[ "My mom was Methodist, my dad…kinda didn’t care, but… tonight’s kind of… I guess I’m just realizing a lot of it’s rubbed off on me more than I thought. Uh. ‘Faith discerns the things of God?’ I heard that a lot as a kid, and it’s been on my mind tonight. Some aspects of it just, uh, help me, I guess, day to day. A little. Just the, um… that everything-- not that everything “happens for a reason” or whatever, but just that... some things are inevitable."
"Things never really work out the way you want, you know?"
these are both sentiments he'd shared with alex before, and he still kind of feels a way about them. hearing jacopo say the same kind of makes him go "yes, okay, reaffirmed, understood." so he settles on nodding along... and he's right, he's not a child. he understands he can't make everyone happy, but. ]
Maybe it's the whole "meaning well" thing that's getting to me. Like... because of today, people think I don't anymore. Like this was all for my own gain and that's not... I don't want to be that kind of god. I never did. [ but that's also true. people are going to put him on a pedestal in a positive and negative way. he's meant to serve and fix and guide, and everyone has hardships. he hears the tone though an raises an eyebrow. yes, yes, he knows. ]
Not to get, like, super existential right now but I definitely lost the thread of who I'm supposed to be a while ago. It's been months since I've even used my own name, let alone told any of you much about me. I know that the past isn't the only thing that makes up a person, but... it's what I have left from my old life. I don't know how to be something else. And with Alex, it's like... she knows that person. She knows me better than anybody else, and it's both a good thing and a dangerous thing now. I don't want to...
[ well. he doesn't continue that thread, and instead he looks at him for a moment. he's stubborn, so he does think everyone can still be saved. ]
If that's what you wanted, you know I'd hire you in a heartbeat. [ it's meant to be a joke but it's a touch too painfully sincere, because to him, jacopo has in fact been something good and grounding and better, even with the stress that's come with navigating who he is as a person. ] I'm not gonna tie you to me when you come back. If you change your mind by the time you return and decide "no, I don't actually want to deal with this dumbass", like, no pressure. But... you've done more for me than I think you get. And more than I think you're ready to hear, so... thank you. I still stand by what I said, and I do still think you deserve more than you'd let yourself want after all of this. So until you come back, I want to do what I can to give you the best second chance I can. As long as you tell me all about it later.
I haven't heard my own name from someone else's mouth in two years—[ When Gratien, the man he thought was his comrade, appeared and poisoned his drink. ] until here.
[ As much as Odilon, his advisor, genuinely cared for him... It was also in his advice to discard his name, his life, and his time in the lord's manor he had only ever been called "Lord." He had gotten used to it.
Jacopo had only heard his name in his own voice sounded in his mind. ]
... What's your name?
[ He thinks it might be better to start with this first before continuing. ]
[ given what he knows, he thinks it makes sense even if he doesn't like it. so he frowns a little in response. ]
Probably should've asked then what you really wanted to go by. [ does not regret though? sir that's (probably) your name, and you should own it. but he's quiet like he's deciding before he shrugs. sure. someone may as well know, even if alex said it out loud, he doesn't expect anyone to have noticed or registered it. also it means something more to give it himself, he thinks. ]
[ Better to exchange than to assume you can use what other people call you, right? Whoops. It's fine... It's better for Jacopo to hear his name and remember who he actually is, even though he had been resistant before. Identity... Is a rough thing.
Hopefully, this can feel like an act of autonomy. He stands up and walks over to the throne, offering a hand to shake. ]
I prefer Jacopo now. [ It worked out and it is his name, regardless if he remembers where it came from. ] It's good to know you, Jonas.
[ this whole game, beating jacopo's name into his head. identity is rough and so is regaining autonomy. so maybe this will help both of them. there's a flicker of surprise when he sees jacopo get up, but there's also a faint grin when he notices why. he can entertain the idea just fine. the hand not holding the cigarette extends and goes with the handshake. ]
Good to know you, too. [ a pause. ] I'm glad for it, in spite of all this.
[ Sometimes you're like wow... Right... My name, but this time in someone's voice, weird. Who am I?
They have a solid handshake even though this isn't their first time meeting. Not their first time with introductions, but it means something. Just a little. ]
I'd be rotting somewhere in the field getting picked at by birds and eaten by maggots, if it wasn't for this project. Not that I'd have issues with that. [ He deserves it, he knows. ] It's... Been a journey, I suppose, to remember who I used to be. Strange how genuine it feels, even if it's some pieces. All without pretending.
