[ it is a tragedy, but in a different way then he might think, because she stays there for a moment and the longer he does that the more she finds herself unable to ignore a glaring fact that she's tried to run from since she first met yves.
she's quiet, but soon she continues again. ]
It was... important. He sacrificed himself for something important, but we weren't ready to let him go. So... we made a separate sacrifice. [ a pause. ] There's a place we all knew, once. Cabeswater. It appeared to us as a forest at the heart of the ley line, and it was beautiful and magical and in danger. It's why Gansey sacrificed himself. So we asked the forest to sacrifice itself in turn for him to come back.
He did, but... [ she's mentioned this to a few people, but never with the kind of clarity she has with his fingers in her hair. ] I think we lost something else. And I'm scared I won't remember what it is.
[ "on his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—two of his friends." ]
To lose him was to gain something, but to gain him was to lose something else. We never really got to choose for ourselves. [ and that was her point. this was the point initially, that she understood why yves would choose to stay with his friends and their happiness even if he had to give up on love. because sometimes fate has a funny way of fucking you up and keeping you from having everything you could love and the things that love you. ]
[ ah... everything settles in then, the understanding of what it must mean to know just on the edges of your memory what you might not have. and yet so unable to grasp it, never fully aware of what it is that is missing. yves is silent for a moment, thoughtful, but he doesn't stop running his fingers through zuriel's hair. ]
... I hope you find whatever it is that you lost. [ softly, even though all this has been is a change of sacrifices. bartering what you could lose. ] Maybe that's unreasonable and greedy of me to say... but I think that is still a type of love.
To struggle to let go.
[ he's seen it in scien, and he's seen it in himself. maybe it's not something he should encourage, and yet...
it aches to think of ever suggesting otherwise. ]
But I also believe... that some people are just meant to be together. Even if it takes some bargaining with fate.
[ the fact that he keeps playing with her hair is actually what is fucking her up, because that is distinctly a thing this missing memory used to do to her all the time and she has no idea what to do with that.
but she doesn't tell him to knock it off either. ]
... no, I don't think I disagree. You wouldn't struggle if you didn't care deeply for the thing you're letting go, would you? It's why people mourn the dead. It's hard to let go of the things you've held for so long. [ it's why none of them had wanted to let gansey go either, and why they asked cabeswater to sacrifice itself to bring him back. ]
I do still think there's a time and fate somewhere where you can get everything you want. It just may take the right circumstances. [ that was it. that was the point of her story, because even if she's lacking something that was once important, she has her boyfriend and she has her friends and they're making it work. she had even been content until she came here and got hit with deja vu and realized something was missing. ]
I think I want that for you more than you think. [ because she's seen what he's suffered through and she still thinks it isn't fair in the slightest. he deserves to feel loved and be with people who love him, and even she realizes it might not happen the way it should in his own time.
but what's the solution then...? ]
It would be so much simpler if we could make our own endings.
We'll see. [ she has a bit of happiness for herself, so that is a lower priority than finding it for yves. which is why she continues this and mulls over his options. ]
... I wonder if there's a way God could send you to a different version of your life if you asked.
[ this continues to cause psych damage, but she's ignoring it in favor of continuing to do this. ]
Supposedly, God is capable of great miracles. [ she should sound more sure considering she's an angel, but it's fine. ] I think if anyone could find a way, it would be them. But... [ she's not even sure how it'd work, actually. ] I don't suppose there's anything wrong with thinking about what you truly want. Isn't that sort of the point? Working for a redemption to go back to an improved life.
I want to be with my friends. [ and maybe it's because he's spent so long losing them, and then reuniting them, that this is at the forefront of his mind ] I'd... like to be loved, whether that means I have my scar or not.
[ a beat ]
... I think I just want to have hope again, and not have to carry it by myself. And... I'd rather not lose touch with any of you.
