[ what if they try to take the glass... can they do that... ]
I'd hate to see your idea of managing, dude. [ this is very poor coping, actually, and gabriel observes for a moment. ]
They're loud because you don't have anything else to distract your thoughts and point out all of the mistakes you've made. Kind of like being locked in a prison of your own design. Even while you're trying to be better, without something else, it's inviting the ghosts in. I think... you are a person who wanted better, once, but you were thrown into someone else's plan and design without any kind of support to accomplish the things you wanted. And you were pulled in a lot of directions and misdirected and more and more mistakes piled up until they crushed you in the form of some real fuckin' creepy old guy haunting you.
Even with everything you've done. I don't think a heartless, cold person would feel the kind of guilt and torment you do.
[ Do they have to courage to be that close to him to take it from his hand... To Jacopo's merit, the murdergame elements have just made him a little worse, but he managed for two years before fine. Somehow.
Through alcohol.
Gabriel puts it so nonchalantly and Jacopo listens. It's... Succinct and understanding. Maybe if his nerves weren't so stretched thin and narrow, if he wasn't being awfully plagued, he would be able to respond with a calm heart. It could have been comforting, but instead guilt turns it into thorns. ]
None of this is actionable.
[ His teeth grit, grinding, as he can feel his whole body wind up. Why is it that he is depressed, so emotions feel nonexistent or dull, except for the worst ones. His eyes might seem wild in how wide they are, but they're teary.
This week have been too much for him. ]
What—What is there—What—am I supposed to do—with this...?! I'm here!
[ And existing is the hardest part sometimes. If there were other decor in this funhouse, maybe he'd break that, but he only has this glass in his hand. ]
[ he could flat-out punch them and they'd just defend themselves, so they don't seem at all worried. besides, this is very much a man who is having a mental breakdown versus someone who is going to try to kill them. ]
Jacopo. Listen to me. [ try to focus. they're trying, keeping their tone firm but quiet, anything to pull him out of his own head for a few moments to try and escape the spiral he's currently going through. ] ... I want to help you. But I don't know how when I don't know exactly what's going on. And I don't know if you even know exactly how deep you're in.
[ because sometimes... depression is a bitch. and being stuck in a void of your own worst mistakes will drive you insane. ]
You're here, but that doesn't mean that's it. I do wish you weren't so tied up in these ghosts. [ because being strapped down with this much guilt shouldn't happen to anybody. ]
[ i am sorry gabriel you are trying your best and you also do not deserve this he is already insane as they've seen
It's hard to know if he prefers to have these ghosts or not... He thinks he deserves punishment if he can't atone, but who really likes hearing voices? They are battling in his head as Gabriel speaks to him. They speak about his own weakness, how he might just be a little fix-it pet project, and about the trouble he's causing them.
A deep, tense breath as he tries to lower his voice and fight the urge to laugh out again. ]
... They don't need to go away. I just want them... To quiet down.
[ they maybe deserve this a little for blatantly ignoring jacopo is insane.
they don't seem bothered, but they let him take time to try and recompose himself (poorly.) ]
Then maybe the answer is to find louder voices to drown them out if they won't quiet down on their own. So maybe that's the next step.
[ granted, they don't get to elaborate on that because the mirrors waver a little.
You don’t recognize this void. or maybe you do? You probably dream about it sometimes, because your life is an empty void anyway. Why would your dreams be different?
But this time it’s different. For one thing, you aren’t alone. And for another, the reason you aren’t alone comes in the shape of a large, pink axolotl. You’re caught in a staredown, the void giving way from the dark, murky colors of yesterday to brighter, airier ones. You aren’t even sure what you want to think, because it’s a fucking axolotl, who is introducing themselves as God.
“You’ve ignored me my whole life, and now you decide to show up? Now. When I don’t need you.”
The axolotl doesn’t open its mouth, but you hear the reply clearly in your head.
”You called out to me, did you not?”
Did you? You don’t really know. It's not like praying actually worked for you. You… tried, maybe, to believe God was real, but all it lead to was disappointment after disappointment. You’re pretty sure this won’t be different.
“Okay. Well. So what? Am I dead? Is this…”
”Heaven, yes.”
“Way to not answer the question…”
The axolotl—God, you suppose, looks at you again, amphibian eyes casting judgment over you. You hear something unintelligible, almost like a harmonious song you don’t know the words to. Until suddenly you do. You aren’t sure why, but you understand that the axolotl has seen everything inside your head, and it slowly turns to begin to swim off.
“What—hey, man! You don’t get to abandon me again!”
You push off, swimming your way through the clouds as quickly as you can before latching onto God’s tail. They don’t shake you off, but they allow you to hold on as they navigate through the heavens.
”So angry. So confused.” You almost hear the pity, if not for how factual they sound. ”Come along. “
And without another moment’s notice, you blip out of existence.
this was poor timing, given their head is turned to face the mirrors, but they shake their head. ignore that. ]
It doesn't change what I said. [ they continue, deciding maybe it is not important to pay attention to all of that bullshit. ]
... that if they won't go away, it's about finding something a little louder to drown them out. I don't believe positive thinking is the answer to everything, but I think at least figuring out a way to redirect isn't a terrible idea.
[ That does normally work. He is a keep busy kind of person and it has done well for him... Finally coming down from that high, he's somewhat embarrassed. A bit ashamed. These are dull, but there.
... Shouldn't you want some time away? Not in the part I never return, but at least a short break. I know that I have a short temper, worse in nature right now, but still.
