I still feel doubt and remorse for hard choices that I've made, too. And those feelings help me to understand the people here who have made worse choices for their own safety.
There are some people who seem to think it should all come easily. [but that was the hardest thing she ever did, and it's not like it became easier the moment she made the hard choice. it got even harder, it got worse. she wasn't immediately a better person, just a person with fewer choices.]
Making the right choice is often the hardest thing a person can do. That's why it's so important—because it would be much easier not to.
Anyone who thinks that it's easy... can't have been faced with complex dilemmas of their own. So for them to call it easy just shows that they've only been able to make good choices because there was no reason not to.
Our circumstances are a little different from yours. I haven't died. I know that God approved of me, since they reached out for me to help with this project—but technically I haven't received my judgment either. And probably won't for a long, long time after this, if ever.
But I've had to make a hard choice. Not at the cost of my life, but someone I love's. I would never call it easy.
[ she knows that's a little different, but... well, with that, a convenient memory of hers plays out, from 33:52 to 35:25. ]
[ she has to think about that. because truthfully, there isn't a succinct answer. sort of her creator. but mostly not. the boy she loved. in a way, a martyr. but that's only how she felt about him. from his side... arguably they weren't anything to each other. ]
[just lightly, to show that she considers that answer to be a bit of a cop out, but she isn't going to push on it, either.]
I don't know if I believe it's the same as deciding what to do with your own life. But it's interesting... you've always encouraged me to consider whether I can find what I'm looking for here. [even though she isn't dead, exactly.] Is that where you think he is now?
I wouldn't really know. [ ramiel doesn't need to be pushed anyway. she just says things. ] That's the best answer I have, but I don't even think we were that.
... I understand what you mean. To me, sacrificing myself would have been an easier choice. If it would have accomplished anything, I would have chosen that. But because of the specific circumstances, it wouldn't have.
Still, I don't expect that to be the same for everyone. Least of all embodied people. Your lives are precious. Short, and delicate. It's natural to favor self preservation. [ rude. she doesn't mean it rudely, but it's rude.
anyway, she shakes her head. ] I don't know where he is. There were some... last minute complications that I'm still confused about. But I know now that there are countless worlds and timelines, so tracking someone down, especially when I'm meant to be focusing on this project, would only be a distraction from more pressing problems.
[she is a little skeptical, because it's just, out of everyone? in every universe? but there is no way to say that without sounding like she's calling them no good.]
You're all very lovely, it's only that it's a bit confusing, that he would have worked with people who were new to him.
To me, picking new people for a new project makes sense. Fresh eyes and all that. Besides, if they only picked from people they knew, that would just be nepotism.
And who knows. Maybe most people God knows are too tied to the way Heaven has always done things before.
That's understandable. Your identity is a culmination of your choices, and those can change moment to moment even in isolation from complex environmental influences.
[ she's just kind of dumb enough to still believe in good vs bad despite fully seeing the nuance. ]
And yet, even those told to believe in flawed righteous causes are capable of realizing when their enemy is false. [ like shadowheart did. ]
[she understands she's thinking of her, of shar, but in a way, she's not.]
I don't know. I think the world is fragile, and when you try to do right in one way, perhaps you break something else.
In my travels, I met a woman from something called the Society of Brilliance. They... advocate for races of people who are often maligned in our world, or thought vicious or evil, accept many of them among their number as scholars. I have met one or two others from the Society, and thought very well of them.
But this woman... [she frowns.] She asked us to steal an egg from a githyanki creche - she offered to pay us to do so. The githyanki are a warrior people from the Astral Sea, they're seen as ruthless invaders, cold and barbaric. I cannot say my own experiences with the githyanki have been positive. [she has one friend who is githyanki, and that particular friend is the one she clashes with most often, but also the githyanki queen wants them super dead.]
The woman's goal was to bring the egg to the Society. They would hatch the egg and raise it there, and in so doing, would prove that a githyanki child could be raised to be good, and that their cruel and vicious nature was nothing inherent to their race, but a matter of their environment.
