NOT THE FALLING ASLEEP!! YVES WAKES UP, CONFUSED, mumbling to himself wondering if all trains do that.... yves will follow after and let himself be led out, but he will also reach for zuriel's hand.... he got used to being close ]
Ahaha, do you think that I'm the type of person to take everything on myself?
[ shakes his head... ]
Monsieur Lucas taught me a lot growing up, and I hold onto his teachings everyday. My partner, Hugo, was like my other half. He took really good care of me, and made sure I wouldn't get in over my head.
Adolphe is my other best friend - and he'd always be a great leader, who helps me get out of my head when I'm overthinking things.
I don't open up to everyone, because it's more often that they need things from me and don't want to get close to someone that they think is cursed. But for the people who stick around... they're really good to me.
[ GOOD MORNING. anyway yeah, it's fine, they can hold hands on their lil walky to the beach. ]
I think you're the type of person who thinks the best of the people around you without realizing just how people might think about you in a positive way, because you've had other people express sentiments about you based on very shallow interpretations of who you are as a person. [ OKAY. ] So no, maybe not someone who takes on everything yourself, but someone who doesn't always take the right amount of credit for the things you already do.
[ walking along... but huh. ]
Oh. The three of you are from the same place. [ they sort of knew, but having the confirmation is something else. ] I don't think there's anything wrong with having a smaller group of people you trust. Especially when it comes to situations other people might not understand. [ also hold on, sorry, back up. ] ... I'm sorry, cursed?
[ he takes all this in, and he thinks that some of it's fair and some of it... isn't. because it's not right to say that yves doesn't know the effect he has on people and the way they react to him. because even if he's not always fully aware, he's always conscious of it.
to receive love, he has to be someone who can be loved. it is an active choice, every day, to be kind. to be sweet. ]
I think I have to start from the beginning. Is that okay?
[ here's the thing. zuriel is great at making judgments of character. they just aren't always accurate even if they seem to think they are until proven otherwise. but they don't mind if yves doesn't agree, distracted already because he said "curse." ]
It would be a confusing story if you started in the middle, I think. The beginning's fine.
I was born to a family in Coene. Commoners. For most of my childhood, I lived a happy life with my parents and my grandfather. But... one day, when I went to play with some of my friends in the orphanage, a fire broke out. A lot of people died... but I tried to help who I could. Though... I did get burned pretty badly from it.
[ and with his free hand, unconsciously, it drifts vaguely toward his face before settles on fussing with his own hair instead ]
... it's not - a normal burn. People couldn't look at me. My own parents... thought I was possessed by something. A demon. So they— [ a beat, an abbreviation, an act of brutality he won't say out loud but can be inferred ]
At least, the orphanage took me in before I succumbed to my injuries. But even then... no one talked to me. They only pitied me. It was only when a kind merchant gave me a beautiful mask, even though I couldn't even pay him at all... that people started to react to me better.
[ . . . ]
But I want to be loved. The type of love my parents had. It just... never works out. Even if I'm kind - everyone who's shown an interest in me takes off running if I remove my mask.
So I wanted a body that didn't have this scar. That doesn't look cursed. That... could be loved.
[ it's why he asks after reincarnation or if god can fix him. he'd do anything at all just to have someone, anyone, love him as broken as he is ]
[ they take all of this into account, watching him closely as he tells this story and filling in the blanks themselves. this actually kind of makes them angry, because it's not like this changed yves as a person? (that they know of.) so to be abandoned just because of something out of his control...
of course he wants to be loved. ]
It feels like being punished for trying to be a good person. [ which seems extraordinarily unfair. ] Why... would people think it was a demon? If a fire broke out at the orphanage, other people must have known what happened there.
... do you think it could be love if something like that could deter a person?
[ a small intake of breath, like there's an answer but he himself doesn't like ]
... they blamed it on someone staying at the orphanage. But it wasn't her fault. [ immediate and adamant ] But if they already distrusted someone there, and then I got caught in what they saw as a horrible accident... they can think I'm Death's puppet because of the mark left on me.
[ but. ]
I don't know, but I wish I got a chance to find out. If I wasn't scarred, then I could still try to find love in the same trial and error as everyone else. Instead of... error error error.
