Saying the same kind of shit? Or have they changed their tune now that things are just as bad here? [ they want to ask about a couple of things (morgana, for one), but one thing at a time. ]
The same manner. It has been worse this week when everyone has been seeing the truth about me.
[ That they know he is a heartless killer. How could he think he can pretend and be anything else? It's pitiful and pathetic. Many self-deprecating things alongside worse thoughts on how to use people like tools, going far as to weaponize trauma he has seen in these mirrors lately.
It is not good. They are loud. ]
You don't need to talk to me. The extent of your good will can end here.
Shut the fuck up, Jacopo. [ it's said with a tired sigh, like they don't even want to hear an argument. they will say more in a second, but also, no, actually, shut the fuck up for a second. ]
The same thing that makes you think you can just call me a fucking idiot for something I didn't even plan on doing, apparently. [ flatly. but okay.they pause... and then continue with their original thoughts. ]
Do you think I'm being forced to talk to you? Is that what this is?
[ again, it is probably good that jacopo cannot see their face. also, i'm glad he's still holding his drink, don't waste it.
anyway gabriel doesn't respond for a few moments. ]
Really trying to use that against me right now? Hey, just curious, how often does this work for you? Are you just kind of an asshole to get people to back off because it's easier than talking about the fact you have actual ghosts of the past haunting you?
[ despite what they're saying, it's clear they're more annoyed this is happening than actually alarmed by what jacopo's done. we have not discussed it, but still. ]
[ Wow, Gabriel is deaf, is what Jacopo thinks he can say next to aggravate them. He takes another composed sip of his drink. ]
You think anything is safe from me to weaponize? That's naive.
[ He doesn't know how to receive kindness or charity well, but worst of all the voices are loud. This is just the person he is, they say. How can he argue with them, they're fragments and pieces he broke off. Those cold words from the nightmarish Barnier are still his, as much as the worse from the young man who rejects the current person he is.
Somewhere in between. ]
What is there to talk about?! They're here, have been for years! Weeks into this project, with people who didn't know who I was, and they're still here!
[ Despite everyone's generosity and friendliness, he still sees that he's... Like this. It's almost like failure. ]
[ that's correct, they are just saying things to keep him talking at this rate. ]
Of course I don't, but you're not special there either. [ fool, they are aware anyone can use their words against them. but still... he lets jacopo yell for a bit, listening and folding their arms over their chest. ]
Inner demons are a thing. All the kindness in the world isn't going to fix something that deeply traumatic. [ they will call it traumatic even if jacopo won't. ] It's the kind of thing that will take time and effort to untangle, but you have to let it.
[ They don't even need to keep talking to have him talking, but there is no guarantee he'll say something important. NO GABRIEL THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE IN TURBOHEAVEN THEY WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO YOU!!!!
Have you seen anyone bristle so much. It was deeply traumatic to someone who was once so loyal and devoted, illuminating across all the mirrors. Despite all the ambition, he is a cowardly and sensitive person, but one who doesn't know what to do with this. Let it untangle? How? Trying to be someone different and better has only gotten ridicule... Being himself is the same. They won't let him live with himself. ]
I want—them to quiet down! [ His grip on the glass in his hand tightens, resisting the urge to just throw it onto the ground or against a mirror. Just anywhere. ] I... Can manage. I have before—they're just so loud now.
[ And he believes every word they say, even if he tries to resist and argue back. ]
[ what if they try to take the glass... can they do that... ]
I'd hate to see your idea of managing, dude. [ this is very poor coping, actually, and gabriel observes for a moment. ]
They're loud because you don't have anything else to distract your thoughts and point out all of the mistakes you've made. Kind of like being locked in a prison of your own design. Even while you're trying to be better, without something else, it's inviting the ghosts in. I think... you are a person who wanted better, once, but you were thrown into someone else's plan and design without any kind of support to accomplish the things you wanted. And you were pulled in a lot of directions and misdirected and more and more mistakes piled up until they crushed you in the form of some real fuckin' creepy old guy haunting you.
Even with everything you've done. I don't think a heartless, cold person would feel the kind of guilt and torment you do.
[ Do they have to courage to be that close to him to take it from his hand... To Jacopo's merit, the murdergame elements have just made him a little worse, but he managed for two years before fine. Somehow.
Through alcohol.
Gabriel puts it so nonchalantly and Jacopo listens. It's... Succinct and understanding. Maybe if his nerves weren't so stretched thin and narrow, if he wasn't being awfully plagued, he would be able to respond with a calm heart. It could have been comforting, but instead guilt turns it into thorns. ]
None of this is actionable.
[ His teeth grit, grinding, as he can feel his whole body wind up. Why is it that he is depressed, so emotions feel nonexistent or dull, except for the worst ones. His eyes might seem wild in how wide they are, but they're teary.
This week have been too much for him. ]
What—What is there—What—am I supposed to do—with this...?! I'm here!
