Right. I don't think that their livelihoods were truly at risk since the other option is not having one at all.
[ And like... In general, Jacopo might just be a different mindset than others. He doesn't believe in the divine and doesn't believe in the afterlife. Just expected nothing.
Not even this experience has really changed how he feels about it. If it weren't for this project, there would... Just be nothing? He guesses. He doesn't remember anything after death, so... ]
I wish I was powerful enough to make things work the way they wanted. [ worldhopping. people being upset he couldn't promise access to other worlds has been eating at him because he knows he can't just do it because of a lot of balancing acts and world orders, but also he vaguely is like "is this a skill issue?" ] But... I guess it's also hard to go back while breaking your connections. I get it. Live without people you love, or die with them.
[ but he glances at him briefly. ]
You were there, man. Literally the last half of today went badly.
... Think with your head right now. It's simple greed on their part. They were never going to meet these people in the first place if they didn't first die. You can't always have everything you want.
[ Just says it. He's sympathetic, but he is pragmatic in the end where he thinks it matters. ]
I thought it was acceptable. [ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. ] For the most part.
[ very funny given he had this exact conversation with alex not long before he died. mostly in reference to how he never squared things away with his mom before she died, and how sometimes you just have to keep going because things don't work the way you want them to.
maybe that's why he's more soft-hearted about these kinds of things. he's used to being cold and stand-offish at other times, but... it's harder, lately, the more he knows these people. he also knows jacopo's right though. he has to think with his head, even if his emotional feedback is about the same as a nervous chihuahua. ]
... for the most part. [ he has a feeling what, exactly, he means, but he will leave it open to interpretation. ] What would you have changed?
She's back in Hell, and as soon as you guys are gone tomorrow I'm instating orders preventing outside meddling and outside visits without guided, approved chaperones. At minimum.
Probably not enough. I'm still thinking of what I have to do to make sure she can never do this again. She said it would only be the once, but... I don't even know if I can trust her anymore.
It is difficult to overlook, even if you two know each other... People will say they're scarred for life.
[ Jacopo can't really say he's scarred for life... because he's dead, but the wording is similar to how he feels. There were old wounds that were reopened because of shenanigans and it had been hard on him. It had twisted a bond he had.
It's a hard place to be. ]
Regardless of trust, there shouldn't be any breaches.
People have been saying that since even before today, Jacopo. I think... every good intention I ever had for this project doesn't make up for what damage has been caused. I can never fix that. [ which is another thing that deeply bothers him. ]
There won't be any breaches. After this, I probably won't run this again until I figure out a better formula. I still do think second chances are worth it, but... there are a lot of things I would change. I'm sorry.
[ it's fine, sometimes you are truly just. god. but he does take a breath because... because. that's a fair thing, and he has to kind of remember he can talk to people normally. ]
...I think I'm kind of having trouble separating me from the whole God thing. [ so. he doesn't quite say sorry again, but the vibe is there. ] I'm fine with talking about... you know. Whatever. Like usual.
... You're more of just a man to me. With a lot of power is the caveat, I guess.
[ He is godless... And I don't know. Maybe he heard Jacopo talk to other people about how he doesn't care much about god's opinion on him, that he isn't someone who needs the divine's graces.
He cares more about people. ]
You can forget about solutions and changes for now. They can wait for a moment.
[ yeah. yeah, that's kind of the thing. it's the sudden power that has him going "shit", mostly. ]
Probably doesn't hurt that I was just a man until, like, recently. [ as if there was some doubt, but he really is having to cope further with the gravity of being god for the next... however long. but jacopo says "they can wait" and there's something about that where the tension sort of drains out of him. an emotion of letting go, maybe, a soft pang of gratitude. ]
... gotta admit. I don't really know what to do right now if I'm not thinking about solutions and changes. [ it's a joke, but also no, he's at a loss on a lot of things. ]
[ He thinks to himself that maybe when he was lord he should have afforded himself similar moments... But he would have same exact thoughts Jonas is having RIGHT NOW. It is very funny.
He takes a seat at the front pew, arms crossed and elbow propped on the armrest. Not very churchgoer pious. ]
Spilling it all so you can start with a fresh mind and light heart might be worthwhile.
