[ a small intake of breath, like there's an answer but he himself doesn't like ]
... they blamed it on someone staying at the orphanage. But it wasn't her fault. [ immediate and adamant ] But if they already distrusted someone there, and then I got caught in what they saw as a horrible accident... they can think I'm Death's puppet because of the mark left on me.
[ but. ]
I don't know, but I wish I got a chance to find out. If I wasn't scarred, then I could still try to find love in the same trial and error as everyone else. Instead of... error error error.
[ they still don't like this, but they can't change that. ]
Yeah, but... there must be someone out there who would still love you even with the scar. Who could look past a curse like that. [ even with that thought, it isn't as if they don't get it. ] It must be hard wanting something like that and being unable to have it the same way everyone else does right now.
It's no one's fault but my own. I don't want to complain, or say it's hard, because it's not someone's fault if they can't bring themselves to love me.
... so I hope you're right. [ but so far they've both been wrong. every time yves has believed in someone, they've broken his heart ]
But... I just wanted to explain. I know I'm cared for, and I like to think that people like me. But... it's really just because I'm greedy. I'm doing my best to try and be kind, but it's just in hopes that maybe someone will love me for it.
[ this might actually be one of the worst people to tell this story to, because: ]
I don't think it's greedy to want something you have been led to believe you can't have because of circumstances outside of your control. And the worst of it is that thinking about how you don't have it makes you want it even more. You can have friends and family who love you, but... it feels different to be told you can't have something and certain circumstances may never change.
it's truly so funny because zuriel is right. that is frustrating. that is like running right into a brick wall over again. and none of what yves has experience is actually his fault. and despite this - he tries so hard to love everyone. but the thing is that yves literally cannot process the feelings of spite or envy anymore, because of that same desire to love everyone. he can't hold people in contempt. so all he does is just
[ that's okay, let zuriel feel the threads of envy for you, yves. but they don't let go of his hand as they make their way down to the beach. ]
... my curse was about love, too. [ which is all they say about it for a moment. ] When something like that shadows your whole life, it's very hard to see any way around it.
[ it's a little difficult to discuss, because for zuriel, it's since been solved in a way. but ever since it's been solved, they feel like something else is missing... like they've forgotten a part of themselves. but to explain that to someone else when that isn't their job feels a little rude, and while they don't often care about being rude, yves did just tell them a very deeply personal thing.
so. ]
It's a little difficult to explain. [ also, w0. ] But the A in chastity isn't just for show, I guess. It's a curse I was born with and was always told would come true no matter what I tried to change. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
[ why are you so afraid of me turboing our cr during w0 again "it's already turbo" yes maybe so but it could be more
but they'll make it to the beach and approach the sand. yves will toe off his shoes in a second, but first he pauses and frowns a bit in thought. he nods, in what slight understanding he can find but... ]
Mm... That's frustrating. I'm not sure if I fully understand but at least... [ he'll bring up their hands and - as best as he can with what vague glowyness exists - press a kiss to the back of zuriel's ] I think you'd be someone easy for me to love.
[ because usually when we turbo one of us dies. also some things are blatantly obvious let me have my secrets!! but it's fine. there are some things zuriel should maybe elaborate on, but this is about yves so they follow him and also follow his guidance which means... taking off shoes he can't really see? yeah. but it's sandy, and they're holding his hand and keeping their shoes in the other, and they are a little surprised by the affection suddenly. ]
Oh? You barely know me. [ it's not really an admonishment, but more like they're pointing it out. it's sweet, but it does make them wonder a little about how yves goes about romance. ]
[ for what it's worth - despite everything they've talked about, yves doesn't seem to entirely mean it romantically. like, he could! but in this moment, the words leave his mouth just so terribly easily it can be hard to tell!
but he's still confident! ]
Maybe, but I think I still know enough important things. I know that you're trying your best to help the people here, and you care about what's fair for others. You want people to live happier lives, and you're just doing your best yourself.
[ this man is truly a lot, and yet somehow this all feels very weirdly familiar to them in a way they can't pinpoint. and in other ways, they can. because it's true, everything he says about them isn't exactly a wrong assessment. but, of course, they argue to prove a point. ]
But I can still be selfish. There are things I wanted and things I still want that I know I can't have because of where I come from and who I am. And people don't like that I won't let them tell me what to do. People don't always like my opinions. I'm not as good-looking as people around me, and I don't have nearly the same opportunities available. There's no hiding what kind of person I am.