The egg she wanted us to steal... I doubt that child looked forward to a fine and wonderful life in the creche, if it would be hatched there at all. [and actually they kind of killed everybody in there so definitely not.] And yet, there is something very hideous about such an experiment, is there not?
She wanted to prove that nurture was more powerful than nature. Studies show that both play a strong role in child development, but that nature is more impactful overall. [ or at least this is implied to be the case (in studies) in her canon. ]
But removing someone from their people by force isn't a kindness. Stealing a child isn't kindness. And even if nature is stronger than nurture, you can't predict who is going to overcome their nature. Or when.
Her desire to improve the way people view githyanki as a whole would hurt individual githyanki. Not only that, but it passed a clear judgment on their culture from the start.
I understand what you mean about the world. It is complicated. Innocent actions can do harm. Not just those motivated by misguided righteousness, but even ones made with completely pure intentions. We just... can't always know what the exact impact of our actions will be.
I don't think that the line between good and bad is in one spot. I don't think that it's a straight line either. I'm not even sure I would call it a line at all, I suppose, but there is a time and place for a judgment call to be made about who can be trusted to stay in Heaven.
I certainly don't mean to imply you're anything like that.
[she was a horrible lady and they very rightly just pickpocketed all her money and fled. like good people who know heaven's light would do.]
But sometimes I feel a bit like that egg, maybe. I don't know if I want my life to prove a point. I just want to live it, and if I happen to decide I want to be nice and embarrassing things like that, that's my business.
[so that's sort of the feeling at the core of her reservations, but...]
On the other hand, it's not as though if you have a system that operates on judging the morality of people that you can take their own word for it.
[ she just kind of. thinks out loud about anything she's discussing with someone. ]
... Whether they're good or bad choices, they should be your own to make. Not dictated by someone else's goals, forced on you at birth. Or, in a way, forced on you after death. If all a person could be was a pile of expectations, they would hardly be their own person at all.
[ and a little nod at that last part. ]
It's complex. Even societies without official forms of leadership still develop their own social rules and expectations of each other. I don't know that having official moderation is necessarily the perfect solution. But I don't think that it's a bad thing, either.
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I still feel doubt and remorse for hard choices that I've made, too. And those feelings help me to understand the people here who have made worse choices for their own safety.
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[on that, they can agree.]
There are some people who seem to think it should all come easily. [but that was the hardest thing she ever did, and it's not like it became easier the moment she made the hard choice. it got even harder, it got worse. she wasn't immediately a better person, just a person with fewer choices.]
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Anyone who thinks that it's easy... can't have been faced with complex dilemmas of their own. So for them to call it easy just shows that they've only been able to make good choices because there was no reason not to.
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But I've had to make a hard choice. Not at the cost of my life, but someone I love's. I would never call it easy.
[ she knows that's a little different, but... well, with that, a convenient memory of hers plays out, from 33:52 to 35:25. ]
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Who was he?
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I had to bring him back to save lives, even knowing that it would likely kill him again. And it did.
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... A friend, I suppose.
[ even that's a stretch. ]
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[just lightly, to show that she considers that answer to be a bit of a cop out, but she isn't going to push on it, either.]
I don't know if I believe it's the same as deciding what to do with your own life. But it's interesting... you've always encouraged me to consider whether I can find what I'm looking for here. [even though she isn't dead, exactly.] Is that where you think he is now?
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... I understand what you mean. To me, sacrificing myself would have been an easier choice. If it would have accomplished anything, I would have chosen that. But because of the specific circumstances, it wouldn't have.
Still, I don't expect that to be the same for everyone. Least of all embodied people. Your lives are precious. Short, and delicate. It's natural to favor self preservation. [ rude. she doesn't mean it rudely, but it's rude.
anyway, she shakes her head. ] I don't know where he is. There were some... last minute complications that I'm still confused about. But I know now that there are countless worlds and timelines, so tracking someone down, especially when I'm meant to be focusing on this project, would only be a distraction from more pressing problems.