[ they still don't like this, but they can't change that. ]
Yeah, but... there must be someone out there who would still love you even with the scar. Who could look past a curse like that. [ even with that thought, it isn't as if they don't get it. ] It must be hard wanting something like that and being unable to have it the same way everyone else does right now.
It's no one's fault but my own. I don't want to complain, or say it's hard, because it's not someone's fault if they can't bring themselves to love me.
... so I hope you're right. [ but so far they've both been wrong. every time yves has believed in someone, they've broken his heart ]
But... I just wanted to explain. I know I'm cared for, and I like to think that people like me. But... it's really just because I'm greedy. I'm doing my best to try and be kind, but it's just in hopes that maybe someone will love me for it.
[ this might actually be one of the worst people to tell this story to, because: ]
I don't think it's greedy to want something you have been led to believe you can't have because of circumstances outside of your control. And the worst of it is that thinking about how you don't have it makes you want it even more. You can have friends and family who love you, but... it feels different to be told you can't have something and certain circumstances may never change.
it's truly so funny because zuriel is right. that is frustrating. that is like running right into a brick wall over again. and none of what yves has experience is actually his fault. and despite this - he tries so hard to love everyone. but the thing is that yves literally cannot process the feelings of spite or envy anymore, because of that same desire to love everyone. he can't hold people in contempt. so all he does is just
[ that's okay, let zuriel feel the threads of envy for you, yves. but they don't let go of his hand as they make their way down to the beach. ]
... my curse was about love, too. [ which is all they say about it for a moment. ] When something like that shadows your whole life, it's very hard to see any way around it.
[ it's a little difficult to discuss, because for zuriel, it's since been solved in a way. but ever since it's been solved, they feel like something else is missing... like they've forgotten a part of themselves. but to explain that to someone else when that isn't their job feels a little rude, and while they don't often care about being rude, yves did just tell them a very deeply personal thing.
so. ]
It's a little difficult to explain. [ also, w0. ] But the A in chastity isn't just for show, I guess. It's a curse I was born with and was always told would come true no matter what I tried to change. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
[ why are you so afraid of me turboing our cr during w0 again "it's already turbo" yes maybe so but it could be more
but they'll make it to the beach and approach the sand. yves will toe off his shoes in a second, but first he pauses and frowns a bit in thought. he nods, in what slight understanding he can find but... ]
Mm... That's frustrating. I'm not sure if I fully understand but at least... [ he'll bring up their hands and - as best as he can with what vague glowyness exists - press a kiss to the back of zuriel's ] I think you'd be someone easy for me to love.
[ because usually when we turbo one of us dies. also some things are blatantly obvious let me have my secrets!! but it's fine. there are some things zuriel should maybe elaborate on, but this is about yves so they follow him and also follow his guidance which means... taking off shoes he can't really see? yeah. but it's sandy, and they're holding his hand and keeping their shoes in the other, and they are a little surprised by the affection suddenly. ]
Oh? You barely know me. [ it's not really an admonishment, but more like they're pointing it out. it's sweet, but it does make them wonder a little about how yves goes about romance. ]
[ for what it's worth - despite everything they've talked about, yves doesn't seem to entirely mean it romantically. like, he could! but in this moment, the words leave his mouth just so terribly easily it can be hard to tell!
but he's still confident! ]
Maybe, but I think I still know enough important things. I know that you're trying your best to help the people here, and you care about what's fair for others. You want people to live happier lives, and you're just doing your best yourself.
[ this man is truly a lot, and yet somehow this all feels very weirdly familiar to them in a way they can't pinpoint. and in other ways, they can. because it's true, everything he says about them isn't exactly a wrong assessment. but, of course, they argue to prove a point. ]
But I can still be selfish. There are things I wanted and things I still want that I know I can't have because of where I come from and who I am. And people don't like that I won't let them tell me what to do. People don't always like my opinions. I'm not as good-looking as people around me, and I don't have nearly the same opportunities available. There's no hiding what kind of person I am.
[ but...? ]
But even with that, if you think a person like me can be loved even looking like this and acting like this, I do still think the same is true for you. Even with the scar. I don't think the ugly parts matter to someone who really cares about you. Even if finding them will take time.
[ off they walk toward the water now, hand in hand with their shoes in their other hands.... stupid.
still yves laughs ] You can say all that, and I am happy to know more about you, but it wouldn't make me love you any less. When I decided to try to seek out love, I also decided to love everyone. You aren't an exception.
