... is there no way that maybe that was misinterpreted somehow? Or a way that maybe Adolphe doesn't die for that purpose? Who exactly is Ceres anyway? You... mentioned her name before, but not really who she is.
... okay, context matters. [ gently chiding but also damn, okay. ] Do you love her? Not in your usual "I love everyone and want to be loved way", I mean actually love her.
I remember loving her differently... but that's not me. The me that's here right now is really happy that she found love with Scien, and would never do anything to infringe on that.
She's still my precious friend... but I'm not in love with her.
Well that's a start. [ she's glad he's able to identify that, but she's still thinking about it. ] But it's also because Scien was important to you.
[ back to her original point. ]
I think... just because they worked out that way in Adolphe's version of events, that doesn't mean there isn't a version where you can have both. Friends, and someone who loves you that you can love just as much. [ she says this, but... ] I would have chosen the same, you know. If I had to pick? Happiness with my friends versus being loved, of course it would be choosing people I know who love me even if it isn't the exact same as being in love.
[ yves nods. scien is also important to him, unfortunately.
but. ]
... yeah. I think that makes sense. Maybe one day I can receive that kind of love but... [ a pause, like he's trying to organize his thoughts ] It's a little...
I don't know how to feel, thinking about how the only person who I know could love me is... out of reach.
[ because he doesn't want to pursue her... even though he cradles that feeling of experiencing a blinding level of love so closely ]
[ as i said to aki, her view of scien is going to be so skewed by the end of this.
but she looks at him, pondering over his words before deciding maybe... telling him something may help sort his thoughts more. ]
...I never fully explained my curse to you, did I? [ she knows she did not because i refused to do that w0 because it had felt awkward to dump on a stranger at the time, but it feels apt, now. ]
[ well. she's just shifting a little to get a better look at him because she thinks it's important. ]
I was always told that if I ever kissed my true love, he would die. So I decided I wouldn't fall in love, because it was easier not to think about what I couldn't have anyway.
[ ah... he'll mirror her movement, making it easier for them to see each other—and she can probably see the moment in which his heart breaks for her a bit. ]
... because you wouldn't want to hurt someone you're meant to adore so much.
[ he's always known her to be so kind, after all ]
... I'm sorry. Even if it's chosen... that doesn't mean the ache goes away.
Right. Knowing that they would lose their life because of me... it was easier to avoid it at all costs anyway. I used to think it wasn't fair. And I thought maybe it wasn't real. But my mom's readings are always accurate. Everyone in the family came to the same conclusion reading after reading. It became a well-known fact in our house.
[ but... ]
... his name's Gansey. [ to start, slowly. ] Richard Campbell Gansey III, if you can believe that, and you can imagine why he only goes by Gansey. I didn't know it at the time, but I saw his spirit on the corpse road a little over a year ago.
[ there's a soft little huff at the explanation of gansey over the full name but. ]
The corpse road...?
[ he'll just reach out then, looping his arms around her middle to bring her in closer for a hug. not so much that they can't see each other but... like that'll soften the blow of such difficult news ]
That's what people call it. It's the ley line that runs through town, it's a pathway where spiritual energy and magic are most strong. [ she will settle there, actually, because she's telling him all of this to prove a point but it's also a Story. ]
Every year there's one night my mom and I go out to a church that's on the ley line, because she can see the spirits that walk through on that road on that evening. If they appear, they're going to die within the year. So she asks for their names, and I write them down, and if they're clients or people we know we tell them so they have time to prepare. I can't usually see them though. Last year was the first year I went with someone else other than my mother. And last year was the first year I ever saw anyone at all. When Gansey appeared, I thought... it didn't make sense, but I could see him clearly. Rain-spattered. In his stupid Aglionby sweater. And when I told everyone what I saw, it was determined that either I was his true love, or I killed him.
I hadn't met him yet. I didn't know what to think, but it didn't feel real.
[ oh it is a story. yves listens thoughtfully, so unfamiliar with anything like spirits or leylines. but he'll keep zuriel tucked against him, one of his hands coming up to run through her hair as she speaks... ]
... that would give anyone a surprise. Even something to be afraid of.
