The previous church she worked at was being run to the ground because she was too giving. "Saintess" isn't a title you give to anyone, but it also has a price. Their resources, their money, it was all running low where the clergy and staff went some days without food.
With my model, she got to help the needy and the sick to her heart's content and the new church will always have money to stay afloat.
[ He takes a sip of his drink. ]
It is just an immediate example, but there will always be something to gain.
[ there's a nod to say that yeah, they could agree with that. ]
Depends. Do you think wearing gloves gives you a better grip when the blood's underneath? [ following the metaphor. ] Kinda feels like the thing to do would be to try and wash your hands clean.
[ it comes back to atonement rather than just covering up. ]
Wearing gloves let me survive the world of nobility. They all play the same game. [ ... ] I don't think the blood will wash away. Not when I don't feel anything for all the people I've sent to death.
[ Instead, there's a dull ache because when you kill, you also lose a piece of yourself. Still, it's dull and he's used to it. What's strong is the self-loathing that he's like this. ]
And if I ever do... Change. I'm still capable of committing the same atrocities again.
Have you ever felt anything about it at all? Or has it always been the sense of numb acceptance and apathy because it's how the game is played?
[ there's a difference between not feeling anything now and never feeling it at all. ]
Being capable of the same things doesn't mean you'll do them again. It's about learning alternative solutions. Maybe there's another answer to stay ahead.
And then something happened that probably changed your entire outlook, and you found yourself on a slippery slope you weren't able to reverse on your own, because your hands was already tied.
[ a guess, maybe. but gabriel shrugs again. ]
Having the opportunity to stop doesn't mean you're in the right position to do it at the time. Circumstances matter. The people you're around matter. I had plenty of chances to stop some of the things I'd done, too, and didn't really feel like I was making a change until about the time I found myself here. And now here you are with a second chance anyway.
... It's strange. [ There's a weak smile, confused. ] I've never had anyone who tried to understand, or even sympathize.
[ That he was in a tough position and that all that had happened? He didn't mean it to, he wasn't expecting.
In the end, this doesn't mean that he has changed his mind about his lot in the grand scheme of redemption and damnation. Just that... This is a strange moment to have and he doesn't know what to do. Already, he thinks he doesn't deserve it. ]
... does it make you uncomfortable? [ they're not going to stop questioning it and talking through it, but they are kind of getting a gauge on how jacopo thinks. ] I think sometimes it's probably hard to know what you think about things you aren't used to.
[ Because he has forgotten what it's like... Honestly, he has forgotten what it's like to interact with people without parading a mask, which is funny because he's putting one on still while he's here.
He knows he should accept it graciously, with gratitude. It's still just a shape to him. ]
[ it's just you and me in this bar, bucko. and gabriel doesn't seem to mind if jacopo doesn't know what to do with it, that he doesn't know how to accept it or what to say. they can at least acknowledge it is likely this isn't even the whole story, because when you are so deeply entrenched in your own misery and the things that have fallen upon you it's hard to even begin to undo the damage. ]
I'm not gonna force you to receive it. [ first of all. ] But... there's nothing you can say to me that's going to make me take that back either, pretty sure. And it's not going to change what I say going forward either.
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... They were using me for their own gain as well. It was transactional, whether they understood that or not.
[ Which is true. ]
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How so? What were they hoping to gain from you?
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With my model, she got to help the needy and the sick to her heart's content and the new church will always have money to stay afloat.
[ He takes a sip of his drink. ]
It is just an immediate example, but there will always be something to gain.
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The question then becomes what is the truth. Under all that, under everything you constructed around you, what's the bottom line?
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[ That is what he think is what it is. ]
Can hands stained crimson red be able to hold anything precious?
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Depends. Do you think wearing gloves gives you a better grip when the blood's underneath? [ following the metaphor. ] Kinda feels like the thing to do would be to try and wash your hands clean.
[ it comes back to atonement rather than just covering up. ]
Not that it's easy. Or even doable all the time.
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[ Instead, there's a dull ache because when you kill, you also lose a piece of yourself. Still, it's dull and he's used to it. What's strong is the self-loathing that he's like this. ]
And if I ever do... Change. I'm still capable of committing the same atrocities again.
[ It actually comes to him too easily. ]
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[ there's a difference between not feeling anything now and never feeling it at all. ]
Being capable of the same things doesn't mean you'll do them again. It's about learning alternative solutions. Maybe there's another answer to stay ahead.
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[ Now that isn't the case, obviously. However, yeah, he wasn't always like this. He used to be a regular person.
His expression does become complicated. Maybe there was a tinge of hope. ]
... How do you know that? [ Says the man who doesn't have the confidence or the faith in himself to not bite again. ] I had every opportunity to stop.
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[ a guess, maybe. but gabriel shrugs again. ]
Having the opportunity to stop doesn't mean you're in the right position to do it at the time. Circumstances matter. The people you're around matter. I had plenty of chances to stop some of the things I'd done, too, and didn't really feel like I was making a change until about the time I found myself here. And now here you are with a second chance anyway.
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[ That he was in a tough position and that all that had happened? He didn't mean it to, he wasn't expecting.
In the end, this doesn't mean that he has changed his mind about his lot in the grand scheme of redemption and damnation. Just that... This is a strange moment to have and he doesn't know what to do. Already, he thinks he doesn't deserve it. ]
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... does it make you uncomfortable? [ they're not going to stop questioning it and talking through it, but they are kind of getting a gauge on how jacopo thinks. ] I think sometimes it's probably hard to know what you think about things you aren't used to.
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It does.
[ Because he has forgotten what it's like... Honestly, he has forgotten what it's like to interact with people without parading a mask, which is funny because he's putting one on still while he's here.
He knows he should accept it graciously, with gratitude. It's still just a shape to him. ]
I don't know how to receive it.
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I'm not gonna force you to receive it. [ first of all. ] But... there's nothing you can say to me that's going to make me take that back either, pretty sure. And it's not going to change what I say going forward either.
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It won't be my fault when you find yourself with regrets.
[ Down his whole drink. ]
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[ so they will remain here as a confidant so long as they can. ]
Refill, or are you cutting yourself off early?
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[ WHY ARE YOU BEING OMINOUS towards kindness. Anyway. ]
This won't be enough, so no.
[ we can wrap up, though. ]