[ And existing is the hardest part sometimes. If there were other decor in this funhouse, maybe he'd break that, but he only has this glass in his hand. ]
[ he could flat-out punch them and they'd just defend themselves, so they don't seem at all worried. besides, this is very much a man who is having a mental breakdown versus someone who is going to try to kill them. ]
Jacopo. Listen to me. [ try to focus. they're trying, keeping their tone firm but quiet, anything to pull him out of his own head for a few moments to try and escape the spiral he's currently going through. ] ... I want to help you. But I don't know how when I don't know exactly what's going on. And I don't know if you even know exactly how deep you're in.
[ because sometimes... depression is a bitch. and being stuck in a void of your own worst mistakes will drive you insane. ]
You're here, but that doesn't mean that's it. I do wish you weren't so tied up in these ghosts. [ because being strapped down with this much guilt shouldn't happen to anybody. ]
[ i am sorry gabriel you are trying your best and you also do not deserve this he is already insane as they've seen
It's hard to know if he prefers to have these ghosts or not... He thinks he deserves punishment if he can't atone, but who really likes hearing voices? They are battling in his head as Gabriel speaks to him. They speak about his own weakness, how he might just be a little fix-it pet project, and about the trouble he's causing them.
A deep, tense breath as he tries to lower his voice and fight the urge to laugh out again. ]
... They don't need to go away. I just want them... To quiet down.
[ they maybe deserve this a little for blatantly ignoring jacopo is insane.
they don't seem bothered, but they let him take time to try and recompose himself (poorly.) ]
Then maybe the answer is to find louder voices to drown them out if they won't quiet down on their own. So maybe that's the next step.
[ granted, they don't get to elaborate on that because the mirrors waver a little.
You don’t recognize this void. or maybe you do? You probably dream about it sometimes, because your life is an empty void anyway. Why would your dreams be different?
But this time it’s different. For one thing, you aren’t alone. And for another, the reason you aren’t alone comes in the shape of a large, pink axolotl. You’re caught in a staredown, the void giving way from the dark, murky colors of yesterday to brighter, airier ones. You aren’t even sure what you want to think, because it’s a fucking axolotl, who is introducing themselves as God.
“You’ve ignored me my whole life, and now you decide to show up? Now. When I don’t need you.”
The axolotl doesn’t open its mouth, but you hear the reply clearly in your head.
”You called out to me, did you not?”
Did you? You don’t really know. It's not like praying actually worked for you. You… tried, maybe, to believe God was real, but all it lead to was disappointment after disappointment. You’re pretty sure this won’t be different.
“Okay. Well. So what? Am I dead? Is this…”
”Heaven, yes.”
“Way to not answer the question…”
The axolotl—God, you suppose, looks at you again, amphibian eyes casting judgment over you. You hear something unintelligible, almost like a harmonious song you don’t know the words to. Until suddenly you do. You aren’t sure why, but you understand that the axolotl has seen everything inside your head, and it slowly turns to begin to swim off.
“What—hey, man! You don’t get to abandon me again!”
You push off, swimming your way through the clouds as quickly as you can before latching onto God’s tail. They don’t shake you off, but they allow you to hold on as they navigate through the heavens.
”So angry. So confused.” You almost hear the pity, if not for how factual they sound. ”Come along. “
And without another moment’s notice, you blip out of existence.
this was poor timing, given their head is turned to face the mirrors, but they shake their head. ignore that. ]
It doesn't change what I said. [ they continue, deciding maybe it is not important to pay attention to all of that bullshit. ]
... that if they won't go away, it's about finding something a little louder to drown them out. I don't believe positive thinking is the answer to everything, but I think at least figuring out a way to redirect isn't a terrible idea.
[ That does normally work. He is a keep busy kind of person and it has done well for him... Finally coming down from that high, he's somewhat embarrassed. A bit ashamed. These are dull, but there.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Saying the same kind of shit? Or have they changed their tune now that things are just as bad here? [ they want to ask about a couple of things (morgana, for one), but one thing at a time. ]
no subject
[ That they know he is a heartless killer. How could he think he can pretend and be anything else? It's pitiful and pathetic. Many self-deprecating things alongside worse thoughts on how to use people like tools, going far as to weaponize trauma he has seen in these mirrors lately.
It is not good. They are loud. ]
You don't need to talk to me. The extent of your good will can end here.
no subject
no subject
YOU THINK HE WILL SHUT UP. ]
What makes you think you can talk to me like that?
no subject
The same thing that makes you think you can just call me a fucking idiot for something I didn't even plan on doing, apparently. [ flatly. but okay.they pause... and then continue with their original thoughts. ]
Do you think I'm being forced to talk to you? Is that what this is?
no subject
You're the one who wants to be a good person.
[ Which is a simple answer to both things. It's funny to imagine this whole Jacopo is still holding his drink. ]
Why else entertain a madman's prattle?
no subject
anyway gabriel doesn't respond for a few moments. ]
Really trying to use that against me right now? Hey, just curious, how often does this work for you? Are you just kind of an asshole to get people to back off because it's easier than talking about the fact you have actual ghosts of the past haunting you?
[ despite what they're saying, it's clear they're more annoyed this is happening than actually alarmed by what jacopo's done. we have not discussed it, but still. ]
no subject
You think anything is safe from me to weaponize? That's naive.
