It is more of a "you can't break up with me, I break up with you" situation, but yes. [a smile.]
That's what it is, though I didn't want to jinx it by saying so. She's always had this hold over me. Even when I wanted to leave her behind, I couldn't commit because there was a part of me that knew I'd always belong to her; I'd only be consigning myself to a life of pursual and torment from her, not freedom. But maybe I was wrong. I don't feel her presence, I don't feel a single twinge from that old injury. I just feel that she's actually let me go.
...So you felt like she still had a hold on you all this time, no matter what you did?
[ does not assume this is a magic thing despite proof of it multiple times, just goes ah i see ... it was a mental block from an abusive relationship and now she's fine ... ]
She could still send people after me, but that I have greater confidence in being able to handle.
[a smile.]
But yes, it's a wonderful feeling. I had no idea how weighed down I felt, how much I felt she had left her mark on every part of me. And I know, even if I can't remember them, that's I've done awful things before in her name. I never expected I'd get to feel free of that, either.
[ teasing but sincere, though at the latter part she's a little more hesitant ]
That's a good feeling. I hope you hang onto it. It might not always be there--especially if you ever get those memories back--but learning to let go of past mistakes is part of healing. It's not always linear.
I've been afraid that... if I tried to examine what I've forgotten too much, I wouldn't be able to bear what I've learned. But I want to try. I think...
I think I haven't wanted to acknowledge that I know I was taken from parents who may have wanted me, because I'm worried they're dead and it doesn't matter now.
I think that's normal. At some point, it's true that ignorance is bliss. That's why people like not knowing things that would cause them pain. And in your case, it's not like you forgot on purpose, so not wanting to acknowledge something so unfair... that's human.
But--you deserve to know what was was done to you, what was taken from you. Especially if it could have been a happier life. I'm not going to pretend it won't hurt as well, though.
...Well, no. But I had the promise that if I followed her instructions, I would have her.
And there was a world where it was true. Where I did as I was told, and she rewarded me the way she promised, made me her champion, took away all of the pain.
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You're dropping her? Officially?
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That's what it is, though I didn't want to jinx it by saying so. She's always had this hold over me. Even when I wanted to leave her behind, I couldn't commit because there was a part of me that knew I'd always belong to her; I'd only be consigning myself to a life of pursual and torment from her, not freedom. But maybe I was wrong. I don't feel her presence, I don't feel a single twinge from that old injury. I just feel that she's actually let me go.
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[ does not assume this is a magic thing despite proof of it multiple times, just goes ah i see ... it was a mental block from an abusive relationship and now she's fine ... ]
But that's gone now.
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And that is gone now.
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[a smile.]
But yes, it's a wonderful feeling. I had no idea how weighed down I felt, how much I felt she had left her mark on every part of me. And I know, even if I can't remember them, that's I've done awful things before in her name. I never expected I'd get to feel free of that, either.
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[ teasing but sincere, though at the latter part she's a little more hesitant ]
That's a good feeling. I hope you hang onto it. It might not always be there--especially if you ever get those memories back--but learning to let go of past mistakes is part of healing. It's not always linear.
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I've been afraid that... if I tried to examine what I've forgotten too much, I wouldn't be able to bear what I've learned. But I want to try. I think...
I think I haven't wanted to acknowledge that I know I was taken from parents who may have wanted me, because I'm worried they're dead and it doesn't matter now.
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But--you deserve to know what was was done to you, what was taken from you. Especially if it could have been a happier life. I'm not going to pretend it won't hurt as well, though.
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[it would be a lot easier to just give up on finding some other part of herself that she wants to think is buried there.]
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And there was a world where it was true. Where I did as I was told, and she rewarded me the way she promised, made me her champion, took away all of the pain.