[a slight laugh at that. it all happened so quickly, it all was just about feeling. aylin had said shar feared truth more than she felt death, and that felt true. she'd been forced to accept so many secrets, told not to wonder, forced not to reach for more.
she was angry about it. she was angry to have lost so much of herself. it feels more that she lashed out in a sudden moment of rebellion than made a decision.]
[ the thing is, ramiel wouldn't think that negates anything. ]
I would regret it too. Anyone would regret something when it went poorly for them, and they had to act without much time to think. But regretting a choice doesn't change that you made it, and that the world will now move on carrying the effects of that choice.
I still feel doubt and remorse for hard choices that I've made, too. And those feelings help me to understand the people here who have made worse choices for their own safety.
There are some people who seem to think it should all come easily. [but that was the hardest thing she ever did, and it's not like it became easier the moment she made the hard choice. it got even harder, it got worse. she wasn't immediately a better person, just a person with fewer choices.]
Making the right choice is often the hardest thing a person can do. That's why it's so important—because it would be much easier not to.
Anyone who thinks that it's easy... can't have been faced with complex dilemmas of their own. So for them to call it easy just shows that they've only been able to make good choices because there was no reason not to.
Our circumstances are a little different from yours. I haven't died. I know that God approved of me, since they reached out for me to help with this project—but technically I haven't received my judgment either. And probably won't for a long, long time after this, if ever.
But I've had to make a hard choice. Not at the cost of my life, but someone I love's. I would never call it easy.
[ she knows that's a little different, but... well, with that, a convenient memory of hers plays out, from 33:52 to 35:25. ]
[ she has to think about that. because truthfully, there isn't a succinct answer. sort of her creator. but mostly not. the boy she loved. in a way, a martyr. but that's only how she felt about him. from his side... arguably they weren't anything to each other. ]
[just lightly, to show that she considers that answer to be a bit of a cop out, but she isn't going to push on it, either.]
I don't know if I believe it's the same as deciding what to do with your own life. But it's interesting... you've always encouraged me to consider whether I can find what I'm looking for here. [even though she isn't dead, exactly.] Is that where you think he is now?
I wouldn't really know. [ ramiel doesn't need to be pushed anyway. she just says things. ] That's the best answer I have, but I don't even think we were that.
... I understand what you mean. To me, sacrificing myself would have been an easier choice. If it would have accomplished anything, I would have chosen that. But because of the specific circumstances, it wouldn't have.
Still, I don't expect that to be the same for everyone. Least of all embodied people. Your lives are precious. Short, and delicate. It's natural to favor self preservation. [ rude. she doesn't mean it rudely, but it's rude.
anyway, she shakes her head. ] I don't know where he is. There were some... last minute complications that I'm still confused about. But I know now that there are countless worlds and timelines, so tracking someone down, especially when I'm meant to be focusing on this project, would only be a distraction from more pressing problems.
[she is a little skeptical, because it's just, out of everyone? in every universe? but there is no way to say that without sounding like she's calling them no good.]
You're all very lovely, it's only that it's a bit confusing, that he would have worked with people who were new to him.
To me, picking new people for a new project makes sense. Fresh eyes and all that. Besides, if they only picked from people they knew, that would just be nepotism.
And who knows. Maybe most people God knows are too tied to the way Heaven has always done things before.
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I know that it didn't give you the answers that you wanted. But it does answer who you want to be. And with that, who you are.
[ someone who would chose mercy. ]
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[a slight laugh at that. it all happened so quickly, it all was just about feeling. aylin had said shar feared truth more than she felt death, and that felt true. she'd been forced to accept so many secrets, told not to wonder, forced not to reach for more.
she was angry about it. she was angry to have lost so much of herself. it feels more that she lashed out in a sudden moment of rebellion than made a decision.]
I regretted it the second I did it.
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[ the thing is, ramiel wouldn't think that negates anything. ]
I would regret it too. Anyone would regret something when it went poorly for them, and they had to act without much time to think. But regretting a choice doesn't change that you made it, and that the world will now move on carrying the effects of that choice.
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[even if it was just a split second decision, it's too late.]
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Is it really something you regret as if it was the wrong choice? Or is it just wishing that it hadn't carried such heavy consequence?
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[she doesn't wish for aylin dead, last light inn destroyed, shar victorious. she's just afraid at what it all means.]
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I still feel doubt and remorse for hard choices that I've made, too. And those feelings help me to understand the people here who have made worse choices for their own safety.
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[on that, they can agree.]
There are some people who seem to think it should all come easily. [but that was the hardest thing she ever did, and it's not like it became easier the moment she made the hard choice. it got even harder, it got worse. she wasn't immediately a better person, just a person with fewer choices.]
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Anyone who thinks that it's easy... can't have been faced with complex dilemmas of their own. So for them to call it easy just shows that they've only been able to make good choices because there was no reason not to.
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But I've had to make a hard choice. Not at the cost of my life, but someone I love's. I would never call it easy.
[ she knows that's a little different, but... well, with that, a convenient memory of hers plays out, from 33:52 to 35:25. ]
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Who was he?
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I had to bring him back to save lives, even knowing that it would likely kill him again. And it did.
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... A friend, I suppose.
[ even that's a stretch. ]
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[just lightly, to show that she considers that answer to be a bit of a cop out, but she isn't going to push on it, either.]
I don't know if I believe it's the same as deciding what to do with your own life. But it's interesting... you've always encouraged me to consider whether I can find what I'm looking for here. [even though she isn't dead, exactly.] Is that where you think he is now?
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... I understand what you mean. To me, sacrificing myself would have been an easier choice. If it would have accomplished anything, I would have chosen that. But because of the specific circumstances, it wouldn't have.
Still, I don't expect that to be the same for everyone. Least of all embodied people. Your lives are precious. Short, and delicate. It's natural to favor self preservation. [ rude. she doesn't mean it rudely, but it's rude.
anyway, she shakes her head. ] I don't know where he is. There were some... last minute complications that I'm still confused about. But I know now that there are countless worlds and timelines, so tracking someone down, especially when I'm meant to be focusing on this project, would only be a distraction from more pressing problems.
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Why were you three chosen for this project? I'm still not sure I understand.
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You're all very lovely, it's only that it's a bit confusing, that he would have worked with people who were new to him.
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To me, picking new people for a new project makes sense. Fresh eyes and all that. Besides, if they only picked from people they knew, that would just be nepotism.
And who knows. Maybe most people God knows are too tied to the way Heaven has always done things before.
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But that is a running theory about the source. Maybe someone who wants to pull the ladder up behind themselves. Hypothetically.
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It sounds possible. Some sort of sabotage.
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I don't know. People can change. For the better, sometimes. But it's possible to change for the worse, even in paradise.
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