Yves, do you ask for so little because it's easier to accept it might not happen than to dream bigger? [ yes, fine, maybe those are big concepts, but to zuriel these all make perfect sense. you want to be with your friends. you want to be loved. you want to keep your new friends close. you want support. these are all very basic human concepts, and she does not think it's a lot to ask when the core of it comes down to "i want to be with people i care about and who care about me." ]
[ a little stunned, like he never thought about it like that ]
I guess I just never had everything I wanted all at the same time... Even when things were good, I knew I could only live 23 years or choose to never feel love again...
[ so much about basic life felt so far out of reach, and he only got more insane about his emotional processing and his needs after the fire ]
[ well that makes two of them, so she can't even scold him for thinking that way. ]
... there's a lot I wanted back home, too, that I knew I'd never get. [ she laughs a little, like she thinks this is stupid to think about in comparison to yves' everything. ] When my school's guidance counselor told me I wouldn't be able to even consider applying to the college I wanted to, I think I nearly cried because I'd deluded myself into thinking the impossible things I wanted were possible. There are some things you never have, and you know you'll never have, and you just accept them. Like a cell phone. Or money. Or a father. Or true love. You accept what you can get, because it's what's available and it's easier not to dwell on what you can't have because when you think about it, it consumes you.
And now being here and being told you might be able to have those things feels just as impossible because you've never had it before. [ she tilts her head to look at him a little. ] Something like that?
[ yves is quiet listening to her, his fingers still gently work through her hair in a way that i oocly find hilarious now. ]
... yeah. A lot like that.
[ with a little sigh ]
I was content as a child, but... I already knew that we weren't like people born outside of our country. But I still tried to love it. And it was still hard sometimes, when the flowers my grandfather loved were hated so deeply by others.
Then when I lost everything... it felt like some things were never possible. So to be here, where everyone is so kind and they treat my scar like it's nothing... I don't know.
I want to hope that it'll be alright. But.. what if it isn't?
You want to tell everyone how they're wrong for thinking poorly of the things you do love, but all you can really do is keep loving them the way you want to yourself.
[ she's shifting to lean against him a little more because this is still stuff she hates to hear from him. ]
... it feels complicated when you're used to being treated a way, and then everyone here is the opposite of that. And you can't take everyone with you, so you're wondering how it'll be if you do go back to that old life. I think... [ what does she think? ] What does "not alright" feel like now?
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no subject
she's quiet, but soon she continues again. ]
It was... important. He sacrificed himself for something important, but we weren't ready to let him go. So... we made a separate sacrifice. [ a pause. ] There's a place we all knew, once. Cabeswater. It appeared to us as a forest at the heart of the ley line, and it was beautiful and magical and in danger. It's why Gansey sacrificed himself. So we asked the forest to sacrifice itself in turn for him to come back.
He did, but... [ she's mentioned this to a few people, but never with the kind of clarity she has with his fingers in her hair. ] I think we lost something else. And I'm scared I won't remember what it is.
[ "on his cell phone, completely out of touch and multitasking as he came in with three—two of his friends." ]
To lose him was to gain something, but to gain him was to lose something else. We never really got to choose for ourselves. [ and that was her point. this was the point initially, that she understood why yves would choose to stay with his friends and their happiness even if he had to give up on love. because sometimes fate has a funny way of fucking you up and keeping you from having everything you could love and the things that love you. ]
no subject
... I hope you find whatever it is that you lost. [ softly, even though all this has been is a change of sacrifices. bartering what you could lose. ] Maybe that's unreasonable and greedy of me to say... but I think that is still a type of love.
To struggle to let go.
[ he's seen it in scien, and he's seen it in himself. maybe it's not something he should encourage, and yet...
it aches to think of ever suggesting otherwise. ]
But I also believe... that some people are just meant to be together. Even if it takes some bargaining with fate.
no subject
but she doesn't tell him to knock it off either. ]
... no, I don't think I disagree. You wouldn't struggle if you didn't care deeply for the thing you're letting go, would you? It's why people mourn the dead. It's hard to let go of the things you've held for so long. [ it's why none of them had wanted to let gansey go either, and why they asked cabeswater to sacrifice itself to bring him back. ]
I do still think there's a time and fate somewhere where you can get everything you want. It just may take the right circumstances. [ that was it. that was the point of her story, because even if she's lacking something that was once important, she has her boyfriend and she has her friends and they're making it work. she had even been content until she came here and got hit with deja vu and realized something was missing. ]
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... I wonder if I can still find those circumstances.
