch on this weed as they somehow hold onto the baby and also the snoopy i refuse to let go of. how is this happening? i don't know. ]

Be careful, who knows what we'll run into next.

[ oNWARD!!! ]

I'm fine, I'm fine, let's do this. ... wouldn't say no to one of those on the way if you have more, though.

[she's still pretty sliced up from the exploding basilio fight...

but she's not stopping just for that, she can eat a weed and walk, let's go.]

[ eupha starts typing on her keyboard idly... ]

Oh. I wonder if this will help?

[ and she will do some healing-hacking for all of you! all of the wounds that you want healed for this battle are suddenly healed. (until we exit cyoa.) if there are any wounds that you do not want healed, then unfortunately she does not get to them until she sees a popup for CLICK HERE FOR A FREE CAR and gets her brain zapped.

it's fine. ]

[ when you take the weed, you can just slap that hand back on. you did keep the hand, right. it doesn't matter, it's in your inventory. you can glue the hand back on like in resident evil, it's rad. the tuskpir squeaks happily when you find that you are healed!! hooray! also eupha heals you waves hand.

anyway, in the distance, there's this big disco type dancefloor laid out. it's downhill from here, and you have to walk down just an obscene amount of stairs to get to the actual party itself. once you're down there, you can see that there are demons throwing confetti all around, blowing party favors, and knocking back shots like crazy. the room does start to go quiet when you make your way down, though. you know the meme of the judgey college students with red cups staring at you? that, it's that.

the person giving the speech is, predictably, satan! ]

Welcoooome, Kung Fury and friends, to Hellscapes, Hardships, and Horrors! Today we're gonna be partying, whether you like it or not! You cannot stop the party, man! It will be excellent!

[ and he does an air guitar riff. ]

Your party sucks shit!

[wiš'adel wastes exactly zero time in just fucking opening fire on satan fieri. no. NOPE. not today, satan.]

[ ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH! he is also going to dispense JUSTICE (bullets) in satan's general direction. he's a (tricera)cop(s) he hates parties. no fun allowed. ]

Huh? We're fighting already?

[ she wasn't ready... ]

[ saber is holding a baby. ]

I don't have a gun.

[ okay well that's fair i suppose

satan lets out a little scream and dives behind his podium to hide from the bullets. wis'adel and daigo just immediately unload justice all over the place, which gets the attention of these party demons. they absolutely lose their minds and start becoming a horde to deal with.

this is now your time to do a Cool Hallway Scene. you know, where the action guy does one long uninterrupted shot of just absolutely kicking the shit out of all the minions? you have to beat ten thousand demons before you can reach satan.

remember that you have items, powers, and summons - you can ask which you have and what you want to use here, it doesn't just have to be gun. ]

[she's saving the pass she found for actual satan, so for now? she's using her dino summoning horn to call one of her beloved dinosaur friends to her side to stomp some demon ass.

and by 'to her side' i do mean she will be riding this fuckin dinosaur and shooting demons from on top of it, actually.]

[ again, taking a page out of weesh's book, daigo is going to summon GUNS OF THE FOREFATHERS of which the forefathers are just more prehistoric than he is, and also literal dinosaurs with guns. yeah!!! EAT LEAD PARTY DEMONS ]

[ Okay time to lock in. Eupha will start keysmashing on her keyboard. ]

I am sorry to ask this of you so soon, but...!

[ A funky portal opens up and this guy comes charging out, swinging his axe at the demons. He probably does some weapon skills that are extremely cool and you'll be very sorry (like me) if you skip the battle animations. ]

[ well.

i guess saber is going to summon basilio and will awkwardly not make eye contact with him. sorry that you exploded. but basilio can go and attack while saber will also summon jiaoqiu for real to be babysitter because i realized this joke has to be real or else saber will just be standing there holding a baby. ]

Guard this youth with your life.

[ another awkward pause as they remember he died like twenty minutes ago. anyway. ]

[ CARNAAAAGE

okay, so first - first, wis'adel summons her dinosaur friends. she's got a fucking totally rad mutant-painted t-rex that just bellows at the sky when it appears with a crack of lightning that takes out like four party demons. she also has a pterodactyl and a brontosaurus that are flying and running around wrecking shop. between her and the guns, something like eight hundred demons get mowed down, eaten, stomped on, kicked... it's a bloody massacre. one of the party demons tries to run, and the t-rex grabs him by the back of the shirt, tosses him in the air, and chomps him down in one gulp. holy shit! the pterodactyl apparently can shoot lightning from its mouth, too, so it fries a good amount of the demons by yelling SCRAW, SCRAW.

daigo summons GUNS OF THE FOREFATHERS but when he does this the first time, only one guy shows up? it's like the rest of them were at brunch. is this a garfield the deals warlock situation where we are unclear if garfield is a cat or a guy or are they actually real dinosaurs standing on their back feet with guns, or are they like triceracop where they're humanoid with a dinosaur head. many questions. anyway, this guy on his own manages to take out like thirty party demons, but daigo does not find this suitable enough. he flips his lucky coin, and apparently, the rest of the forefathers get the call this time. they come stampeding out and unload justice across hordes of demons, sending them to their doom. this is about six hundred demons slain.

eupha locks in, slapping her hands across the keyboard. she opens a portal, and the BERSERKER runs out, slashing and slapping at demons left and right. at some point it steals a skateboard from one of the demons and does a sweet fucking ollie off the back of one into another, just absolutely exploding the latter into a shower of blood. another crowd of demons come towards eupha, but with a unique insight into how to index the ethernet bus to override the ASCII circuit, she manages to redirect some of her horrible popup ads right into the faces of all these demons. they're not expecting it, and get sliced clean in half by her summon, who finger guns at her before running off to continue its destruction. a gnarly guitar riff plays from behind eupha, giving her the extra strength to just hack some dudes to death. that's another five hundred.

and last but not least, there's saber - who summons basilio, who is just a guy, and jiaoqiu, who is also just a guy. jiaoqiu looks very confused to be here, but he does take the tuskpir and holds it like a baby like oh. okay? this is his job now. he pats the baby and john travoltas around looking for dudes to set on fire while staying out of trouble.

basilio who is just a guy sees eupha's beserker and goes WHOA, SHITE! and zooms off to help, holding a giant axe and just absolutely slicing through hordes of party demons. at one point, he holds out a hand to saber in an attempt to do a sick tagteam move where he throws saber up in the air and has them come down and suplex the earth at mach speed, which crumbles several hundred demons into dust.

you are running out of demons to destroy, hot damn.

however, you are not all without trouble, because satan has a machine gun, and he's going to start opening fire on you all. eat lead, fuckheads! ]

Fuck off, that's my thing!

[SHE'S GOT THE MACHINE GUNS AROUND HERE?? BITCH???

the speed at which we went from so fucking depressed to writing tags like this again.

anyway. wiš'adel is obviously firing right back? it's unclear how she even knows to make food based cracks at this man who is obviously satan and not a chef, but:]

How about some hot lead with a little extra spice?!

[the meta decrees it. it's fine. don't worry about it.

she's also going to find out what this pass does and god i hope it does what i think.]

Shit, we're going to need more backup.

[ what's satan to a god? here's hoping that kiryu-san can help even the score further yippee. summon: essence of "stop that" ]

Edited 2025-03-20 03:14 (UTC)

[ everyone is so cool.

bullets fly at eupha, but she types faster than a speeding bullet, mashing keys with lightning-fast speed, deleting bullets from reality before they can reach her or her allies. unless you want to get shot. then she can miss some. ]

WELCOME TO HELL

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