Right, right. Because of what she's done for you, you were bound to follow her. But that was before you started really meeting other people and having more to do with people who aren't Sharrins, wasn't it?
[ a tilt of their head. ]
It must feel kinda weird sticking with your path but knowing your beliefs are a little conflicting.
[it's maybe a little more because of what was done to her.]
...Truthfully, my beliefs have been conflicted as long as I can remember. [sure, she may say she's devoted and believes strongly but that doesn't mean she feels it in her heart.] It's never been easy for me, to follow.
[ listen. yes. you know this and i know this but here we are, and gabriel is considering all of this. ]
... then why do you? Really. Like I know what you might say to people who know better, but pretend I'm stupid, or maybe like I'm not even here. [ the glow from them dies down just slightly. ] Honestly, why do you follow something you don't fully believe is right?
[it's a good question, and she wants to answer them honestly. she does know the answer, but it takes her a moment to say it.]
I don't have anything else. Not even memories of anything else. No family, no home to return to, no identity, no purpose. All of it belongs to Shar. And I know enough now to know that that was by design - to make me depend on her, on all of them, to make me too afraid to even consider something else.
But just because it was designed to do that doesn't mean it didn't work.
[ they continue to watch the mirror, though it's hard to say where their eyes are drawn. ]
So you were gaslit your whole life into following a goddess who may or may not actually have beliefs that are terrible. [ understanding, okay. ] Feels a little like a toxic relationship. You think you love someone because they care for you and have given you everything that you modeled yourself to be and they protect you, but you don't realize it's because they've isolated you so far nothing else seems like a valid option.
I want better for you. I know you know it feels different, now, making new memories and making your own choices here. Even if it feels a little like wandering in the dark because the person you've worshipped isn't there to tell you what to think. [ ... ] Says something about how you've changed that you're even having this conversation though.
Maybe not to the same degree as you, but I've had my own share of shitty relationships. And... you know. Sticking with things because it was all you knew, even if it wasn't great. I find that taking time away can actually help get your head on straight. Even if it's forced on you.
Then I don't think there's anything wrong with planning for whatever comes next and knowing it may not be with Lady Shar. Some people do say the the first step is the hardest, but after that... call it a lot of potential.
[ which is all they get to say before they turn a corner, and this time, the mirrors display something else.
You heard about God’s proposal, and it’s both the most interesting and the most dangerous gamble you’ve heard lately. Heaven is meant to be a place for people that are inherently good… but if you’re honest, you haven’t always felt comfortable with that idea either. What if a good person makes one bad mistake? Or what if one bad person changes their ways at the end of their life? Does that exclude them from paradise…?
So okay. Maybe you can get behind the idea of a trial of judgment.
“So. I can have the job?”
The large, pink axolotl before you regards you curiously. They do not blink, and when God speaks to you you hear it in your head again rather than see their mouth open.
”You think you can be of use?”
The answer is no, actually. You’re not entirely sure you’re qualified to be a part of something like this, but you don’t really want to say no either. This is about proving yourself, too.
“Do you think I’d be here if I couldn’t be?”
God hums, seemingly satisfied with your answer. You lean back against the wall, stretching your spine a little as it bunches uncomfortably. When was the last time you slept well? Far too long, probably.
”Your unique outlook will make this interesting.” They concede. ”You have eight months to prepare and participate. You will stay for the duration of the trial.”
No arguments there. You want to be here. You want to succeed. You have to succeed, or what are you even doing with your time?
“A bar then.” You suggest. “If there’s one made, I’ll take over. Keeps me there, keeps them occupied. Do we have a deal?”
God doesn’t verbally agree, but you hear the sound of that low, song-like humming you’ve heard before as they hold your gaze so long it grows uncomfortable. You suppose that’s good enough. You don’t really have time to think it over either.
There’s a lot you need to catch up on, after all.
and gabriel sort of stops to watch, a little displeased having to revisit this. ]
Was... there some doubt about that? The axogodtl's all over the church.
[ but that aside, it's mostly to derail from having to really think too hard about it. ]
It's more like mental fortitude. I knew what I wanted to do, but I also knew you would all likely be coming in with a lot of things that I'd be way out of my depth on.
[ it's not even that, entirely, but they do seem to realize how it might come across. ]
Thanks. That's... I was kind of kidding, I'm not, like, being paid to do this. I believed in the project and I wanted to be here. But I also know God expects very little of me in terms of... anything. Probably why the Angels are the ones guiding you instead.
I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to think. [ ...but. ] Walk me through it though. Is it hard to imagine why someone would do it, or is it hard to understand why so many of you are here?
[well, it has a lot to do with how she was raised in a cult.]
...I grew up being taught one way of thinking was correct. A lot of what I taught is what I think you and many others would consider to be evil or wrong or harmful. But I was taught the opposite. I was taught that those values were a lie others sought to impose, but we were doing the right thing, because we were serving Lady Shar, and eventually through our actions all would benefit from her embrace.
[she's not sure she believes that anymore at all, but...]
I think the part of it that sticks with me, even after everything I've come to feel about Lady Shar, is that... I don't believe anyone else gets to define for me what's right and what's wrong. Simply because I abandon my faith in Shar does not mean I would immediately follow Selûne, or any other God, and their tenants.
I know I don't have the right to demand a second chance, so I have no choice to consent to the terms that are offered. But if this wasn't for my ability to return home? I wouldn't want to take part in this experiment at all, because I don't care about someone else's judgment of my actions.