[ he's not really sure, and he's incredibly certain they don't exist in the life that he has to go back to, but.
maybe another way ]
I think we both deserve happy endings.
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but what's the solution then...? ]
It would be so much simpler if we could make our own endings.
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[ lightly, but sincerely. he'll nose against her hair briefly in his affection ]
... it would be. But my choices are going back to life... or Heaven, right? Maybe without my scar.
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We'll see. [ she has a bit of happiness for herself, so that is a lower priority than finding it for yves. which is why she continues this and mulls over his options. ]
... I wonder if there's a way God could send you to a different version of your life if you asked.
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... but—
Could I bring the Adolphe I met here? The Monsieur Lucas I know? [ oh greedy ] ... Wouldn't I still have to say goodbye to all of you?
[ and that
does make him ache something horrible ]
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Supposedly, God is capable of great miracles. [ she should sound more sure considering she's an angel, but it's fine. ] I think if anyone could find a way, it would be them. But... [ she's not even sure how it'd work, actually. ] I don't suppose there's anything wrong with thinking about what you truly want. Isn't that sort of the point? Working for a redemption to go back to an improved life.
no subject
yves looks thoughtful at that.... ]
... yes. But... what happens if I come up with a life that even God can't grant me?
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[ a beat ]
... I think I just want to have hope again, and not have to carry it by myself. And... I'd rather not lose touch with any of you.
But I know... that's a lot to ask for.
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Yves, do you ask for so little because it's easier to accept it might not happen than to dream bigger? [ yes, fine, maybe those are big concepts, but to zuriel these all make perfect sense. you want to be with your friends. you want to be loved. you want to keep your new friends close. you want support. these are all very basic human concepts, and she does not think it's a lot to ask when the core of it comes down to "i want to be with people i care about and who care about me." ]
no subject
[ a little stunned, like he never thought about it like that ]
I guess I just never had everything I wanted all at the same time... Even when things were good, I knew I could only live 23 years or choose to never feel love again...
[ so much about basic life felt so far out of reach, and he only got more insane about his emotional processing and his needs after the fire ]
no subject
... there's a lot I wanted back home, too, that I knew I'd never get. [ she laughs a little, like she thinks this is stupid to think about in comparison to yves' everything. ] When my school's guidance counselor told me I wouldn't be able to even consider applying to the college I wanted to, I think I nearly cried because I'd deluded myself into thinking the impossible things I wanted were possible. There are some things you never have, and you know you'll never have, and you just accept them. Like a cell phone. Or money. Or a father. Or true love. You accept what you can get, because it's what's available and it's easier not to dwell on what you can't have because when you think about it, it consumes you.
And now being here and being told you might be able to have those things feels just as impossible because you've never had it before. [ she tilts her head to look at him a little. ] Something like that?
no subject
... yeah. A lot like that.
[ with a little sigh ]
I was content as a child, but... I already knew that we weren't like people born outside of our country. But I still tried to love it. And it was still hard sometimes, when the flowers my grandfather loved were hated so deeply by others.
Then when I lost everything... it felt like some things were never possible. So to be here, where everyone is so kind and they treat my scar like it's nothing... I don't know.
I want to hope that it'll be alright. But.. what if it isn't?
no subject
You want to tell everyone how they're wrong for thinking poorly of the things you do love, but all you can really do is keep loving them the way you want to yourself.
[ she's shifting to lean against him a little more because this is still stuff she hates to hear from him. ]
... it feels complicated when you're used to being treated a way, and then everyone here is the opposite of that. And you can't take everyone with you, so you're wondering how it'll be if you do go back to that old life. I think... [ what does she think? ] What does "not alright" feel like now?