[ but...? ]
But even with that, if you think a person like me can be loved even looking like this and acting like this, I do still think the same is true for you. Even with the scar. I don't think the ugly parts matter to someone who really cares about you. Even if finding them will take time.
[ off they walk toward the water now, hand in hand with their shoes in their other hands.... stupid.
still yves laughs ] You can say all that, and I am happy to know more about you, but it wouldn't make me love you any less. When I decided to try to seek out love, I also decided to love everyone. You aren't an exception.
But... I know I'm abnormal. [ he knows he is bizarre in his all-encompassing love ] Even so... I hope you're right, but I wouldn't blame anyone if a limit existed for them. And I still couldn't be accepted by them.
[ extremely stupid! but they turn that around in their head for a bit as they draw closer to the water. ]
Is it ever hard for you? To love everyone so openly. [ it's a question borne from curiosity, and one they have an answer for themselves but would be interested to know from someone like yves. they have thoughts on this whole limit thing and being abnormal in his behavior, but they will withhold the thoughts for now until he answers that. ]
I think there are moments where I get frustrated, and I have limits on what I tolerate. But I don’t want anyone else to feel like I did, so I’ll always try to love someone no matter who they are.
Yes, because greed can easily turn into something more twisted that will hurt someone without caring about them. [ their tone goes a little flat and dark, but they let it go. ]
Maybe it is twisted. But is it a love with no sincerity at all?
[ their b in justice is for a reason but it's fine. we can hold hands, and they squeeze back a little. once again vaguely bothered that this feels familiar in a way they can't pinpoint. ]
[ looks to the moon. i don't want to talk about who yves reminds them of right now, there are problems here. ]
I mean it. [ it is not as selfish as he seems to think, nor is it as twisted as it sounds. there are so many people out there who pretend to care about others, and some of them aren't as nice as others. at least yves' feelings are (in his own head) genuine. but they shake their head. ]
It's alright. Things are better than they were, I think. [ they think, because now they are thinking about something else. ] Shouldn't that be what I say to you though?
[ yves what did you do to your brain, zuriel and i both ask in tears. ]
I think being excommunicated by people who were supposed to love you unconditionally would count as ill-fated, Yves. Even though it reflects more poorly on them than it ever would on you.
[ sorry, they are sticking to that point that his family should have at least loved him still. ]
[ hmmm he looks thoughtful about it, but even now his expression is still devoid of any contempt ]
... I do think it hurt.
But I think they must've just been scared, and trying to do what they thought was best. I know that's still probably not a good enough reason when I tell it to others but...
They did love me once. I'm grateful for that.
[ the reason for his A+ in gratitude is truly because of this ]
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... they blamed it on someone staying at the orphanage. But it wasn't her fault. [ immediate and adamant ] But if they already distrusted someone there, and then I got caught in what they saw as a horrible accident... they can think I'm Death's puppet because of the mark left on me.
[ but. ]
I don't know, but I wish I got a chance to find out. If I wasn't scarred, then I could still try to find love in the same trial and error as everyone else. Instead of... error error error.
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Yeah, but... there must be someone out there who would still love you even with the scar. Who could look past a curse like that. [ even with that thought, it isn't as if they don't get it. ] It must be hard wanting something like that and being unable to have it the same way everyone else does right now.
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It's no one's fault but my own. I don't want to complain, or say it's hard, because it's not someone's fault if they can't bring themselves to love me.
... so I hope you're right. [ but so far they've both been wrong. every time yves has believed in someone, they've broken his heart ]
But... I just wanted to explain. I know I'm cared for, and I like to think that people like me. But... it's really just because I'm greedy. I'm doing my best to try and be kind, but it's just in hopes that maybe someone will love me for it.
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I don't think it's greedy to want something you have been led to believe you can't have because of circumstances outside of your control. And the worst of it is that thinking about how you don't have it makes you want it even more. You can have friends and family who love you, but... it feels different to be told you can't have something and certain circumstances may never change.
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it's truly so funny because zuriel is right. that is frustrating. that is like running right into a brick wall over again. and none of what yves has experience is actually his fault. and despite this - he tries so hard to love everyone. but the thing is that yves literally cannot process the feelings of spite or envy anymore, because of that same desire to love everyone. he can't hold people in contempt. so all he does is just
squeeze zuriel's hand once, gently ]
... speaking from experience?