[ Maybe he should use less words. It has been his problem before. ]
So... I'm glad, too. In spite of all this.
[ The nightmares, the terrors, the paranoia, the distrust, the reopened trauma, everything that plagued him—he survived that before. So it's fine. He got something out of this, even if this wasn't his choice. Might not ever made this choice, actually.
But sometimes he needs choices made for him, like this. ]
[ both of them as the dog in the mirror tbh. it does mean something though, in a sense of how it means they're both kind of reclaiming an identity they were stripped of to assume their specific positions of power. it helps knowing someone relates even when the relation is bad.
reasonably he knows this. he knows people would absolutely just be dead without the project and he thinks about what uruha said when they met face to face. he can't exactly regret trying. not when it means people get a second shot. even people like jacopo who don't think they deserve a new chance or initially didn't want it... it's deserved. ]
I can't say I'm mad you aren't being eaten by maggots, you know. Kind of against it. But... I get it. We've talked about this and how we got here. How it's weird to untangle everything in the end... I know it's probably never all going to be fixed. But maybe it's a little easier now. For both of us.
[ but he tilts his head because he knows there are things that jacopo still has to do. ]
When you're ready. I'll still help you find her. And you know I'm gonna back you up on what you want to do next. [ the only time he'd actively say no is if it'd hurt a lot of other people or jacopo himself too badly. but he does trust him. ]
[ And that's better than being stuck? Or at least he thinks so. He doesn't think that Jonas is quite feeling that he can press forward with confidence, but it's good to know that they can keep pressing forward. Why settle staying in the same place?
For Morgana, he doesn't think he'll be dallying... Even with the bad omen he's been getting, he's resolved. He settles against the armrest that Jonas isn't using, arms crossed. ]
... Anyway, I don't know what you'd gain from all of this except for ego, not that you can reap any from it. You'd also need to have some esteem in the first place.
[ Because, you know, Satan came in to ruin it all... And so many people have such conflicted feelings about it. Jacopo does not envy this position at all. The last part is also unnecessary. Sorry. ]
Pretty sure everyone's struggled enough in life. Why make it worse?
[ it is better than being stuck. also he's right, jonas's confidence has been shot and he's going to have to figure out how to rebuild it from here on his own, but it's enough to at least keep dragging himself forward. if anything, he can keep moving ahead for the sake of other people if not himself. he lets jacopo lean and the longer he lingers around, the more jonas seems to relax a little and actually. you know. act his age. and act human. ]
This was never about ego and you know that. [ he says with a roll of his eyes. ] The good thing, I think, is my reputation already started at rock bottom so it's not like I can go much further. The people who I got to know and didn't immediately break our relationship are justified feeling the way they do. And the people who still want to talk to me are also justified. I can't change anything beyond trying to do better.
[ sorry, did you think he would argue he had any esteem in this? no! but he frowns in though when jacopo mentions this. ]
Yeah. [ he knows. ] ...I don't know how much I could or should say about her. I don't want it to feel like I'm defending what she did, but I just... you know. Know her better. Or I thought I did.
[ Just two guys at church. Jacopo doesn't watch Jonas the whole time... Just because he doesn't want to tire his neck looking down on top of possibly making it uncomfortable or awkward. He looks out to the empty church, considering that eventually this slice of Heaven will be empty for a bit, too. ]
Good that it isn't. [ It would be very telling of someone if it was. ] And the only way from the bottom is up, isn't it...
[ That's good, even if there are broken or complicated relationships. Life is full of those, but in eternity there's always a chance to create more bonds. It's an odd thing to think about when Jacopo was often a guy who doesn't believe in fate, destiny, or the divine. Never felt much for them.
But he thinks about it now, just a bit. ]
I haven't criticized her yet. [ ... ] But I didn't like how she looked at me.
[ thank you for not staring at him so much... and also thank you for understanding what the hell i meant to write. ]
Technically, yes. [ you can only go up from here, but he's not sure how long he'll be down here. ] But I'm thinking the bottom is really, really far from where I want to be.
[ maybe he'll be better for the next group, if there is one. eternity is a very long time and there will be so many people passing through heaven as jonas sorts them to rule over this domain. he kind of wonders if the broken bonds can really be mended later. the look he gives jacopo says he doesn't mind if he criticizes alex, but he blinks softly after. ]
I think she deserves to be critized, but what do you mean?
As you should. Don't forget where you want to be. Keep it within your sights.