[ it's fine, it's not like he's sitting properly in his throne either given it's a very weird situation. somehow, jacopo really does seem to know the way to talk to him and break through his own terrible mindset and this hasn't been lost on him the whole time. similar, but still slightly different. he hears "just a man now" and it's a slowly unraveling sense of peace, not quite the word but some semblance of settling for someone he likes to at least still view him as less of a god and more of a person. the god has his own sense of responsibility and things to do and things to amend. the man is currently pretty wounded and doesn't feel right saying so when his actions have hurt a lot of people.
so. there's a snort. ]
Let's not be too optimistic here. [ he is pretty convinced he will never have a light heart again with all of this and knowing how many things are in his hands, but he's at least willing to try. and so... ] She's who I've been looking for this whole time. I didn't think this would be how I found her. I don't know how to feel about that part of it, but sort of feels like people already decided for me. How I should, anyway.
[ and he doesn't blame any of these people but it was a lot all at once when he was already struggling to process his own thoughts. ]
[ It's from memories of when his advisor would talk to him as a man, rather than a lord... Those feel distant, even if that had only been two, now nebulous three, years ago. He's sure Odilon would be disappointed in the man he became, but perhaps he would have understood what led him there.
Stay ever high heart, Odilon said. When did he stop listening to that advice? When did he start twisting it? ]
There will always be the ground and the ceiling of expectations, but it is optimistic. [ Going to hope they can at least not be on the ground here. ] The one you left behind, right? That makes it all very complicated.
Are you at least a little relieved to see her? Aside from the anger and frustration that she trampled on a project you put your all in.
[ it's advice he gave jonas too in his letter that sort of stuck with him. he is not an optimistic person. but he does try to believe in things for the better still, even if he keeps getting the rug pulled out from under him. currently he feels more like a disappointment than anything but at least he knows how to deal with that. smoke curls from the end of his cigarette and he sort of shifts his wings to wrap around himself. ]
... of course I am. [ which does make this complicated. ] But at the same time, she died, too. Alone. A while ago, I guess, but I don't entirely know how the loops work. I don't know how relieved I can be knowing this is what's happened to her, and knowing that because of it she caused so much damage. [ so in a sense this is still his fault. ] ... she was sort of like a best friend. The way things went. I don't know if I'm allowed to be a little relieved to see her when I don't know what to do with her.
[ Feathery cocoon... And they circle back to self-blame. He doesn't understands loops too well. It's beyond him to consider redoing so many events and choices. Scary as it is tempting.
Though, it's quite a long string from someone probably died because of me, so this shit with my project happened. It makes sense to him because he also stupidly blames himself first. ]
... I was relieved to see my best friend when we finally saw each other, even though she came at me with a knife.
[ what can you do, you know? ]
Emotions can be controlled, but they come and go as they please whether you want them to or not. Good for you to have a tight grip when you're working.
[ the loops are confusing and he knows he doesn't even fully remember them. he does remember bits and pieces wrong and has been on and off and he finds himself frustrated about it. also glad they're both this way. horrible, actually. ]
It's... hard not to, right? Because you spent so long wondering if they're okay, and even if things are obviously bad or they're ready to kill you instead, at least you know they're still there. [ little fucked up, but it is what it is. emotions sure do come and go without permission though and he frowns softly as he listens. ]
Am I working right now? [ jacopo literally told him to stop thinking about stuff involving his job for a moment but he's still very in his head of "am I actually allowed to feel things without it being held in regards of me being a god." ] Not being able to control them while I'm playing God is a recipe for disaster. And we already had a disaster. So. I'm trying.
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[ ... never mind he doesn't think it's fair to say anything, so he just blows out some smoke. ]
I know it's not enough, but I do hope people feel better knowing they can leave and go back to try and enjoy life.
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[ And like... In general, Jacopo might just be a different mindset than others. He doesn't believe in the divine and doesn't believe in the afterlife. Just expected nothing.
Not even this experience has really changed how he feels about it. If it weren't for this project, there would... Just be nothing? He guesses. He doesn't remember anything after death, so... ]
Things went badly?
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[ but he glances at him briefly. ]
You were there, man. Literally the last half of today went badly.
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[ Just says it. He's sympathetic, but he is pragmatic in the end where he thinks it matters. ]
I thought it was acceptable. [ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. ] For the most part.
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maybe that's why he's more soft-hearted about these kinds of things. he's used to being cold and stand-offish at other times, but... it's harder, lately, the more he knows these people. he also knows jacopo's right though. he has to think with his head, even if his emotional feedback is about the same as a nervous chihuahua. ]
... for the most part. [ he has a feeling what, exactly, he means, but he will leave it open to interpretation. ] What would you have changed?
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... I'd squirrel away my interpersonal relationship.
[ yeah. ]
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why are they more similar than i initially thought, i hate it here.
anyway, he just. frowns. nearly a pout. ]
Really wish people would not think I did this on purpose.