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Why were you three chosen for this project? I'm still not sure I understand.
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You're all very lovely, it's only that it's a bit confusing, that he would have worked with people who were new to him.
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To me, picking new people for a new project makes sense. Fresh eyes and all that. Besides, if they only picked from people they knew, that would just be nepotism.
And who knows. Maybe most people God knows are too tied to the way Heaven has always done things before.
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But that is a running theory about the source. Maybe someone who wants to pull the ladder up behind themselves. Hypothetically.
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It sounds possible. Some sort of sabotage.
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I don't know. People can change. For the better, sometimes. But it's possible to change for the worse, even in paradise.
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[which is a problem for getting on board with all of this, but...]
Certainly many people who believe themselves to be acting righteously see enemies among those who believe the same of themselves.
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[ she's just kind of dumb enough to still believe in good vs bad despite fully seeing the nuance. ]
And yet, even those told to believe in flawed righteous causes are capable of realizing when their enemy is false. [ like shadowheart did. ]
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I don't know. I think the world is fragile, and when you try to do right in one way, perhaps you break something else.
In my travels, I met a woman from something called the Society of Brilliance. They... advocate for races of people who are often maligned in our world, or thought vicious or evil, accept many of them among their number as scholars. I have met one or two others from the Society, and thought very well of them.
But this woman... [she frowns.] She asked us to steal an egg from a githyanki creche - she offered to pay us to do so. The githyanki are a warrior people from the Astral Sea, they're seen as ruthless invaders, cold and barbaric. I cannot say my own experiences with the githyanki have been positive. [she has one friend who is githyanki, and that particular friend is the one she clashes with most often, but also the githyanki queen wants them super dead.]
The woman's goal was to bring the egg to the Society. They would hatch the egg and raise it there, and in so doing, would prove that a githyanki child could be raised to be good, and that their cruel and vicious nature was nothing inherent to their race, but a matter of their environment.
The egg she wanted us to steal... I doubt that child looked forward to a fine and wonderful life in the creche, if it would be hatched there at all. [and actually they kind of killed everybody in there so definitely not.] And yet, there is something very hideous about such an experiment, is there not?
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But removing someone from their people by force isn't a kindness. Stealing a child isn't kindness. And even if nature is stronger than nurture, you can't predict who is going to overcome their nature. Or when.
Her desire to improve the way people view githyanki as a whole would hurt individual githyanki. Not only that, but it passed a clear judgment on their culture from the start.
I understand what you mean about the world. It is complicated. Innocent actions can do harm. Not just those motivated by misguided righteousness, but even ones made with completely pure intentions. We just... can't always know what the exact impact of our actions will be.
I don't think that the line between good and bad is in one spot. I don't think that it's a straight line either. I'm not even sure I would call it a line at all, I suppose, but there is a time and place for a judgment call to be made about who can be trusted to stay in Heaven.
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[she was a horrible lady and they very rightly just pickpocketed all her money and fled. like good people who know heaven's light would do.]
But sometimes I feel a bit like that egg, maybe. I don't know if I want my life to prove a point. I just want to live it, and if I happen to decide I want to be nice and embarrassing things like that, that's my business.
[so that's sort of the feeling at the core of her reservations, but...]
On the other hand, it's not as though if you have a system that operates on judging the morality of people that you can take their own word for it.
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[ she just kind of. thinks out loud about anything she's discussing with someone. ]
... Whether they're good or bad choices, they should be your own to make. Not dictated by someone else's goals, forced on you at birth. Or, in a way, forced on you after death. If all a person could be was a pile of expectations, they would hardly be their own person at all.
[ and a little nod at that last part. ]
It's complex. Even societies without official forms of leadership still develop their own social rules and expectations of each other. I don't know that having official moderation is necessarily the perfect solution. But I don't think that it's a bad thing, either.