But... I know I'm abnormal. [ he knows he is bizarre in his all-encompassing love ] Even so... I hope you're right, but I wouldn't blame anyone if a limit existed for them. And I still couldn't be accepted by them.
[ extremely stupid! but they turn that around in their head for a bit as they draw closer to the water. ]
Is it ever hard for you? To love everyone so openly. [ it's a question borne from curiosity, and one they have an answer for themselves but would be interested to know from someone like yves. they have thoughts on this whole limit thing and being abnormal in his behavior, but they will withhold the thoughts for now until he answers that. ]
I think there are moments where I get frustrated, and I have limits on what I tolerate. But I don’t want anyone else to feel like I did, so I’ll always try to love someone no matter who they are.
Yes, because greed can easily turn into something more twisted that will hurt someone without caring about them. [ their tone goes a little flat and dark, but they let it go. ]
Maybe it is twisted. But is it a love with no sincerity at all?
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no subject
NOT THE FALLING ASLEEP!! YVES WAKES UP, CONFUSED, mumbling to himself wondering if all trains do that.... yves will follow after and let himself be led out, but he will also reach for zuriel's hand.... he got used to being close ]
Ahaha, do you think that I'm the type of person to take everything on myself?
[ shakes his head... ]
Monsieur Lucas taught me a lot growing up, and I hold onto his teachings everyday. My partner, Hugo, was like my other half. He took really good care of me, and made sure I wouldn't get in over my head.
Adolphe is my other best friend - and he'd always be a great leader, who helps me get out of my head when I'm overthinking things.
I don't open up to everyone, because it's more often that they need things from me and don't want to get close to someone that they think is cursed. But for the people who stick around... they're really good to me.
no subject
I think you're the type of person who thinks the best of the people around you without realizing just how people might think about you in a positive way, because you've had other people express sentiments about you based on very shallow interpretations of who you are as a person. [ OKAY. ] So no, maybe not someone who takes on everything yourself, but someone who doesn't always take the right amount of credit for the things you already do.
[ walking along... but huh. ]
Oh. The three of you are from the same place. [ they sort of knew, but having the confirmation is something else. ] I don't think there's anything wrong with having a smaller group of people you trust. Especially when it comes to situations other people might not understand. [ also hold on, sorry, back up. ] ... I'm sorry, cursed?
no subject
[ he takes all this in, and he thinks that some of it's fair and some of it... isn't. because it's not right to say that yves doesn't know the effect he has on people and the way they react to him. because even if he's not always fully aware, he's always conscious of it.
to receive love, he has to be someone who can be loved. it is an active choice, every day, to be kind. to be sweet. ]
I think I have to start from the beginning. Is that okay?
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It would be a confusing story if you started in the middle, I think. The beginning's fine.
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[ and with his free hand, unconsciously, it drifts vaguely toward his face before settles on fussing with his own hair instead ]
... it's not - a normal burn. People couldn't look at me. My own parents... thought I was possessed by something. A demon. So they— [ a beat, an abbreviation, an act of brutality he won't say out loud but can be inferred ]
At least, the orphanage took me in before I succumbed to my injuries. But even then... no one talked to me. They only pitied me. It was only when a kind merchant gave me a beautiful mask, even though I couldn't even pay him at all... that people started to react to me better.
[ . . . ]
But I want to be loved. The type of love my parents had. It just... never works out. Even if I'm kind - everyone who's shown an interest in me takes off running if I remove my mask.
So I wanted a body that didn't have this scar. That doesn't look cursed. That... could be loved.
[ it's why he asks after reincarnation or if god can fix him. he'd do anything at all just to have someone, anyone, love him as broken as he is ]
no subject
of course he wants to be loved. ]
It feels like being punished for trying to be a good person. [ which seems extraordinarily unfair. ] Why... would people think it was a demon? If a fire broke out at the orphanage, other people must have known what happened there.
... do you think it could be love if something like that could deter a person?
no subject
... they blamed it on someone staying at the orphanage. But it wasn't her fault. [ immediate and adamant ] But if they already distrusted someone there, and then I got caught in what they saw as a horrible accident... they can think I'm Death's puppet because of the mark left on me.