[ He doesn't know how to receive kindness or charity well, but worst of all the voices are loud. This is just the person he is, they say. How can he argue with them, they're fragments and pieces he broke off. Those cold words from the nightmarish Barnier are still his, as much as the worse from the young man who rejects the current person he is.
Somewhere in between. ]
What is there to talk about?! They're here, have been for years! Weeks into this project, with people who didn't know who I was, and they're still here!
[ Despite everyone's generosity and friendliness, he still sees that he's... Like this. It's almost like failure. ]
no subject
Of course I don't, but you're not special there either. [ fool, they are aware anyone can use their words against them. but still... he lets jacopo yell for a bit, listening and folding their arms over their chest. ]
Inner demons are a thing. All the kindness in the world isn't going to fix something that deeply traumatic. [ they will call it traumatic even if jacopo won't. ] It's the kind of thing that will take time and effort to untangle, but you have to let it.
no subject
Have you seen anyone bristle so much. It was deeply traumatic to someone who was once so loyal and devoted, illuminating across all the mirrors. Despite all the ambition, he is a cowardly and sensitive person, but one who doesn't know what to do with this. Let it untangle? How? Trying to be someone different and better has only gotten ridicule... Being himself is the same. They won't let him live with himself. ]
I want—them to quiet down! [ His grip on the glass in his hand tightens, resisting the urge to just throw it onto the ground or against a mirror. Just anywhere. ] I... Can manage. I have before—they're just so loud now.
[ And he believes every word they say, even if he tries to resist and argue back. ]
no subject
I'd hate to see your idea of managing, dude. [ this is very poor coping, actually, and gabriel observes for a moment. ]
They're loud because you don't have anything else to distract your thoughts and point out all of the mistakes you've made. Kind of like being locked in a prison of your own design. Even while you're trying to be better, without something else, it's inviting the ghosts in. I think... you are a person who wanted better, once, but you were thrown into someone else's plan and design without any kind of support to accomplish the things you wanted. And you were pulled in a lot of directions and misdirected and more and more mistakes piled up until they crushed you in the form of some real fuckin' creepy old guy haunting you.
Even with everything you've done. I don't think a heartless, cold person would feel the kind of guilt and torment you do.
no subject
Through alcohol.
Gabriel puts it so nonchalantly and Jacopo listens. It's... Succinct and understanding. Maybe if his nerves weren't so stretched thin and narrow, if he wasn't being awfully plagued, he would be able to respond with a calm heart. It could have been comforting, but instead guilt turns it into thorns. ]
None of this is actionable.
[ His teeth grit, grinding, as he can feel his whole body wind up. Why is it that he is depressed, so emotions feel nonexistent or dull, except for the worst ones. His eyes might seem wild in how wide they are, but they're teary.
This week have been too much for him. ]
What—What is there—What—am I supposed to do—with this...?! I'm here!
[ And existing is the hardest part sometimes. If there were other decor in this funhouse, maybe he'd break that, but he only has this glass in his hand. ]
no subject
Jacopo. Listen to me. [ try to focus. they're trying, keeping their tone firm but quiet, anything to pull him out of his own head for a few moments to try and escape the spiral he's currently going through. ] ... I want to help you. But I don't know how when I don't know exactly what's going on. And I don't know if you even know exactly how deep you're in.
[ because sometimes... depression is a bitch. and being stuck in a void of your own worst mistakes will drive you insane. ]
You're here, but that doesn't mean that's it. I do wish you weren't so tied up in these ghosts. [ because being strapped down with this much guilt shouldn't happen to anybody. ]
no subject
It's hard to know if he prefers to have these ghosts or not... He thinks he deserves punishment if he can't atone, but who really likes hearing voices? They are battling in his head as Gabriel speaks to him. They speak about his own weakness, how he might just be a little fix-it pet project, and about the trouble he's causing them.
A deep, tense breath as he tries to lower his voice and fight the urge to laugh out again. ]
... They don't need to go away. I just want them... To quiet down.
no subject
they don't seem bothered, but they let him take time to try and recompose himself (poorly.) ]
Then maybe the answer is to find louder voices to drown them out if they won't quiet down on their own. So maybe that's the next step.
[ granted, they don't get to elaborate on that because the mirrors waver a little.
this was poor timing, given their head is turned to face the mirrors, but they shake their head. ignore that. ]
It doesn't change what I said. [ they continue, deciding maybe it is not important to pay attention to all of that bullshit. ]
no subject
What in the fucking hell?!
no subject
Did you not remember the axolotl part, or... ?
no subject
[ me looking through posts to see if we were supposed to get an axolotl vision or something ]
no subject
[ no, this is your first glimpse of axogodtl. ]
no subject
[ So... It's just startling to see the axogodtl moving. And speaking(?) ]
no subject
no subject
What were you saying again?
no subject
no subject
Very regretful. ]
... I'm sorry.
no subject
It's rough navigating this shit on your own. [ so they don't care. ] Don't use this as an excuse to avoid me though. Okay?
[ do not be shamed into vanishing or they're going to be annoyed. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)