[ Desperation. Ambition. Greed. Jacopo truly is the guy that is like you need to climb because who will take you seriously? How will you achieve? Even though he lived his life climbing over his sacrifices. It'll be different with Jonas, he thinks...
It's fine. Always keep ambition in check is the lesson. He looks down when he feels a stare at him. ]
... I don't know. I was just observing you two and she gave me a look before I greeted her. [ Maybe because HE WAS STARING. A shrug. ] She seems like just a girl.
[ this is better than feeling sorry for himself, at least, because that's sort of where jonas was waffling. not exactly feeling sorry for himself but being uncertain of where to go or what to do, what he wanted and what he should pursue.
a reminder of keeping his goals in mind... ]
I'll work on it. [ which is about the best he can promise. he wants to, but it may take time to regroup. but he tilts his head back to look up at him again. ]
... she's... [ how to... describe... alex... ] She is and she isn't. She probably wasn't sure what to think since by now, technically, you guys have known me longer than she has.
[ he says technically because they knew each other for one night, but he is struggling to cope with the fact that it sure feels much longer. ]
[ Jacopo would take dissociating over feeling sorry for himself, but Jonas is taking it better as they talk it through. It won't take whatever moment he had earlier, but... Sometimes you need that catharsis to clear your mind.
There's a hum of approval, but... Hm. Alex. ]
We knew you as a mysterious bartender who got harassed by everyone. [ So like... It all depends, right? ] But not wrong.
[ it's fine this conversation really does help him later when he talks to alex himself and stops him from entirely spiraling into the ground, so thank you..... but yes. that. ]
And she knew me as the guy who just got out of juvie for sending another kid to the hospital and who was supposed to eventually be her new stepbrother. [ supposed to be because it's... such a weird timeline of events and also they're dead now so that kind of negates the whole thing. ] We actually only met the first time the night I died, but... some things happened that made us grow a lot closer. It's hard to explain.
[ but there is a reason he did see her like a best friend, after a point. ]
She might be a little jealous. [ it's teasing like he thinks the idea is funny, but subconsciously he does remember timelines that alex has said and done things to jonas that lead him to think this. funny. ]
[ this happens in lads, too! sometimes you are adoptive siblings and death just nukes that relationship in legal sense. Wow! Jacopo frowns to hear that Jonas got himself into that kind of mess, but doesn't scold him. This guy can put himself down enough already... And everyone has their low points.
Why does everyone have some weird fantastical world mechanic that is difficult to explain? Jacopo can't fathom becoming so close to someone in one day—well, he guesses he can. He's a whirlwind of emotions, but he wouldn't say they know him after a single day?
Whatever, they understand the phenomenon best and he's just chilling before he gets imprisoned and made to suffer like he subconsciously wants. ]
I'll take your word for it... Even though I don't quite understand how you two got here. [ Like relationship-wise in one night. ] You think it's possible?
One night versus two months... If she's a jealous person, then I can see that. That sounds like a personal problem.
[ i need you to go back and explain how this happens in lads and also why. anyway, yeah. thank you for not scolding him further. funny, if jacopo actually said anything he would probably explain further, but he seems to think it's okay not to. it's not really like it makes a huge difference. ]
... ghosts. The short answer is ghosts. I think if I remember... we had done that same night before, but like I said, it's hard to explain. [ mostly because he doesn't entirely get it himself. ] But it's possible, yeah. Alex had a better grasp of that stuff than me so... I'm not sure what she might remember that I don't know about. It might be a personal problem, and it's my own personal problem to make sure she doesn't take shit out on other people again.
[ so. both of their problems. ]
But I'll have it all under control before you get back. I can promise that much. [ mostly because he has no other choice, and he refuses to give up the people he's met here that he actually likes. ]
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"Things never really work out the way you want, you know?"
these are both sentiments he'd shared with alex before, and he still kind of feels a way about them. hearing jacopo say the same kind of makes him go "yes, okay, reaffirmed, understood." so he settles on nodding along... and he's right, he's not a child. he understands he can't make everyone happy, but. ]
Maybe it's the whole "meaning well" thing that's getting to me. Like... because of today, people think I don't anymore. Like this was all for my own gain and that's not... I don't want to be that kind of god. I never did. [ but that's also true. people are going to put him on a pedestal in a positive and negative way. he's meant to serve and fix and guide, and everyone has hardships. he hears the tone though an raises an eyebrow. yes, yes, he knows. ]
Not to get, like, super existential right now but I definitely lost the thread of who I'm supposed to be a while ago. It's been months since I've even used my own name, let alone told any of you much about me. I know that the past isn't the only thing that makes up a person, but... it's what I have left from my old life. I don't know how to be something else. And with Alex, it's like... she knows that person. She knows me better than anybody else, and it's both a good thing and a dangerous thing now. I don't want to...
