I've explored during the day, yes. I don't have a lot of interest to see them at night...
[ after the one night....... he has had enough of moving skeletons. He has likely had enough drinks to talk a bit more, less shallow. ]
Will those you've wronged know? [ ... ] Will they know how remorseful you are? Will they know how hard you're working to do better, be better? Will it matter when none of it can soothe them?
[ Slowly, his person loses form, turning into a nebulous shadow without an outline. ]
Fair enough. [ these are some very deep questions, and while jacopo's busy being philosophical gabriel's mixing up a jack and coke for themselves. ]
You could ask the same about God, I think. Is God really watching? Would God really know you've improved, that you're sorry for the things you've done, that you're working on being a better person? Is that going to be enough, or will God say "hey, dumbass, who are you trying to fool?"
[ what a thing to say. but they watch as he turns into a shadow person and they tense up very slightly. ]
But at the same time, you have to think that being here is maybe the first step in that. Like a tentative "yes", and work it out from there. [ ... ] You worried about not being forgiven, then?
I was never really religious... Even here, I don't think that has changed.
[ He may honestly continue to not worry about what God thinks of him. Just going to be this shadow cloud sitting at the bar, but slowly he forms back into himself. Running a hand through his hair as he closes his eyes. ]
Forget the topic. I shouldn't be bothering a service worker like this... How would I be any better than those drunkards yesterday?
Yeah. That makes two of us. [ not religious? still not religious? they do not elaborate, but the vibe is there.
why are you still a shadow, this is disconcerting. but they finish making their drink and take a sip for taste while jacopo collects himself. ]
The drunkards yesterday were having a good time and wouldn't actually let me serve them drinks. Also, you're the only one who says this is bothering me.
They've already started having drinks by the time you showed up. A party is also for everyone to enjoy. Maybe serving a bit would be fine, but still. [ So. Like. Yeah... ] Is that so?
No one likes to be around gloomy and depressing people. This is also Heaven.
Yeah, I got that impression, too. I still had a decent time. [ so many people were so drunk? hilarious. wish that were them. ]
You think just because this is heaven everything's light and beautiful? [ also hilarious. ] It takes all kinds. And maybe I know how to deal with that a little better than our eternal optimists. So what, you consider yourself gloomy and depressing? [ like they consider him that too, but damn. ]
[ This is so funny... He's just tipsy dumbstruck. ]
... I am a patron.
[ Not in the "mommy, you're not speaking to me gently" surprised, but in the "if i still had the will to live i'd have your head on a pike" surprised. ]
Right, right. Should I have been more polite about it? [ they will not, this is still their bar. ] In the nature of doing good business, we can avoid that line of conversation if you really want.
And that would truly be a tragedy. Trust me, you wouldn't be any worse off than half the people who come by. I can at least trust you not to use "he started it" as an excuse for your behavior.
[ Not even himself, just being a semblance of a person. Maybe he'd amount to just his negative emotions and the shape of thoughts, like what souls are probably meant to be like when stripped. ]
To avoid emptiness, you need a shape. A container, I guess, for all the things you're trying not to spill over. And in order to have a shape, you have to design it after an idea.
So. What kind of person do you want people to think you are?
[ ... It's complicated because admitting that he actually wants to be his old self is throwing away everything he has worked for. All the suffering, the loneliness, would be for naught. However, he knows "Jacopo" is a better man, even though powerless.
"Jacopo" is everything he isn't. ]
I thought to start with being like my older self. [ It's vague enough. Not outright. ] He at least knew how to care for others.
And you don't think the current you can care for other people? [ just picking at these threads a bit. ] How long has it been since you were your older self?
... I don't feel a thing. I can make the shape of it, but it isn't the same. [ And he knows that's wrong. It's a predicament. ] Even if I did, I destroy everything I hold dear.
Four years.
[ Which may be not that many years, but they were grueling and stressful. ]
Emulating it, but not quite authentic. [ this sounds like an incredibly normal thing to say. ] Are they destroyed because you don't know how to respond to things right?
Normally, yes, even if a dead man's business is barely worth anything.
[ But... It's still his, isn't it. He isn't sure if he's resistant other times because it's to keep his ruse—people who have self-worth would care about their secrets—or if he genuinely cares what people think of him still. Is it a mix of both?
Why does it matter? He should be suffering. ]
The people learned of my crimes and rightfully revolted.