[ but. ]
I don't know, but I wish I got a chance to find out. If I wasn't scarred, then I could still try to find love in the same trial and error as everyone else. Instead of... error error error.
no subject
Yeah, but... there must be someone out there who would still love you even with the scar. Who could look past a curse like that. [ even with that thought, it isn't as if they don't get it. ] It must be hard wanting something like that and being unable to have it the same way everyone else does right now.
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It's no one's fault but my own. I don't want to complain, or say it's hard, because it's not someone's fault if they can't bring themselves to love me.
... so I hope you're right. [ but so far they've both been wrong. every time yves has believed in someone, they've broken his heart ]
But... I just wanted to explain. I know I'm cared for, and I like to think that people like me. But... it's really just because I'm greedy. I'm doing my best to try and be kind, but it's just in hopes that maybe someone will love me for it.
no subject
I don't think it's greedy to want something you have been led to believe you can't have because of circumstances outside of your control. And the worst of it is that thinking about how you don't have it makes you want it even more. You can have friends and family who love you, but... it feels different to be told you can't have something and certain circumstances may never change.
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it's truly so funny because zuriel is right. that is frustrating. that is like running right into a brick wall over again. and none of what yves has experience is actually his fault. and despite this - he tries so hard to love everyone. but the thing is that yves literally cannot process the feelings of spite or envy anymore, because of that same desire to love everyone. he can't hold people in contempt. so all he does is just
squeeze zuriel's hand once, gently ]
... speaking from experience?
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... my curse was about love, too. [ which is all they say about it for a moment. ] When something like that shadows your whole life, it's very hard to see any way around it.
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Mm... I'm sorry. [ that they are both cursed, that they both struggle with love ] Can I ask... what was your curse?
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so. ]
It's a little difficult to explain. [ also, w0. ] But the A in chastity isn't just for show, I guess. It's a curse I was born with and was always told would come true no matter what I tried to change. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
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but they'll make it to the beach and approach the sand. yves will toe off his shoes in a second, but first he pauses and frowns a bit in thought. he nods, in what slight understanding he can find but... ]
Mm... That's frustrating. I'm not sure if I fully understand but at least... [ he'll bring up their hands and - as best as he can with what vague glowyness exists - press a kiss to the back of zuriel's ] I think you'd be someone easy for me to love.
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Oh? You barely know me. [ it's not really an admonishment, but more like they're pointing it out. it's sweet, but it does make them wonder a little about how yves goes about romance. ]
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but he's still confident! ]
Maybe, but I think I still know enough important things. I know that you're trying your best to help the people here, and you care about what's fair for others. You want people to live happier lives, and you're just doing your best yourself.
So that means you're someone I could love.
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But I can still be selfish. There are things I wanted and things I still want that I know I can't have because of where I come from and who I am. And people don't like that I won't let them tell me what to do. People don't always like my opinions. I'm not as good-looking as people around me, and I don't have nearly the same opportunities available. There's no hiding what kind of person I am.
[ but...? ]
But even with that, if you think a person like me can be loved even looking like this and acting like this, I do still think the same is true for you. Even with the scar. I don't think the ugly parts matter to someone who really cares about you. Even if finding them will take time.
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still yves laughs ] You can say all that, and I am happy to know more about you, but it wouldn't make me love you any less. When I decided to try to seek out love, I also decided to love everyone. You aren't an exception.
But... I know I'm abnormal. [ he knows he is bizarre in his all-encompassing love ] Even so... I hope you're right, but I wouldn't blame anyone if a limit existed for them. And I still couldn't be accepted by them.
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Is it ever hard for you? To love everyone so openly. [ it's a question borne from curiosity, and one they have an answer for themselves but would be interested to know from someone like yves. they have thoughts on this whole limit thing and being abnormal in his behavior, but they will withhold the thoughts for now until he answers that. ]
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[ simply, despite everything ]
I think there are moments where I get frustrated, and I have limits on what I tolerate. But I don’t want anyone else to feel like I did, so I’ll always try to love someone no matter who they are.
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You want to be sure people aren't alone. Even when they make it difficult. That's pretty admirable of you.
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Is it still admirable if it's born out of a greed for love?
I think I'm a little twisted sometimes... but I don't know how to be any other way anymore.
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Maybe it is twisted. But is it a love with no sincerity at all?
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... no. I really do care about everyone I meet.
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