To avoid emptiness, you need a shape. A container, I guess, for all the things you're trying not to spill over. And in order to have a shape, you have to design it after an idea.
So. What kind of person do you want people to think you are?
[ ... It's complicated because admitting that he actually wants to be his old self is throwing away everything he has worked for. All the suffering, the loneliness, would be for naught. However, he knows "Jacopo" is a better man, even though powerless.
"Jacopo" is everything he isn't. ]
I thought to start with being like my older self. [ It's vague enough. Not outright. ] He at least knew how to care for others.
And you don't think the current you can care for other people? [ just picking at these threads a bit. ] How long has it been since you were your older self?
... I don't feel a thing. I can make the shape of it, but it isn't the same. [ And he knows that's wrong. It's a predicament. ] Even if I did, I destroy everything I hold dear.
Four years.
[ Which may be not that many years, but they were grueling and stressful. ]
Emulating it, but not quite authentic. [ this sounds like an incredibly normal thing to say. ] Are they destroyed because you don't know how to respond to things right?
Normally, yes, even if a dead man's business is barely worth anything.
[ But... It's still his, isn't it. He isn't sure if he's resistant other times because it's to keep his ruse—people who have self-worth would care about their secrets—or if he genuinely cares what people think of him still. Is it a mix of both?
Why does it matter? He should be suffering. ]
The people learned of my crimes and rightfully revolted.
Right. I was lord of the land, so they would be my people.
[ But there doesn't feel like there's a lot of ownership or possessiveness to it, despite the title and what it means. It simple just is what it is. ]
The peasantry were already dissatisfied with my rule and I'm sure other nobility hoped I slipped. Animosity had been built up, though temporarily placated by my scheme to involve faith to tide them over. Tithe for a holy cure-all from a church in the slums, from a beautiful and caring Saintess.
[ Nonchalantly waves his hand because it should be obvious from there. ]
It all came cascading down when they found out the truth.
Man, why is it always the church. [ this is also muttered because damn so many of you have weird issues with the church. ]
And the truth was that there was no cure-all? No Saintess to believe in, a cover for the rules in the background. Being nobility sounds like a pain in the ass.
[ Jacopo actually is non-religious and has less issues with the church.... but unfortunately his canon is very church. Feels Middle Ages in France. ]
The Saintess—the nun was a good person. She didn't know anything about the plan and only wanted to do good, but I'm sure people would have blamed her after.
[ Oops... Doesn't apologize for misleading her, but he might as well clear her. She is innocent. ]
She didn't bat an eyelash when I said I wanted to build a church for everyone and she could work there with no strings attached.
... She should have known better.
[ OR MAYBE he shouldn't have concocted this scheme to up his popularity with the poor to keep them controlled. ]
Should have. [ interesting choice of words here. ] Did you ever give these people the impression they should realize you were manipulating them for your own gain?
[ they will call him on this, but they don't sound judgmental about it. just stating facts. ]
The previous church she worked at was being run to the ground because she was too giving. "Saintess" isn't a title you give to anyone, but it also has a price. Their resources, their money, it was all running low where the clergy and staff went some days without food.
With my model, she got to help the needy and the sick to her heart's content and the new church will always have money to stay afloat.
[ He takes a sip of his drink. ]
It is just an immediate example, but there will always be something to gain.
[ there's a nod to say that yeah, they could agree with that. ]
Depends. Do you think wearing gloves gives you a better grip when the blood's underneath? [ following the metaphor. ] Kinda feels like the thing to do would be to try and wash your hands clean.
[ it comes back to atonement rather than just covering up. ]
Wearing gloves let me survive the world of nobility. They all play the same game. [ ... ] I don't think the blood will wash away. Not when I don't feel anything for all the people I've sent to death.
[ Instead, there's a dull ache because when you kill, you also lose a piece of yourself. Still, it's dull and he's used to it. What's strong is the self-loathing that he's like this. ]
And if I ever do... Change. I'm still capable of committing the same atrocities again.
Have you ever felt anything about it at all? Or has it always been the sense of numb acceptance and apathy because it's how the game is played?
[ there's a difference between not feeling anything now and never feeling it at all. ]
Being capable of the same things doesn't mean you'll do them again. It's about learning alternative solutions. Maybe there's another answer to stay ahead.
And then something happened that probably changed your entire outlook, and you found yourself on a slippery slope you weren't able to reverse on your own, because your hands was already tied.
