Audience - Firefly

[holyspirits]

Comments

[fightolive]

I... don't know exactly. I'm still thinking of ways to atone and reflect.

[sprayandpray]

... Would you like to talk about it? I don't want to pry too much into a matter you feel is too personal.

[fightolive]

I think I should. It's just... hard to talk about.

I don't know where to begin.

[sprayandpray]

Don't feel as if you have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable.

But let's begin with the present and work our way backwards. And start with reflection before atonement. What is it that's been on your mind?

[fightolive]

The virus and not saying anything about it to anyone for weeks. I understand it was a selfish decision.

I was really hoping that I wouldn't kill a second time. It was wrong to be optimistic about it.

[sprayandpray]

Guilt is a heavy burden to bear for an act you didn't have full control over. It isn't unusual to hope that you'll be the 'exception' to a rule. And admittedly, we know very little about this rule in particular.

Early on, those of you on the other side weren't even sure what would become of those who were hurt enough to end up here. I can certainly understand the trepidation.

These aren't justifications, but I mean to say that at least... I don't think it was completely unreasonable of you to stay quiet.

[fightolive]

It's the first time anything like this has happened, hasn't it? The first time means a lot of questions.

...

Still. If I were a... less selfish person, I wouldn't have gone with the lie for this long. I wouldn't have hurt anyone else either.

[sprayandpray]

Heaven is ordinarily a very peaceful place. Even with recent changes, there's no reason anyone could have expected any of this to happen.

... It's good to acknowledge the mistakes that you've made. To make sure you won't repeat them, and so you know who it is you owe apologies to. But remember that the goal is not to punish yourself.

[fightolive]

It's rare I have many peaceful moments. I do like them, when they come along.

The goal is to get better, isn't it?

[sprayandpray]

Ideally, Heaven would be as peaceful as you desire.

But that's right. The goal is to be kind. To be someone who could live in Heaven with others and not do harm. To grow from any mistakes you've made and be capable of creating a better future for yourself and for others.

[fightolive]

I want to go back to my life, if that is still an option.

[Sigh.]

To do no harm... When I was first created, it was to act as a weapon.

[sprayandpray]

You are still in the Lord's care, so you will be judged with the others and given whatever opportunities they deem you deserving of. Once everything is working normally, we will tell God everything we've seen of you all to help them make their final judgment—though of course the result isn't up to us.

I see... It must be easy to fall into believing this is your purpose.

But you know that you can be anyone you want to be. If not in your home, here.

[fightolive]

It's still strange to think of something godlike caring for us. Where I'm from They are entities of concepts. They don't care what mortals do.

... I want to be "me", Firefly.

[sprayandpray]

Each world has their own beliefs about God and the afterlife... As well as their own real deities. It doesn't surprise me that there's conflict with the truth of this Heaven.

[ and. hum. ]

Will you tell me - what sort of person is the Firefly you aspire to be?

[fightolive]

A normal girl.

Sorry, that's probably too vague.

I want to be somebody kind, who doesn't need to lie so much. And isn't so desperate that she'd turn and take a bad deal. ... I did take an apple from that tree. I tried so hard to find a solution at home, but the pawn shop owner said nothing I had was worth my life. Everyone who knew about the syndrome is long gone.

[sprayandpray]

... What syndrome?

[ not that this changes much, she imagines, but she'd like more information. ]

[fightolive]

It's the disease I was created with. When an empire makes weapons, they don't want them turning on their makers.

Entropy Loss Syndrome. It's a strange condition. Those suffering from it will experience an irreversible chronic dissociation of their physical structure. This means they will slowly fade away, and the process is barely noticeable to others.

[sprayandpray]

That must be so frightening to go through. If they didn't want weapons with lives they shouldn't have made living weapons.

It isn't wrong to want better for yourself. Often it isn't our emotions that can be criticized. Only our actions taken on their behalf.

[fightolive]

They didn't think of us as humans. Maybe because it was easier not to. I don't know. ...I didn't really think of us as individuals until much later.

[Feels like she's done a lot wrong here.]

[sprayandpray]

It sounds like you were led to think that way.

[fightolive]

... I think you're right.

But for the purposes of this experiment, what I did at home isn't being taken into account?

[sprayandpray]

I'm afraid I can't speak to exactly how God will judge you.

I imagine that it's taken into consideration. I imagine there's also empathy extended to the circumstances that may have left you backed into a corner. But who you choose to be when given freedom is important.

It's about your capacity to grow and change, if extended a little grace.

[fightolive]

It's hard to know what to do... But that part hasn't really changed. There are plenty of questions there too, and plenty of different ways to deal with whatever circumstances you're in.

[sprayandpray]

Life is an eternal question. And the afterlife is, too.

But it is still true that none of the complications here were meant to be a factor. It's really thrown things off course from the work God hired us for...

I think that wanting to change from whatever you have been forced to be in the past is an important first step. It's much, much harder for anyone to change if they don't really want to.

[fightolive]

Was there some kind of.... Job listing when this experiment was first brought up? What was it supposed to be for you?