W5 PLAYER CYOA - Daigo, Eupha, Saber, Wisadel

[holyspirits]

fist fist fist fist

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[rippled]

[ saber is holding a baby. ]

I don't have a gun.

[fried]

[ okay well that's fair i suppose

satan lets out a little scream and dives behind his podium to hide from the bullets. wis'adel and daigo just immediately unload justice all over the place, which gets the attention of these party demons. they absolutely lose their minds and start becoming a horde to deal with.

this is now your time to do a Cool Hallway Scene. you know, where the action guy does one long uninterrupted shot of just absolutely kicking the shit out of all the minions? you have to beat ten thousand demons before you can reach satan.

remember that you have items, powers, and summons - you can ask which you have and what you want to use here, it doesn't just have to be gun. ]

[sarkazm]

[she's saving the pass she found for actual satan, so for now? she's using her dino summoning horn to call one of her beloved dinosaur friends to her side to stomp some demon ass.

and by 'to her side' i do mean she will be riding this fuckin dinosaur and shooting demons from on top of it, actually.]

[ugghh]

[ again, taking a page out of weesh's book, daigo is going to summon GUNS OF THE FOREFATHERS of which the forefathers are just more prehistoric than he is, and also literal dinosaurs with guns. yeah!!! EAT LEAD PARTY DEMONS ]

[trifocal]

[ Okay time to lock in. Eupha will start keysmashing on her keyboard. ]

I am sorry to ask this of you so soon, but...!

[ A funky portal opens up and this guy comes charging out, swinging his axe at the demons. He probably does some weapon skills that are extremely cool and you'll be very sorry (like me) if you skip the battle animations. ]

[rippled]

[ well.


i guess saber is going to summon basilio and will awkwardly not make eye contact with him. sorry that you exploded. but basilio can go and attack while saber will also summon jiaoqiu for real to be babysitter because i realized this joke has to be real or else saber will just be standing there holding a baby. ]

Guard this youth with your life.

[ another awkward pause as they remember he died like twenty minutes ago. anyway. ]

[fried]

[ CARNAAAAGE

okay, so first - first, wis'adel summons her dinosaur friends. she's got a fucking totally rad mutant-painted t-rex that just bellows at the sky when it appears with a crack of lightning that takes out like four party demons. she also has a pterodactyl and a brontosaurus that are flying and running around wrecking shop. between her and the guns, something like eight hundred demons get mowed down, eaten, stomped on, kicked... it's a bloody massacre. one of the party demons tries to run, and the t-rex grabs him by the back of the shirt, tosses him in the air, and chomps him down in one gulp. holy shit! the pterodactyl apparently can shoot lightning from its mouth, too, so it fries a good amount of the demons by yelling SCRAW, SCRAW.

daigo summons GUNS OF THE FOREFATHERS but when he does this the first time, only one guy shows up? it's like the rest of them were at brunch. is this a garfield the deals warlock situation where we are unclear if garfield is a cat or a guy or are they actually real dinosaurs standing on their back feet with guns, or are they like triceracop where they're humanoid with a dinosaur head. many questions. anyway, this guy on his own manages to take out like thirty party demons, but daigo does not find this suitable enough. he flips his lucky coin, and apparently, the rest of the forefathers get the call this time. they come stampeding out and unload justice across hordes of demons, sending them to their doom. this is about six hundred demons slain.

eupha locks in, slapping her hands across the keyboard. she opens a portal, and the BERSERKER runs out, slashing and slapping at demons left and right. at some point it steals a skateboard from one of the demons and does a sweet fucking ollie off the back of one into another, just absolutely exploding the latter into a shower of blood. another crowd of demons come towards eupha, but with a unique insight into how to index the ethernet bus to override the ASCII circuit, she manages to redirect some of her horrible popup ads right into the faces of all these demons. they're not expecting it, and get sliced clean in half by her summon, who finger guns at her before running off to continue its destruction. a gnarly guitar riff plays from behind eupha, giving her the extra strength to just hack some dudes to death. that's another five hundred.

and last but not least, there's saber - who summons basilio, who is just a guy, and jiaoqiu, who is also just a guy. jiaoqiu looks very confused to be here, but he does take the tuskpir and holds it like a baby like oh. okay? this is his job now. he pats the baby and john travoltas around looking for dudes to set on fire while staying out of trouble.

basilio who is just a guy sees eupha's beserker and goes WHOA, SHITE! and zooms off to help, holding a giant axe and just absolutely slicing through hordes of party demons. at one point, he holds out a hand to saber in an attempt to do a sick tagteam move where he throws saber up in the air and has them come down and suplex the earth at mach speed, which crumbles several hundred demons into dust.

you are running out of demons to destroy, hot damn.

however, you are not all without trouble, because satan has a machine gun, and he's going to start opening fire on you all. eat lead, fuckheads! ]

[sarkazm]

Fuck off, that's my thing!

[SHE'S GOT THE MACHINE GUNS AROUND HERE?? BITCH???

the speed at which we went from so fucking depressed to writing tags like this again.

anyway. wiš'adel is obviously firing right back? it's unclear how she even knows to make food based cracks at this man who is obviously satan and not a chef, but:]

How about some hot lead with a little extra spice?!

[the meta decrees it. it's fine. don't worry about it.

she's also going to find out what this pass does and god i hope it does what i think.]

[ugghh]

Shit, we're going to need more backup.