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You could have at least locked her up for a bit, even if it's all for display. A face behind bars does wonders.
[ jacopo: god should lie ]
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[ ... i wish i could say he does not mean this, but no, the emotions are still furious. ]
Also that weird redhead or Mary would've probably broken her out anyway.
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[ It is like. Very funny in hindsight? ]
I don't know. Maybe smite her?
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She's back in Hell, and as soon as you guys are gone tomorrow I'm instating orders preventing outside meddling and outside visits without guided, approved chaperones. At minimum.
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Good precautions.
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[ Jacopo can't really say he's scarred for life... because he's dead, but the wording is similar to how he feels. There were old wounds that were reopened because of shenanigans and it had been hard on him. It had twisted a bond he had.
It's a hard place to be. ]
Regardless of trust, there shouldn't be any breaches.
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There won't be any breaches. After this, I probably won't run this again until I figure out a better formula. I still do think second chances are worth it, but... there are a lot of things I would change. I'm sorry.
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I'm not asking for an apology. I just wanted to talk to you.
[ Like normal and regular. ]
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...I think I'm kind of having trouble separating me from the whole God thing. [ so. he doesn't quite say sorry again, but the vibe is there. ] I'm fine with talking about... you know. Whatever. Like usual.
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[ He is godless... And I don't know. Maybe he heard Jacopo talk to other people about how he doesn't care much about god's opinion on him, that he isn't someone who needs the divine's graces.
He cares more about people. ]
You can forget about solutions and changes for now. They can wait for a moment.
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Probably doesn't hurt that I was just a man until, like, recently. [ as if there was some doubt, but he really is having to cope further with the gravity of being god for the next... however long. but jacopo says "they can wait" and there's something about that where the tension sort of drains out of him. an emotion of letting go, maybe, a soft pang of gratitude. ]
... gotta admit. I don't really know what to do right now if I'm not thinking about solutions and changes. [ it's a joke, but also no, he's at a loss on a lot of things. ]
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Just a man now.
[ He thinks to himself that maybe when he was lord he should have afforded himself similar moments... But he would have same exact thoughts Jonas is having RIGHT NOW. It is very funny.
He takes a seat at the front pew, arms crossed and elbow propped on the armrest. Not very churchgoer pious. ]
Spilling it all so you can start with a fresh mind and light heart might be worthwhile.
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so. there's a snort. ]
Let's not be too optimistic here. [ he is pretty convinced he will never have a light heart again with all of this and knowing how many things are in his hands, but he's at least willing to try. and so... ] She's who I've been looking for this whole time. I didn't think this would be how I found her. I don't know how to feel about that part of it, but sort of feels like people already decided for me. How I should, anyway.
[ and he doesn't blame any of these people but it was a lot all at once when he was already struggling to process his own thoughts. ]
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Stay ever high heart, Odilon said. When did he stop listening to that advice? When did he start twisting it? ]
There will always be the ground and the ceiling of expectations, but it is optimistic. [ Going to hope they can at least not be on the ground here. ] The one you left behind, right? That makes it all very complicated.
Are you at least a little relieved to see her? Aside from the anger and frustration that she trampled on a project you put your all in.
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... of course I am. [ which does make this complicated. ] But at the same time, she died, too. Alone. A while ago, I guess, but I don't entirely know how the loops work. I don't know how relieved I can be knowing this is what's happened to her, and knowing that because of it she caused so much damage. [ so in a sense this is still his fault. ] ... she was sort of like a best friend. The way things went. I don't know if I'm allowed to be a little relieved to see her when I don't know what to do with her.
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Though, it's quite a long string from someone probably died because of me, so this shit with my project happened. It makes sense to him because he also stupidly blames himself first. ]
... I was relieved to see my best friend when we finally saw each other, even though she came at me with a knife.
[ what can you do, you know? ]
Emotions can be controlled, but they come and go as they please whether you want them to or not. Good for you to have a tight grip when you're working.
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It's... hard not to, right? Because you spent so long wondering if they're okay, and even if things are obviously bad or they're ready to kill you instead, at least you know they're still there. [ little fucked up, but it is what it is. emotions sure do come and go without permission though and he frowns softly as he listens. ]
Am I working right now? [ jacopo literally told him to stop thinking about stuff involving his job for a moment but he's still very in his head of "am I actually allowed to feel things without it being held in regards of me being a god." ] Not being able to control them while I'm playing God is a recipe for disaster. And we already had a disaster. So. I'm trying.
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