[ a distant way, but not an inaccurate way judging by the fact jacopo understood. ]
I think a person doesn't have to physically be alone to be alone. [ is all they say, before they pause. right. god... ]
A couple of times, yeah. I looked into the idea of being religious and believing in something a couple of times, and I always heard that if you prayed God would respond. It didn't work out that way.
[ they don't reply because they know they're right. ]
... I needed a miracle. And I asked, all the time, and it never came. So yeah. Can't say I relate either. God finally showing up didn't totally change my mind either.
Despite meeting the divine, still of same opinion.
[ He's not surprised. It just seems goofy for God to be able to fix everything. It would make things feel awful for him because why did he suffer all of it for? Character anti-development? Regression?? ]
... That isn't too surprising. Nothing has stopped death before. I wouldn't count all the technology some people have to be the same as impeding death.
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I'd hate to see your idea of managing, dude. [ this is very poor coping, actually, and gabriel observes for a moment. ]
They're loud because you don't have anything else to distract your thoughts and point out all of the mistakes you've made. Kind of like being locked in a prison of your own design. Even while you're trying to be better, without something else, it's inviting the ghosts in. I think... you are a person who wanted better, once, but you were thrown into someone else's plan and design without any kind of support to accomplish the things you wanted. And you were pulled in a lot of directions and misdirected and more and more mistakes piled up until they crushed you in the form of some real fuckin' creepy old guy haunting you.
Even with everything you've done. I don't think a heartless, cold person would feel the kind of guilt and torment you do.
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Through alcohol.
Gabriel puts it so nonchalantly and Jacopo listens. It's... Succinct and understanding. Maybe if his nerves weren't so stretched thin and narrow, if he wasn't being awfully plagued, he would be able to respond with a calm heart. It could have been comforting, but instead guilt turns it into thorns. ]
None of this is actionable.
[ His teeth grit, grinding, as he can feel his whole body wind up. Why is it that he is depressed, so emotions feel nonexistent or dull, except for the worst ones. His eyes might seem wild in how wide they are, but they're teary.
This week have been too much for him. ]
What—What is there—What—am I supposed to do—with this...?! I'm here!
[ And existing is the hardest part sometimes. If there were other decor in this funhouse, maybe he'd break that, but he only has this glass in his hand. ]
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Jacopo. Listen to me. [ try to focus. they're trying, keeping their tone firm but quiet, anything to pull him out of his own head for a few moments to try and escape the spiral he's currently going through. ] ... I want to help you. But I don't know how when I don't know exactly what's going on. And I don't know if you even know exactly how deep you're in.
[ because sometimes... depression is a bitch. and being stuck in a void of your own worst mistakes will drive you insane. ]
You're here, but that doesn't mean that's it. I do wish you weren't so tied up in these ghosts. [ because being strapped down with this much guilt shouldn't happen to anybody. ]
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It's hard to know if he prefers to have these ghosts or not... He thinks he deserves punishment if he can't atone, but who really likes hearing voices? They are battling in his head as Gabriel speaks to him. They speak about his own weakness, how he might just be a little fix-it pet project, and about the trouble he's causing them.
A deep, tense breath as he tries to lower his voice and fight the urge to laugh out again. ]
... They don't need to go away. I just want them... To quiet down.
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they don't seem bothered, but they let him take time to try and recompose himself (poorly.) ]
Then maybe the answer is to find louder voices to drown them out if they won't quiet down on their own. So maybe that's the next step.
[ granted, they don't get to elaborate on that because the mirrors waver a little.
this was poor timing, given their head is turned to face the mirrors, but they shake their head. ignore that. ]
It doesn't change what I said. [ they continue, deciding maybe it is not important to pay attention to all of that bullshit. ]
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What in the fucking hell?!
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Did you not remember the axolotl part, or... ?
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[ me looking through posts to see if we were supposed to get an axolotl vision or something ]
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[ no, this is your first glimpse of axogodtl. ]
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[ So... It's just startling to see the axogodtl moving. And speaking(?) ]
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What were you saying again?
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Very regretful. ]
... I'm sorry.
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It's rough navigating this shit on your own. [ so they don't care. ] Don't use this as an excuse to avoid me though. Okay?
[ do not be shamed into vanishing or they're going to be annoyed. ]
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... Shouldn't you want some time away? Not in the part I never return, but at least a short break. I know that I have a short temper, worse in nature right now, but still.
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I've had enough time by myself for a lifetime, Jacopo. Short tempers are the least of my concerns.
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[ Yeah? ]
... You looked to god at some point in your life... Or that is what the memory implies.
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I think a person doesn't have to physically be alone to be alone. [ is all they say, before they pause. right. god... ]
A couple of times, yeah. I looked into the idea of being religious and believing in something a couple of times, and I always heard that if you prayed God would respond. It didn't work out that way.
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[ It's a universal feeling sometimes. Very common. ]
I've always heard that faith can change someone's life at their lowest. I can't say that I relate.
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... I needed a miracle. And I asked, all the time, and it never came. So yeah. Can't say I relate either. God finally showing up didn't totally change my mind either.
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[ He's not surprised. It just seems goofy for God to be able to fix everything. It would make things feel awful for him because why did he suffer all of it for? Character anti-development? Regression?? ]
... What was the miracle?
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Someone important to me was dying. I wanted God to save her. It didn't work.
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[ But he is medieval. ]
Have you two... Reconnected? In the afterlife.
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[ they are not medieval but some of you are from insane worlds. they shake their head though. ]
No, nothing. I don't even really know where to look, or even if I should right now.
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