[ well. he doesn't continue that thread, and instead he looks at him for a moment. he's stubborn, so he does think everyone can still be saved. ]
If that's what you wanted, you know I'd hire you in a heartbeat. [ it's meant to be a joke but it's a touch too painfully sincere, because to him, jacopo has in fact been something good and grounding and better, even with the stress that's come with navigating who he is as a person. ] I'm not gonna tie you to me when you come back. If you change your mind by the time you return and decide "no, I don't actually want to deal with this dumbass", like, no pressure. But... you've done more for me than I think you get. And more than I think you're ready to hear, so... thank you. I still stand by what I said, and I do still think you deserve more than you'd let yourself want after all of this. So until you come back, I want to do what I can to give you the best second chance I can. As long as you tell me all about it later.
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[ As much as Odilon, his advisor, genuinely cared for him... It was also in his advice to discard his name, his life, and his time in the lord's manor he had only ever been called "Lord." He had gotten used to it.
Jacopo had only heard his name in his own voice sounded in his mind. ]
... What's your name?
[ He thinks it might be better to start with this first before continuing. ]
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Probably should've asked then what you really wanted to go by. [ does not regret though? sir that's (probably) your name, and you should own it. but he's quiet like he's deciding before he shrugs. sure. someone may as well know, even if alex said it out loud, he doesn't expect anyone to have noticed or registered it. also it means something more to give it himself, he thinks. ]
It's Jonas.
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Hopefully, this can feel like an act of autonomy. He stands up and walks over to the throne, offering a hand to shake. ]
I prefer Jacopo now. [ It worked out and it is his name, regardless if he remembers where it came from. ] It's good to know you, Jonas.
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Good to know you, too. [ a pause. ] I'm glad for it, in spite of all this.
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They have a solid handshake even though this isn't their first time meeting. Not their first time with introductions, but it means something. Just a little. ]
I'd be rotting somewhere in the field getting picked at by birds and eaten by maggots, if it wasn't for this project. Not that I'd have issues with that. [ He deserves it, he knows. ] It's... Been a journey, I suppose, to remember who I used to be. Strange how genuine it feels, even if it's some pieces. All without pretending.
[ Maybe he should use less words. It has been his problem before. ]
So... I'm glad, too. In spite of all this.
[ The nightmares, the terrors, the paranoia, the distrust, the reopened trauma, everything that plagued him—he survived that before. So it's fine. He got something out of this, even if this wasn't his choice. Might not ever made this choice, actually.
But sometimes he needs choices made for him, like this. ]
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reasonably he knows this. he knows people would absolutely just be dead without the project and he thinks about what uruha said when they met face to face. he can't exactly regret trying. not when it means people get a second shot. even people like jacopo who don't think they deserve a new chance or initially didn't want it... it's deserved. ]
I can't say I'm mad you aren't being eaten by maggots, you know. Kind of against it. But... I get it. We've talked about this and how we got here. How it's weird to untangle everything in the end... I know it's probably never all going to be fixed. But maybe it's a little easier now. For both of us.
[ but he tilts his head because he knows there are things that jacopo still has to do. ]
When you're ready. I'll still help you find her. And you know I'm gonna back you up on what you want to do next. [ the only time he'd actively say no is if it'd hurt a lot of other people or jacopo himself too badly. but he does trust him. ]
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[ And that's better than being stuck? Or at least he thinks so. He doesn't think that Jonas is quite feeling that he can press forward with confidence, but it's good to know that they can keep pressing forward. Why settle staying in the same place?
For Morgana, he doesn't think he'll be dallying... Even with the bad omen he's been getting, he's resolved. He settles against the armrest that Jonas isn't using, arms crossed. ]
... Anyway, I don't know what you'd gain from all of this except for ego, not that you can reap any from it. You'd also need to have some esteem in the first place.
[ Because, you know, Satan came in to ruin it all... And so many people have such conflicted feelings about it. Jacopo does not envy this position at all. The last part is also unnecessary. Sorry. ]
You trailed off earlier.
