It is difficult to overlook, even if you two know each other... People will say they're scarred for life.
[ Jacopo can't really say he's scarred for life... because he's dead, but the wording is similar to how he feels. There were old wounds that were reopened because of shenanigans and it had been hard on him. It had twisted a bond he had.
It's a hard place to be. ]
Regardless of trust, there shouldn't be any breaches.
People have been saying that since even before today, Jacopo. I think... every good intention I ever had for this project doesn't make up for what damage has been caused. I can never fix that. [ which is another thing that deeply bothers him. ]
There won't be any breaches. After this, I probably won't run this again until I figure out a better formula. I still do think second chances are worth it, but... there are a lot of things I would change. I'm sorry.
[ it's fine, sometimes you are truly just. god. but he does take a breath because... because. that's a fair thing, and he has to kind of remember he can talk to people normally. ]
...I think I'm kind of having trouble separating me from the whole God thing. [ so. he doesn't quite say sorry again, but the vibe is there. ] I'm fine with talking about... you know. Whatever. Like usual.
... You're more of just a man to me. With a lot of power is the caveat, I guess.
[ He is godless... And I don't know. Maybe he heard Jacopo talk to other people about how he doesn't care much about god's opinion on him, that he isn't someone who needs the divine's graces.
He cares more about people. ]
You can forget about solutions and changes for now. They can wait for a moment.
[ yeah. yeah, that's kind of the thing. it's the sudden power that has him going "shit", mostly. ]
Probably doesn't hurt that I was just a man until, like, recently. [ as if there was some doubt, but he really is having to cope further with the gravity of being god for the next... however long. but jacopo says "they can wait" and there's something about that where the tension sort of drains out of him. an emotion of letting go, maybe, a soft pang of gratitude. ]
... gotta admit. I don't really know what to do right now if I'm not thinking about solutions and changes. [ it's a joke, but also no, he's at a loss on a lot of things. ]
[ He thinks to himself that maybe when he was lord he should have afforded himself similar moments... But he would have same exact thoughts Jonas is having RIGHT NOW. It is very funny.
He takes a seat at the front pew, arms crossed and elbow propped on the armrest. Not very churchgoer pious. ]
Spilling it all so you can start with a fresh mind and light heart might be worthwhile.
[ it's fine, it's not like he's sitting properly in his throne either given it's a very weird situation. somehow, jacopo really does seem to know the way to talk to him and break through his own terrible mindset and this hasn't been lost on him the whole time. similar, but still slightly different. he hears "just a man now" and it's a slowly unraveling sense of peace, not quite the word but some semblance of settling for someone he likes to at least still view him as less of a god and more of a person. the god has his own sense of responsibility and things to do and things to amend. the man is currently pretty wounded and doesn't feel right saying so when his actions have hurt a lot of people.
so. there's a snort. ]
Let's not be too optimistic here. [ he is pretty convinced he will never have a light heart again with all of this and knowing how many things are in his hands, but he's at least willing to try. and so... ] She's who I've been looking for this whole time. I didn't think this would be how I found her. I don't know how to feel about that part of it, but sort of feels like people already decided for me. How I should, anyway.
[ and he doesn't blame any of these people but it was a lot all at once when he was already struggling to process his own thoughts. ]
[ It's from memories of when his advisor would talk to him as a man, rather than a lord... Those feel distant, even if that had only been two, now nebulous three, years ago. He's sure Odilon would be disappointed in the man he became, but perhaps he would have understood what led him there.
Stay ever high heart, Odilon said. When did he stop listening to that advice? When did he start twisting it? ]
There will always be the ground and the ceiling of expectations, but it is optimistic. [ Going to hope they can at least not be on the ground here. ] The one you left behind, right? That makes it all very complicated.
Are you at least a little relieved to see her? Aside from the anger and frustration that she trampled on a project you put your all in.
[ it's advice he gave jonas too in his letter that sort of stuck with him. he is not an optimistic person. but he does try to believe in things for the better still, even if he keeps getting the rug pulled out from under him. currently he feels more like a disappointment than anything but at least he knows how to deal with that. smoke curls from the end of his cigarette and he sort of shifts his wings to wrap around himself. ]
... of course I am. [ which does make this complicated. ] But at the same time, she died, too. Alone. A while ago, I guess, but I don't entirely know how the loops work. I don't know how relieved I can be knowing this is what's happened to her, and knowing that because of it she caused so much damage. [ so in a sense this is still his fault. ] ... she was sort of like a best friend. The way things went. I don't know if I'm allowed to be a little relieved to see her when I don't know what to do with her.
[ Feathery cocoon... And they circle back to self-blame. He doesn't understands loops too well. It's beyond him to consider redoing so many events and choices. Scary as it is tempting.
Though, it's quite a long string from someone probably died because of me, so this shit with my project happened. It makes sense to him because he also stupidly blames himself first. ]
... I was relieved to see my best friend when we finally saw each other, even though she came at me with a knife.
[ what can you do, you know? ]
Emotions can be controlled, but they come and go as they please whether you want them to or not. Good for you to have a tight grip when you're working.
