[ it's not even that, entirely, but they do seem to realize how it might come across. ]
Thanks. That's... I was kind of kidding, I'm not, like, being paid to do this. I believed in the project and I wanted to be here. But I also know God expects very little of me in terms of... anything. Probably why the Angels are the ones guiding you instead.
I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to think. [ ...but. ] Walk me through it though. Is it hard to imagine why someone would do it, or is it hard to understand why so many of you are here?
[well, it has a lot to do with how she was raised in a cult.]
...I grew up being taught one way of thinking was correct. A lot of what I taught is what I think you and many others would consider to be evil or wrong or harmful. But I was taught the opposite. I was taught that those values were a lie others sought to impose, but we were doing the right thing, because we were serving Lady Shar, and eventually through our actions all would benefit from her embrace.
[she's not sure she believes that anymore at all, but...]
I think the part of it that sticks with me, even after everything I've come to feel about Lady Shar, is that... I don't believe anyone else gets to define for me what's right and what's wrong. Simply because I abandon my faith in Shar does not mean I would immediately follow Selûne, or any other God, and their tenants.
I know I don't have the right to demand a second chance, so I have no choice to consent to the terms that are offered. But if this wasn't for my ability to return home? I wouldn't want to take part in this experiment at all, because I don't care about someone else's judgment of my actions.
[ well. that would do it. they're patient as they listen, because even if some of the stuff she says flies over their head sometimes, they get the gist of it and think it's important. ]
This... kinda goes back to the gaslighting thing. [ stop calling it that. ] But... maybe you're right. Maybe it's not up to anyone else to say if you're right or wrong for what you believe and what you do. I never really bought into the idea that there's a clear good and evil for everything, and that's part of why I believed in the project, but... maybe I was wrong, too? Thinking that maybe things are more clear in other places.
[ there's another glance at the mirror. the big axogodtl swims past... ]
Oh. [ they knew this, logically, and really just kept saying it. ] I swear I'm not calling your life a giant fart. It's more like... manipulating somebody into thinking certain things are true or that they're misremembering things, sort of steering them into thinking a certain way for their own gain. Does that help?
[a grim smile because, comparing her life to a fart also made sense, but this is admittedly a better comparison.]
And I agree that's what happened to me. But it doesn't mean every lesson I learned was wrong. I was taught to believe in some awful things, but I also survived, and I don't regret learning to be a survivor. [and yet some people would think the pragmatism and self-preservation that was hard won was immoral.]
The methods might've been extremely fucked up but no, it doesn't mean the lessons are wrong. Open for interpretation, but maybe not wrong. [ a pause. ] ... sometimes you have to do things you don't want to in order to survive, and I wouldn't fault anybody else for that either. It's more about what to do going forward now.
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[ lucky them. ]
My part of it is to be extra support. It's your choice if you guys take that.
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[though it is slightly odd, feeling like they're doing it on purpose to redeem them.]
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Thanks. That's... I was kind of kidding, I'm not, like, being paid to do this. I believed in the project and I wanted to be here. But I also know God expects very little of me in terms of... anything. Probably why the Angels are the ones guiding you instead.
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[she sighs.]
It's more that... I don't know. This entire project is hard for me to wrap my head around. I don't know that I understand it.
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...I grew up being taught one way of thinking was correct. A lot of what I taught is what I think you and many others would consider to be evil or wrong or harmful. But I was taught the opposite. I was taught that those values were a lie others sought to impose, but we were doing the right thing, because we were serving Lady Shar, and eventually through our actions all would benefit from her embrace.
[she's not sure she believes that anymore at all, but...]
I think the part of it that sticks with me, even after everything I've come to feel about Lady Shar, is that... I don't believe anyone else gets to define for me what's right and what's wrong. Simply because I abandon my faith in Shar does not mean I would immediately follow Selûne, or any other God, and their tenants.
I know I don't have the right to demand a second chance, so I have no choice to consent to the terms that are offered. But if this wasn't for my ability to return home? I wouldn't want to take part in this experiment at all, because I don't care about someone else's judgment of my actions.
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This... kinda goes back to the gaslighting thing. [ stop calling it that. ] But... maybe you're right. Maybe it's not up to anyone else to say if you're right or wrong for what you believe and what you do. I never really bought into the idea that there's a clear good and evil for everything, and that's part of why I believed in the project, but... maybe I was wrong, too? Thinking that maybe things are more clear in other places.
[ there's another glance at the mirror. the big axogodtl swims past... ]
People should be able to make their own choices.
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This is where I say I don't know what gaslighting is, and I was afraid to ask. Gas...? As in...flatulence? Is that what you were comparing my life to.
[we do not have gas stoves or hitchcock. so we do not have this term.]
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[a grim smile because, comparing her life to a fart also made sense, but this is admittedly a better comparison.]
And I agree that's what happened to me. But it doesn't mean every lesson I learned was wrong. I was taught to believe in some awful things, but I also survived, and I don't regret learning to be a survivor. [and yet some people would think the pragmatism and self-preservation that was hard won was immoral.]
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