[ what's satan to a god? here's hoping that kiryu-san can help even the score further yippee. summon: essence of "stop that" ]

[trifocal]

[ everyone is so cool.

bullets fly at eupha, but she types faster than a speeding bullet, mashing keys with lightning-fast speed, deleting bullets from reality before they can reach her or her allies. unless you want to get shot. then she can miss some. ]

[rippled]

[ saber and basilio are soooo cool. they're so super cool and everyone claps.

they will then proceed to just punching the hell out of all the demons that cross their path. no one can escape kung fury's fists!! they send an appreciative nod to eupha for being so cool with her hacker skill. everyone clap for her again. ]

[boxcar]

[ Uh, fucking yikes. Satan (Guy Fieri) continues to fire into you guys until he's out of bullets, clicking the trigger but he's Out, Man. ]

Eep. Alright, alright, damn! You guys really don't want to party!

[ He gets the message! That being said, he IS Satan Incarnate, and he won't go down that easy. ]

Let's make a deal. You've shown you can out-shoot me, you can bring the heat. But can you out-party me? Beat me in that game fair and square, and we'll keep the noise down and out of your Donk City. Fair stuff?

[ He gestures to his table, where there are suddenly many drinks. ]

[sarkazm]

What, that's all? No sweat.

[we're all completely legal, riiiight. right eupha.]

[ugghh]

What happens if we don't beat you?

[ what are they agreeing to... ? ]

[trifocal]

[ legal in eht ria, so yeah! ]

I hope that you do not underestimate us.

[rippled]

[ eupha is also legal in superhell so it's fine ]

Do not worry, there is no way we can lose. I have never lost a match.

[ in.... drinking.... ??? ]

[boxcar]

Then me and my party demons take over Donk City. Duh.

You out-drink me, we pull back and find another shack to hit up. I out-drink all four of you, and all humanity gets assimilated into a neverending rager.

[ All these demons are so conked out groaning in the background from the absolute onslaught of bullets, dinosaurs, and more. You very weakly hear a 'Fuck you...' followed by a cough somewhere in the crowd. ]

[sarkazm]

Fine, then. You're on.

[

at least in part because she's pretty sure from the looks of his party demon army that they can just clean up here even if they lose.]

[ugghh]

Fair enough.

[ yeah this'll be e z ]

[trifocal]

I accept your challenge.

[ very confidently despite being a lightweight. ]

[rippled]

[ they dramatically point at satan. ]

Let the battle commence!

[boxcar]

[ Guy Fieri does another sick guitar riff that despite how his hand motions are not correct, sounds fucking incredible. This is your bg music for the rest of the night. ]

Alright! Let's party!

[ I guess you can choose from the Superhell drinks if you really wanted to but we can keep it simple here today by keeping it within the drinks you can find in Turboheaven. Which is as follows:

1. Halo There
(A lightly-flavored malt with just enough alcohol to feel saucy.)
You firmly believe in your Christian values and a life free of sin.

2. Bite to Meet You
(A vodka-tomato juice blend that's as hearty as it is spicy)
You feel compelled to bite anyone in your vicinity.

3. Don't Wig Out
(Why does this taste like something your father would drink after a long day?)
You become bald.

4. Hipster's Paradise
(Oh, you think it tastes like lavender? We were into lavender before it became popular.)
You grow an extremely bushy mustache.

5. All Bark, No Bite
(A fizzy pear cider that seems pretty mild at first taste.)
You can't shut up and believe you're an expert in whatever you're talking about.

6. Inner Piece
(You're not quite sure what the flavor is, but it all fits together.)
You become obsessed with puzzles.

7. It's Not Easy Being Green
(OH GOD IT'S LIME.)
Are you a man or are you a muppet? Easy question. Muppet.

8. The Angel From My Nightmare
(Tastes just like black licorice.)
The Christian Cake of Satanism. You feel compelled to sin.

9. The Rainbow Connection
(Best described as liquified Skittles.)
You cough up flowers that represent your hidden emotions. Bleh!

10. 53% Effect
(A stiff beer to put hair on your chest (not literally.))
The spirit of the top compels you... You're an alpha now...

11. Sharing is Caring
(Your favorite flavor.)
You feel compelled to consume cursed food and drinks.

12. Would You Still Love me?
(Sorta like dirt.)
Become worm.

They can do three rounds of drinks that's purely a contest of roles. Yes you can cheat if you want to by making your summons take a shot for you. Maybe you want to invite The True Hacker too? He's feeling... left out... ]

[sarkazm]

[rngs for inner piece and also rolls a 16...

SLAMMING this shot. fuck you satan. come at her.]

[ugghh]

[ i'm not rolling because he needs a sharing is caring to even indulge in this.

despite being his favorite flavor, he still has to choke it down for some reason. i have no idea how to interpret this 6. ]

[trifocal]

Allow me to do one thing first.

[ she focuses on her third eye, mashes the keyboard, and hacks the lightwaves... creating funky disco lights that come out of nowhere and charge up the party atmosphere in here. they pulse to the beat. wow.

then, she opens another funky portal to allow our friends from other dimensions to join us. who, when everyone we know is already here? idk. THE TRUE HACKER, for one. maybe that walking arcade machine. this is an excuse for us to godmod anybody into just Being Here.

that's actually two things she just did but it would be rude to point that out.

anyway she is slamming back a 53% Effect with a roll of 15. ]