[ a guess, maybe. but gabriel shrugs again. ]
Having the opportunity to stop doesn't mean you're in the right position to do it at the time. Circumstances matter. The people you're around matter. I had plenty of chances to stop some of the things I'd done, too, and didn't really feel like I was making a change until about the time I found myself here. And now here you are with a second chance anyway.
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What does it mean to be someone? A person's perspective and shaped into what counts as something "normal"?
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Just not being a black hole. A bottomless void.
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To avoid emptiness, you need a shape. A container, I guess, for all the things you're trying not to spill over. And in order to have a shape, you have to design it after an idea.
So. What kind of person do you want people to think you are?
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"Jacopo" is everything he isn't. ]
I thought to start with being like my older self. [ It's vague enough. Not outright. ] He at least knew how to care for others.
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Four years.
[ Which may be not that many years, but they were grueling and stressful. ]
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Emulating it, but not quite authentic. [ this sounds like an incredibly normal thing to say. ] Are they destroyed because you don't know how to respond to things right?
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Perhaps... Maybe I don't know how to do anything right anymore. I'm dead because of the choices I've made, after all.
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Is it poor taste to ask how you actually died?
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[ But... It's still his, isn't it. He isn't sure if he's resistant other times because it's to keep his ruse—people who have self-worth would care about their secrets—or if he genuinely cares what people think of him still. Is it a mix of both?
Why does it matter? He should be suffering. ]
The people learned of my crimes and rightfully revolted.
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[ but they do not seem particularly apologetic for it, instead listening to this and immediately thinking it over. so that's it, huh. ]
The people... what people? What would've caused a revolution? [ they do not have his lordship lore, they know not of this man. ]
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[ But there doesn't feel like there's a lot of ownership or possessiveness to it, despite the title and what it means. It simple just is what it is. ]
The peasantry were already dissatisfied with my rule and I'm sure other nobility hoped I slipped. Animosity had been built up, though temporarily placated by my scheme to involve faith to tide them over. Tithe for a holy cure-all from a church in the slums, from a beautiful and caring Saintess.
[ Nonchalantly waves his hand because it should be obvious from there. ]
It all came cascading down when they found out the truth.
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And the truth was that there was no cure-all? No Saintess to believe in, a cover for the rules in the background. Being nobility sounds like a pain in the ass.
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The Saintess—the nun was a good person. She didn't know anything about the plan and only wanted to do good, but I'm sure people would have blamed her after.
[ Oops... Doesn't apologize for misleading her, but he might as well clear her. She is innocent. ]
She didn't bat an eyelash when I said I wanted to build a church for everyone and she could work there with no strings attached.
... She should have known better.
[ OR MAYBE he shouldn't have concocted this scheme to up his popularity with the poor to keep them controlled. ]
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[ they will call him on this, but they don't sound judgmental about it. just stating facts. ]
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... They were using me for their own gain as well. It was transactional, whether they understood that or not.
[ Which is true. ]
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How so? What were they hoping to gain from you?
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With my model, she got to help the needy and the sick to her heart's content and the new church will always have money to stay afloat.
[ He takes a sip of his drink. ]
It is just an immediate example, but there will always be something to gain.
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The question then becomes what is the truth. Under all that, under everything you constructed around you, what's the bottom line?
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[ That is what he think is what it is. ]
Can hands stained crimson red be able to hold anything precious?
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Depends. Do you think wearing gloves gives you a better grip when the blood's underneath? [ following the metaphor. ] Kinda feels like the thing to do would be to try and wash your hands clean.
[ it comes back to atonement rather than just covering up. ]
Not that it's easy. Or even doable all the time.
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[ Instead, there's a dull ache because when you kill, you also lose a piece of yourself. Still, it's dull and he's used to it. What's strong is the self-loathing that he's like this. ]
And if I ever do... Change. I'm still capable of committing the same atrocities again.
[ It actually comes to him too easily. ]
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[ there's a difference between not feeling anything now and never feeling it at all. ]
Being capable of the same things doesn't mean you'll do them again. It's about learning alternative solutions. Maybe there's another answer to stay ahead.
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[ Now that isn't the case, obviously. However, yeah, he wasn't always like this. He used to be a regular person.
His expression does become complicated. Maybe there was a tinge of hope. ]
... How do you know that? [ Says the man who doesn't have the confidence or the faith in himself to not bite again. ] I had every opportunity to stop.
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[ a guess, maybe. but gabriel shrugs again. ]
Having the opportunity to stop doesn't mean you're in the right position to do it at the time. Circumstances matter. The people you're around matter. I had plenty of chances to stop some of the things I'd done, too, and didn't really feel like I was making a change until about the time I found myself here. And now here you are with a second chance anyway.
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