[ she will at least try to make this more brief and not even go into all the bullshit about welsh kings and the search for a wish and all of the other bullshit from last year, it's fine. ]
Hm... a few days later? [ and she makes a face. ] On his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—[ oh. there's a pause and she looks so confused for a few seconds. ]—two of his friends. All three of them attended a private school not far from the restaurant I worked at, and all of the boys in that school are the most self-centered, spoiled, arrogant people you'll ever meet. Sons of businessmen and politicians in the making. Anyway, he decided it was appropriate to approach me and try to buy my time because his friend was interested.
Infuriating, actually. [ and she does actually sound a little annoyed? this man is a fucking idiot sometimes, and yet. ] ... but he had called my house earlier to schedule a reading with my mother for the next day. And eventually it became clear that somehow I was a part of his fate. Even we didn't know how at the time.
[ she is skipping details that don't matter, but... most importantly is this. ]
... you can't stop fate. Sort of like you can't stop yourself from falling in love, even if it goes against every principle you have, even if you loathe the person upon meeting them. If it's meant to be, it will happen. And... it did, for us. Little by little, slowly, knowing what would happen if we got closer. And it was unbearable in so many ways knowing it was there and I couldn't have it. But I still had him. That had to be enough.
[ there's a long pause. ]
... we needed to. [ ... ] He asked me to. Kiss him, that is. He asked me to do it, because we were running out of time, and we needed to make a sacrifice to purge the ley line. It was raining. And it happened just as it was always said it would.
[ yves listens along, thoughtfully. it's so much to hold onto, and he supposes it's true. you never know what fate has in store for you, even if it's painful. the more that he learns about his connections to the lycoris flowers, to ceres, the more that he thinks it might be fate.
but because he loves his friends so dearly, he decides it's fate reserved for a different version of him. if that's how it works.
instead, zuriel is the one in front of him. sad, upset, mourning. he holds her close in this hug, and runs his fingers through her hair even as he squeezes her that much closer as she finishes telling her story. her experience. her tragedy, really. ]
... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that fate was something so cruel, even if it brought you something so sweet. I wish it didn't have to be that way.
Even if... I am glad, nonetheless, that you know you are a person meant to be loved.
[ it is a tragedy, but in a different way then he might think, because she stays there for a moment and the longer he does that the more she finds herself unable to ignore a glaring fact that she's tried to run from since she first met yves.
she's quiet, but soon she continues again. ]
It was... important. He sacrificed himself for something important, but we weren't ready to let him go. So... we made a separate sacrifice. [ a pause. ] There's a place we all knew, once. Cabeswater. It appeared to us as a forest at the heart of the ley line, and it was beautiful and magical and in danger. It's why Gansey sacrificed himself. So we asked the forest to sacrifice itself in turn for him to come back.
He did, but... [ she's mentioned this to a few people, but never with the kind of clarity she has with his fingers in her hair. ] I think we lost something else. And I'm scared I won't remember what it is.
[ "on his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—two of his friends." ]
To lose him was to gain something, but to gain him was to lose something else. We never really got to choose for ourselves. [ and that was her point. this was the point initially, that she understood why yves would choose to stay with his friends and their happiness even if he had to give up on love. because sometimes fate has a funny way of fucking you up and keeping you from having everything you could love and the things that love you. ]
[ ah... everything settles in then, the understanding of what it must mean to know just on the edges of your memory what you might not have. and yet so unable to grasp it, never fully aware of what it is that is missing. yves is silent for a moment, thoughtful, but he doesn't stop running his fingers through zuriel's hair. ]
... I hope you find whatever it is that you lost. [ softly, even though all this has been is a change of sacrifices. bartering what you could lose. ] Maybe that's unreasonable and greedy of me to say... but I think that is still a type of love.
To struggle to let go.
[ he's seen it in scien, and he's seen it in himself. maybe it's not something he should encourage, and yet...
it aches to think of ever suggesting otherwise. ]
But I also believe... that some people are just meant to be together. Even if it takes some bargaining with fate.
[ the fact that he keeps playing with her hair is actually what is fucking her up, because that is distinctly a thing this missing memory used to do to her all the time and she has no idea what to do with that.
but she doesn't tell him to knock it off either. ]
... no, I don't think I disagree. You wouldn't struggle if you didn't care deeply for the thing you're letting go, would you? It's why people mourn the dead. It's hard to let go of the things you've held for so long. [ it's why none of them had wanted to let gansey go either, and why they asked cabeswater to sacrifice itself to bring him back. ]
I do still think there's a time and fate somewhere where you can get everything you want. It just may take the right circumstances. [ that was it. that was the point of her story, because even if she's lacking something that was once important, she has her boyfriend and she has her friends and they're making it work. she had even been content until she came here and got hit with deja vu and realized something was missing. ]
I think I want that for you more than you think. [ because she's seen what he's suffered through and she still thinks it isn't fair in the slightest. he deserves to feel loved and be with people who love him, and even she realizes it might not happen the way it should in his own time.
but what's the solution then...? ]
It would be so much simpler if we could make our own endings.