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... my curse was about love, too. [ which is all they say about it for a moment. ] When something like that shadows your whole life, it's very hard to see any way around it.
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Mm... I'm sorry. [ that they are both cursed, that they both struggle with love ] Can I ask... what was your curse?
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so. ]
It's a little difficult to explain. [ also, w0. ] But the A in chastity isn't just for show, I guess. It's a curse I was born with and was always told would come true no matter what I tried to change. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
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but they'll make it to the beach and approach the sand. yves will toe off his shoes in a second, but first he pauses and frowns a bit in thought. he nods, in what slight understanding he can find but... ]
Mm... That's frustrating. I'm not sure if I fully understand but at least... [ he'll bring up their hands and - as best as he can with what vague glowyness exists - press a kiss to the back of zuriel's ] I think you'd be someone easy for me to love.
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Oh? You barely know me. [ it's not really an admonishment, but more like they're pointing it out. it's sweet, but it does make them wonder a little about how yves goes about romance. ]
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but he's still confident! ]
Maybe, but I think I still know enough important things. I know that you're trying your best to help the people here, and you care about what's fair for others. You want people to live happier lives, and you're just doing your best yourself.
So that means you're someone I could love.
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But I can still be selfish. There are things I wanted and things I still want that I know I can't have because of where I come from and who I am. And people don't like that I won't let them tell me what to do. People don't always like my opinions. I'm not as good-looking as people around me, and I don't have nearly the same opportunities available. There's no hiding what kind of person I am.
[ but...? ]
But even with that, if you think a person like me can be loved even looking like this and acting like this, I do still think the same is true for you. Even with the scar. I don't think the ugly parts matter to someone who really cares about you. Even if finding them will take time.
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still yves laughs ] You can say all that, and I am happy to know more about you, but it wouldn't make me love you any less. When I decided to try to seek out love, I also decided to love everyone. You aren't an exception.
But... I know I'm abnormal. [ he knows he is bizarre in his all-encompassing love ] Even so... I hope you're right, but I wouldn't blame anyone if a limit existed for them. And I still couldn't be accepted by them.
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Is it ever hard for you? To love everyone so openly. [ it's a question borne from curiosity, and one they have an answer for themselves but would be interested to know from someone like yves. they have thoughts on this whole limit thing and being abnormal in his behavior, but they will withhold the thoughts for now until he answers that. ]
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[ simply, despite everything ]
I think there are moments where I get frustrated, and I have limits on what I tolerate. But I don’t want anyone else to feel like I did, so I’ll always try to love someone no matter who they are.
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You want to be sure people aren't alone. Even when they make it difficult. That's pretty admirable of you.
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Is it still admirable if it's born out of a greed for love?
I think I'm a little twisted sometimes... but I don't know how to be any other way anymore.
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Maybe it is twisted. But is it a love with no sincerity at all?
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... no. I really do care about everyone I meet.
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Then I think it isn't as twisted as it could be.
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... I suppose so.
[ quiet, like he hadn't really thought of that before. it's easier to think of yourself as truly just so selfish when it's just you in your head. ]
I'm sorry that it sounds like things were hard for you before you came here.
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I mean it. [ it is not as selfish as he seems to think, nor is it as twisted as it sounds. there are so many people out there who pretend to care about others, and some of them aren't as nice as others. at least yves' feelings are (in his own head) genuine. but they shake their head. ]
It's alright. Things are better than they were, I think. [ they think, because now they are thinking about something else. ] Shouldn't that be what I say to you though?
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zuriel is so right... yves just has a very warped sense of self-perception due to trauma and his self-inflicted brain damage
though he looks confused at the last question ]
Oh? Me? Well, I think I actually had a pretty good life as a whole...
[ did you think he'd COMPLAIN? ]
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I think being excommunicated by people who were supposed to love you unconditionally would count as ill-fated, Yves. Even though it reflects more poorly on them than it ever would on you.
[ sorry, they are sticking to that point that his family should have at least loved him still. ]
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... I do think it hurt.
But I think they must've just been scared, and trying to do what they thought was best. I know that's still probably not a good enough reason when I tell it to others but...
They did love me once. I'm grateful for that.
[ the reason for his A+ in gratitude is truly because of this ]
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