[ well. that would do it. they're patient as they listen, because even if some of the stuff she says flies over their head sometimes, they get the gist of it and think it's important. ]
This... kinda goes back to the gaslighting thing. [ stop calling it that. ] But... maybe you're right. Maybe it's not up to anyone else to say if you're right or wrong for what you believe and what you do. I never really bought into the idea that there's a clear good and evil for everything, and that's part of why I believed in the project, but... maybe I was wrong, too? Thinking that maybe things are more clear in other places.
[ there's another glance at the mirror. the big axogodtl swims past... ]
Oh. [ they knew this, logically, and really just kept saying it. ] I swear I'm not calling your life a giant fart. It's more like... manipulating somebody into thinking certain things are true or that they're misremembering things, sort of steering them into thinking a certain way for their own gain. Does that help?
[a grim smile because, comparing her life to a fart also made sense, but this is admittedly a better comparison.]
And I agree that's what happened to me. But it doesn't mean every lesson I learned was wrong. I was taught to believe in some awful things, but I also survived, and I don't regret learning to be a survivor. [and yet some people would think the pragmatism and self-preservation that was hard won was immoral.]
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[she liked isobel. she liked what she was doing, much more than what shar did with that land.]
I never had much choice but to follow Lady Shar.
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[ a tilt of their head. ]
It must feel kinda weird sticking with your path but knowing your beliefs are a little conflicting.
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...Truthfully, my beliefs have been conflicted as long as I can remember. [sure, she may say she's devoted and believes strongly but that doesn't mean she feels it in her heart.] It's never been easy for me, to follow.
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... then why do you? Really. Like I know what you might say to people who know better, but pretend I'm stupid, or maybe like I'm not even here. [ the glow from them dies down just slightly. ] Honestly, why do you follow something you don't fully believe is right?
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I don't have anything else. Not even memories of anything else. No family, no home to return to, no identity, no purpose. All of it belongs to Shar. And I know enough now to know that that was by design - to make me depend on her, on all of them, to make me too afraid to even consider something else.
But just because it was designed to do that doesn't mean it didn't work.
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So you were gaslit your whole life into following a goddess who may or may not actually have beliefs that are terrible. [ understanding, okay. ] Feels a little like a toxic relationship. You think you love someone because they care for you and have given you everything that you modeled yourself to be and they protect you, but you don't realize it's because they've isolated you so far nothing else seems like a valid option.
I want better for you. I know you know it feels different, now, making new memories and making your own choices here. Even if it feels a little like wandering in the dark because the person you've worshipped isn't there to tell you what to think. [ ... ] Says something about how you've changed that you're even having this conversation though.
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[it does sound a little like that, maybe.]
I do think I want better. Maybe I only needed a little time away from it to think about it.
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[ which is all they get to say before they turn a corner, and this time, the mirrors display something else.
and gabriel sort of stops to watch, a little displeased having to revisit this. ]
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Well, I'm glad to see that it really is an axolotl.
[there seemed to be controversy about that???]
What exactly did you have to prepare for this stint...? A drink menu?
[raising an eyebrow as though she is skeptical that the answer is a drink menu.]
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[ but that aside, it's mostly to derail from having to really think too hard about it. ]
It's more like mental fortitude. I knew what I wanted to do, but I also knew you would all likely be coming in with a lot of things that I'd be way out of my depth on.
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[hmm...]
So your part of it is to talk to the ones of us who drink a bit too much?
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[ lucky them. ]
My part of it is to be extra support. It's your choice if you guys take that.
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[though it is slightly odd, feeling like they're doing it on purpose to redeem them.]
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Thanks. That's... I was kind of kidding, I'm not, like, being paid to do this. I believed in the project and I wanted to be here. But I also know God expects very little of me in terms of... anything. Probably why the Angels are the ones guiding you instead.
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[she sighs.]
It's more that... I don't know. This entire project is hard for me to wrap my head around. I don't know that I understand it.
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...I grew up being taught one way of thinking was correct. A lot of what I taught is what I think you and many others would consider to be evil or wrong or harmful. But I was taught the opposite. I was taught that those values were a lie others sought to impose, but we were doing the right thing, because we were serving Lady Shar, and eventually through our actions all would benefit from her embrace.
[she's not sure she believes that anymore at all, but...]
I think the part of it that sticks with me, even after everything I've come to feel about Lady Shar, is that... I don't believe anyone else gets to define for me what's right and what's wrong. Simply because I abandon my faith in Shar does not mean I would immediately follow Selûne, or any other God, and their tenants.
I know I don't have the right to demand a second chance, so I have no choice to consent to the terms that are offered. But if this wasn't for my ability to return home? I wouldn't want to take part in this experiment at all, because I don't care about someone else's judgment of my actions.
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This... kinda goes back to the gaslighting thing. [ stop calling it that. ] But... maybe you're right. Maybe it's not up to anyone else to say if you're right or wrong for what you believe and what you do. I never really bought into the idea that there's a clear good and evil for everything, and that's part of why I believed in the project, but... maybe I was wrong, too? Thinking that maybe things are more clear in other places.
[ there's another glance at the mirror. the big axogodtl swims past... ]
People should be able to make their own choices.
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This is where I say I don't know what gaslighting is, and I was afraid to ask. Gas...? As in...flatulence? Is that what you were comparing my life to.
[we do not have gas stoves or hitchcock. so we do not have this term.]
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[a grim smile because, comparing her life to a fart also made sense, but this is admittedly a better comparison.]
And I agree that's what happened to me. But it doesn't mean every lesson I learned was wrong. I was taught to believe in some awful things, but I also survived, and I don't regret learning to be a survivor. [and yet some people would think the pragmatism and self-preservation that was hard won was immoral.]
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