We'll see. [ she has a bit of happiness for herself, so that is a lower priority than finding it for yves. which is why she continues this and mulls over his options. ]
... I wonder if there's a way God could send you to a different version of your life if you asked.
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The one where Ceres fell in love with me instead of Scien. [ a beat ] But... if that's true then... that's the timeline where Adolphe died for me.
So I guess I was thinking about it... and I don't think I'd choose love for myself if it means Adolphe has to die for it.
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But the way I know her... She's Scien's lover. [ . . . ] And I'd really rather not get involved in that.
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... okay, context matters. [ gently chiding but also damn, okay. ] Do you love her? Not in your usual "I love everyone and want to be loved way", I mean actually love her.
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[ tilts head ]
I remember loving her differently... but that's not me. The me that's here right now is really happy that she found love with Scien, and would never do anything to infringe on that.
She's still my precious friend... but I'm not in love with her.
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[ back to her original point. ]
I think... just because they worked out that way in Adolphe's version of events, that doesn't mean there isn't a version where you can have both. Friends, and someone who loves you that you can love just as much. [ she says this, but... ] I would have chosen the same, you know. If I had to pick? Happiness with my friends versus being loved, of course it would be choosing people I know who love me even if it isn't the exact same as being in love.
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but. ]
... yeah. I think that makes sense. Maybe one day I can receive that kind of love but... [ a pause, like he's trying to organize his thoughts ] It's a little...
I don't know how to feel, thinking about how the only person who I know could love me is... out of reach.
[ because he doesn't want to pursue her... even though he cradles that feeling of experiencing a blinding level of love so closely ]
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but she looks at him, pondering over his words before deciding maybe... telling him something may help sort his thoughts more. ]
...I never fully explained my curse to you, did I? [ she knows she did not because
i refused to do that w0because it had felt awkward to dump on a stranger at the time, but it feels apt, now. ]no subject
but yves just shakes his head... he doesn't give a verbal response because he'd rather not do anything to imply obligation or prying.
it's entirely up to her ]
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I was always told that if I ever kissed my true love, he would die. So I decided I wouldn't fall in love, because it was easier not to think about what I couldn't have anyway.
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... because you wouldn't want to hurt someone you're meant to adore so much.
[ he's always known her to be so kind, after all ]
... I'm sorry. Even if it's chosen... that doesn't mean the ache goes away.
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[ but... ]
... his name's Gansey. [ to start, slowly. ] Richard Campbell Gansey III, if you can believe that, and you can imagine why he only goes by Gansey. I didn't know it at the time, but I saw his spirit on the corpse road a little over a year ago.
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The corpse road...?
[ he'll just reach out then, looping his arms around her middle to bring her in closer for a hug. not so much that they can't see each other but... like that'll soften the blow of such difficult news ]
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Every year there's one night my mom and I go out to a church that's on the ley line, because she can see the spirits that walk through on that road on that evening. If they appear, they're going to die within the year. So she asks for their names, and I write them down, and if they're clients or people we know we tell them so they have time to prepare. I can't usually see them though. Last year was the first year I went with someone else other than my mother. And last year was the first year I ever saw anyone at all. When Gansey appeared, I thought... it didn't make sense, but I could see him clearly. Rain-spattered. In his stupid Aglionby sweater. And when I told everyone what I saw, it was determined that either I was his true love, or I killed him.
I hadn't met him yet. I didn't know what to think, but it didn't feel real.
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... that would give anyone a surprise. Even something to be afraid of.
When... did you meet him?
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Hm... a few days later? [ and she makes a face. ] On his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—[ oh. there's a pause and she looks so confused for a few seconds. ]—two of his friends. All three of them attended a private school not far from the restaurant I worked at, and all of the boys in that school are the most self-centered, spoiled, arrogant people you'll ever meet. Sons of businessmen and politicians in the making. Anyway, he decided it was appropriate to approach me and try to buy my time because his friend was interested.