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[ after the one night....... he has had enough of moving skeletons. He has likely had enough drinks to talk a bit more, less shallow. ]
Will those you've wronged know? [ ... ] Will they know how remorseful you are? Will they know how hard you're working to do better, be better? Will it matter when none of it can soothe them?
[ Slowly, his person loses form, turning into a nebulous shadow without an outline. ]
If they don't forgive you, can you truly atone?
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You could ask the same about God, I think. Is God really watching? Would God really know you've improved, that you're sorry for the things you've done, that you're working on being a better person? Is that going to be enough, or will God say "hey, dumbass, who are you trying to fool?"
[ what a thing to say. but they watch as he turns into a shadow person and they tense up very slightly. ]
But at the same time, you have to think that being here is maybe the first step in that. Like a tentative "yes", and work it out from there. [ ... ] You worried about not being forgiven, then?
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I was never really religious... Even here, I don't think that has changed.
[ He may honestly continue to not worry about what God thinks of him. Just going to be this shadow cloud sitting at the bar, but slowly he forms back into himself. Running a hand through his hair as he closes his eyes. ]
Forget the topic. I shouldn't be bothering a service worker like this... How would I be any better than those drunkards yesterday?
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why are you still a shadow, this is disconcerting. but they finish making their drink and take a sip for taste while jacopo collects himself. ]
The drunkards yesterday were having a good time and wouldn't actually let me serve them drinks. Also, you're the only one who says this is bothering me.
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They've already started having drinks by the time you showed up. A party is also for everyone to enjoy. Maybe serving a bit would be fine, but still. [ So. Like. Yeah... ] Is that so?
No one likes to be around gloomy and depressing people. This is also Heaven.
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You think just because this is heaven everything's light and beautiful? [ also hilarious. ] It takes all kinds. And maybe I know how to deal with that a little better than our eternal optimists. So what, you consider yourself gloomy and depressing? [ like they consider him that too, but damn. ]
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... I am a patron.
[ Not in the "mommy, you're not speaking to me gently" surprised, but in the "if i still had the will to live i'd have your head on a pike" surprised. ]
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Right, right. Should I have been more polite about it? [ they will not, this is still their bar. ] In the nature of doing good business, we can avoid that line of conversation if you really want.
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This is so funny... ]
It wouldn't leave the best impression, I'm sure. I wouldn't know how to look at you the next time I come... Or I'd just never return.
[ his pride is fragile ]
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And that would truly be a tragedy. Trust me, you wouldn't be any worse off than half the people who come by. I can at least trust you not to use "he started it" as an excuse for your behavior.
[ yeah they're still on about this. ]
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For a moment, he's hesitant. ]
... I worry I might lose myself again if I begin, when I'm doing so well pretending to be the man I used to be.
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it's fine, gabriel is going to sip his lil drinkie as he waits for jacopo to continue. ]
... I have a few questions. Can I ask?
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He takes a sip from his drink and weakly gestures with a hand that they can. ]
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I'll forget to be... Someone.
[ Not even himself, just being a semblance of a person. Maybe he'd amount to just his negative emotions and the shape of thoughts, like what souls are probably meant to be like when stripped. ]
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What does it mean to be someone? A person's perspective and shaped into what counts as something "normal"?
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Just not being a black hole. A bottomless void.
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To avoid emptiness, you need a shape. A container, I guess, for all the things you're trying not to spill over. And in order to have a shape, you have to design it after an idea.
So. What kind of person do you want people to think you are?
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"Jacopo" is everything he isn't. ]
I thought to start with being like my older self. [ It's vague enough. Not outright. ] He at least knew how to care for others.
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Four years.
[ Which may be not that many years, but they were grueling and stressful. ]
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Emulating it, but not quite authentic. [ this sounds like an incredibly normal thing to say. ] Are they destroyed because you don't know how to respond to things right?
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Perhaps... Maybe I don't know how to do anything right anymore. I'm dead because of the choices I've made, after all.
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Is it poor taste to ask how you actually died?
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[ But... It's still his, isn't it. He isn't sure if he's resistant other times because it's to keep his ruse—people who have self-worth would care about their secrets—or if he genuinely cares what people think of him still. Is it a mix of both?
Why does it matter? He should be suffering. ]
The people learned of my crimes and rightfully revolted.
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