[ When he was talking about Alex. ]
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[ it is better than being stuck. also he's right, jonas's confidence has been shot and he's going to have to figure out how to rebuild it from here on his own, but it's enough to at least keep dragging himself forward. if anything, he can keep moving ahead for the sake of other people if not himself. he lets jacopo lean and the longer he lingers around, the more jonas seems to relax a little and actually. you know. act his age. and act human. ]
This was never about ego and you know that. [ he says with a roll of his eyes. ] The good thing, I think, is my reputation already started at rock bottom so it's not like I can go much further. The people who I got to know and didn't immediately break our relationship are justified feeling the way they do. And the people who still want to talk to me are also justified. I can't change anything beyond trying to do better.
[ sorry, did you think he would argue he had any esteem in this? no! but he frowns in though when jacopo mentions this. ]
Yeah. [ he knows. ] ...I don't know how much I could or should say about her. I don't want it to feel like I'm defending what she did, but I just... you know. Know her better. Or I thought I did.
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Good that it isn't. [ It would be very telling of someone if it was. ] And the only way from the bottom is up, isn't it...
[ That's good, even if there are broken or complicated relationships. Life is full of those, but in eternity there's always a chance to create more bonds. It's an odd thing to think about when Jacopo was often a guy who doesn't believe in fate, destiny, or the divine. Never felt much for them.
But he thinks about it now, just a bit. ]
I haven't criticized her yet. [ ... ] But I didn't like how she looked at me.
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Technically, yes. [ you can only go up from here, but he's not sure how long he'll be down here. ] But I'm thinking the bottom is really, really far from where I want to be.
[ maybe he'll be better for the next group, if there is one. eternity is a very long time and there will be so many people passing through heaven as jonas sorts them to rule over this domain. he kind of wonders if the broken bonds can really be mended later. the look he gives jacopo says he doesn't mind if he criticizes alex, but he blinks softly after. ]
I think she deserves to be critized, but what do you mean?
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[ Desperation. Ambition. Greed. Jacopo truly is the guy that is like you need to climb because who will take you seriously? How will you achieve? Even though he lived his life climbing over his sacrifices. It'll be different with Jonas, he thinks...
It's fine. Always keep ambition in check is the lesson. He looks down when he feels a stare at him. ]
... I don't know. I was just observing you two and she gave me a look before I greeted her. [ Maybe because HE WAS STARING. A shrug. ] She seems like just a girl.
[ Like how Jonas is just a guy. ]
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a reminder of keeping his goals in mind... ]
I'll work on it. [ which is about the best he can promise. he wants to, but it may take time to regroup. but he tilts his head back to look up at him again. ]
... she's... [ how to... describe... alex... ] She is and she isn't. She probably wasn't sure what to think since by now, technically, you guys have known me longer than she has.
[ he says technically because they knew each other for one night, but he is struggling to cope with the fact that it sure feels much longer. ]
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There's a hum of approval, but... Hm. Alex. ]
We knew you as a mysterious bartender who got harassed by everyone. [ So like... It all depends, right? ] But not wrong.
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And she knew me as the guy who just got out of juvie for sending another kid to the hospital and who was supposed to eventually be her new stepbrother. [ supposed to be because it's... such a weird timeline of events and also they're dead now so that kind of negates the whole thing. ] We actually only met the first time the night I died, but... some things happened that made us grow a lot closer. It's hard to explain.
[ but there is a reason he did see her like a best friend, after a point. ]
She might be a little jealous. [ it's teasing like he thinks the idea is funny, but subconsciously he does remember timelines that alex has said and done things to jonas that lead him to think this. funny. ]
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Why does everyone have some weird fantastical world mechanic that is difficult to explain? Jacopo can't fathom becoming so close to someone in one day—well, he guesses he can. He's a whirlwind of emotions, but he wouldn't say they know him after a single day?
Whatever, they understand the phenomenon best and he's just chilling before he gets imprisoned and made to suffer like he subconsciously wants. ]
I'll take your word for it... Even though I don't quite understand how you two got here. [ Like relationship-wise in one night. ] You think it's possible?
One night versus two months... If she's a jealous person, then I can see that. That sounds like a personal problem.
[ For Alex? Not for them. ]
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... ghosts. The short answer is ghosts. I think if I remember... we had done that same night before, but like I said, it's hard to explain. [ mostly because he doesn't entirely get it himself. ] But it's possible, yeah. Alex had a better grasp of that stuff than me so... I'm not sure what she might remember that I don't know about. It might be a personal problem, and it's my own personal problem to make sure she doesn't take shit out on other people again.
[ so. both of their problems. ]
But I'll have it all under control before you get back. I can promise that much. [ mostly because he has no other choice, and he refuses to give up the people he's met here that he actually likes. ]