Infuriating, actually. [ and she does actually sound a little annoyed? this man is a fucking idiot sometimes, and yet. ] ... but he had called my house earlier to schedule a reading with my mother for the next day. And eventually it became clear that somehow I was a part of his fate. Even we didn't know how at the time.
[ she is skipping details that don't matter, but... most importantly is this. ]
... you can't stop fate. Sort of like you can't stop yourself from falling in love, even if it goes against every principle you have, even if you loathe the person upon meeting them. If it's meant to be, it will happen. And... it did, for us. Little by little, slowly, knowing what would happen if we got closer. And it was unbearable in so many ways knowing it was there and I couldn't have it. But I still had him. That had to be enough.
[ there's a long pause. ]
... we needed to. [ ... ] He asked me to. Kiss him, that is. He asked me to do it, because we were running out of time, and we needed to make a sacrifice to purge the ley line. It was raining. And it happened just as it was always said it would.
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but because he loves his friends so dearly, he decides it's fate reserved for a different version of him. if that's how it works.
instead, zuriel is the one in front of him. sad, upset, mourning. he holds her close in this hug, and runs his fingers through her hair even as he squeezes her that much closer as she finishes telling her story. her experience. her tragedy, really. ]
... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that fate was something so cruel, even if it brought you something so sweet. I wish it didn't have to be that way.
Even if... I am glad, nonetheless, that you know you are a person meant to be loved.
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she's quiet, but soon she continues again. ]
It was... important. He sacrificed himself for something important, but we weren't ready to let him go. So... we made a separate sacrifice. [ a pause. ] There's a place we all knew, once. Cabeswater. It appeared to us as a forest at the heart of the ley line, and it was beautiful and magical and in danger. It's why Gansey sacrificed himself. So we asked the forest to sacrifice itself in turn for him to come back.
He did, but... [ she's mentioned this to a few people, but never with the kind of clarity she has with his fingers in her hair. ] I think we lost something else. And I'm scared I won't remember what it is.
[ "on his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—two of his friends." ]
To lose him was to gain something, but to gain him was to lose something else. We never really got to choose for ourselves. [ and that was her point. this was the point initially, that she understood why yves would choose to stay with his friends and their happiness even if he had to give up on love. because sometimes fate has a funny way of fucking you up and keeping you from having everything you could love and the things that love you. ]
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... I hope you find whatever it is that you lost. [ softly, even though all this has been is a change of sacrifices. bartering what you could lose. ] Maybe that's unreasonable and greedy of me to say... but I think that is still a type of love.
To struggle to let go.
[ he's seen it in scien, and he's seen it in himself. maybe it's not something he should encourage, and yet...
it aches to think of ever suggesting otherwise. ]
But I also believe... that some people are just meant to be together. Even if it takes some bargaining with fate.
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but she doesn't tell him to knock it off either. ]
... no, I don't think I disagree. You wouldn't struggle if you didn't care deeply for the thing you're letting go, would you? It's why people mourn the dead. It's hard to let go of the things you've held for so long. [ it's why none of them had wanted to let gansey go either, and why they asked cabeswater to sacrifice itself to bring him back. ]
I do still think there's a time and fate somewhere where you can get everything you want. It just may take the right circumstances. [ that was it. that was the point of her story, because even if she's lacking something that was once important, she has her boyfriend and she has her friends and they're making it work. she had even been content until she came here and got hit with deja vu and realized something was missing. ]
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... I wonder if I can still find those circumstances.
[ he's not really sure, and he's incredibly certain they don't exist in the life that he has to go back to, but.
maybe another way ]
I think we both deserve happy endings.
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but what's the solution then...? ]
It would be so much simpler if we could make our own endings.
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[ lightly, but sincerely. he'll nose against her hair briefly in his affection ]
... it would be. But my choices are going back to life... or Heaven, right? Maybe without my scar.
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We'll see. [ she has a bit of happiness for herself, so that is a lower priority than finding it for yves. which is why she continues this and mulls over his options. ]
... I wonder if there's a way God could send you to a different version of your life if you asked.
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... but—
Could I bring the Adolphe I met here? The Monsieur Lucas I know? [ oh greedy ] ... Wouldn't I still have to say goodbye to all of you?
[ and that
does make him ache something horrible ]
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