[ the loops are confusing and he knows he doesn't even fully remember them. he does remember bits and pieces wrong and has been on and off and he finds himself frustrated about it. also glad they're both this way. horrible, actually. ]
It's... hard not to, right? Because you spent so long wondering if they're okay, and even if things are obviously bad or they're ready to kill you instead, at least you know they're still there. [ little fucked up, but it is what it is. emotions sure do come and go without permission though and he frowns softly as he listens. ]
Am I working right now? [ jacopo literally told him to stop thinking about stuff involving his job for a moment but he's still very in his head of "am I actually allowed to feel things without it being held in regards of me being a god." ] Not being able to control them while I'm playing God is a recipe for disaster. And we already had a disaster. So. I'm trying.
It is hard not to... I had the smallest naive hope that she still believed in me. [ When everyone else stopped believing in him. ] But you would be right. Even when she charged at me with the knife, I thought about how she looked. She looked well... Still feisty.
[ But he doesn't want to think about what he had. There's nothing left for him, after all. Even at the end of everything here, nothing changes there's nothing and no one to return to. That is what happens when you burn and ruin everything. ]
It's hard to abandon sentiments is what I learned too late, or at least it was hard for me.
[ There are people who are better at it. He could make the decisions and choices to put the betterment and progress of people and life over what and who matters most to him, but it was never easy. It poisoned him slowly, killing a piece of him each time. There was no one left, his own doing, and so he had to try to pick up his own broken pieces.
He thinks that Jonas may be the same... And that would mean he's ill fit for this job by his lonesome. ]
You're not. [ Gestures with a hand. ] Outside work talk, including the comments about work. I know you're trying and can see it.
[ alex had appeared and all he could think about was how different she looked. how unwell she appeared. unhinged in her own way, but still alex. it helps to know that someone actually gets it, what it's like to have someone from the past reappear and that part of you can't help but be hopeful you can pick up where you left off. ]
... I need to let her go. [ is what it boils down to. but it also means "i don't know how to", which doesn't help anyone. ] But it's hard when she's the reason I said yes to staying here. I wanted to give you all a second chance, but God had said that if I did something good with this and showed them why I believed in this, they would help me find an answer to something else.
[ the something else being "where is alex." but anyhow, jacopo is correct. jonas can be calculative and manipulative if he has to be and he can make choices that aren't great, but he doesn't like to. he doesn't like having to pick and choose and sacrifice things or people, and it's where he's trying to figure out everything. it might be easier if he had a support system, maybe, but he doesn't want to ask any of the people leaving, and... yeah. he'll be by himself, so he should probably figure it out. pick up your own broken pieces again.
but jacopo says "i know you're trying" and he takes a breath because it means a lot, for one, and it's hard to grasp, for another. trying isn't always good enough, but he wants it to be. even if it means trying harder. ]
... I guess... I should rephrase it as "I don't know what to do, period." It's not like I've ever been a God before. I still don't totally get why they chose me. [ though, thinking about it, he vaguely wonders if it's because the axolotl already knew about alex and did not think this would go as poorly as it did. which is annoying. but whatever. ]
[ To someone watching from above, this may seem like a comedy, but Jacopo just finds it... Tragic in some ways because of how it all came together. Almost poetic. ]
The previous god did a number on you.
[ Got what you wanted, but in the way that was not expected by anyone. Jacopo isn't sure where the blame or the anger should be cast here... All these events fell into place. The frustration has nowhere to go except around them, to nothing, or to someone or something they want to project.
He doesn't have an answer on what to do with Alex... He himself never was able to let go of Maria. Even though he had abandoned his past life and silenced his other friends one way or another, he sometimes still thinks about them. He thinks about when they'd often drink at the pub, listening to live music, and simply being... Happy memories turned dark after he had their heads on pikes at town square. ]
You have all the time in the world to figure your personal relationships, Gabriel. Don't feel like you need to rush into decisions on that part... God matters are god matters, while these are your matters as a man. [ WORK-LIFE SEPARATION. ] Perhaps communicating and talking with her will help you navigate through these dark waters, but don't let her push you around.
[ Only because Jacopo's best friend is the one who also throws him around like a toy. She was pushy. She was bossy. ]
I don't think I ever had a heart-to-heart with anyone after I became lord, but no one asked. [ It's hard to reconcile maybe no one cared, but the blame is that he may have been too far gone for their efforts. That's fair. ] It's something I regret that... I could have reached out, too.
[ there's silence, but the emotion is basically the equivalent of betrayal because yes. they sure did. and he does not like it. ]
See. I wanted to believe maybe God was actually good. And that maybe they'd listen this time. And apparently that was the wrong move. I know... I was right the first time. You can't always get what you want. I should have remembered that.
[ there are a lot of emotions for everyone and he doesn't know what to do or where to go with them, and he's not going to tell people not to feel them. better to do so than to let them rot and fester like he has before. the alex thing is his own problem, he knows, but it's at the forefront of his mind. he doesn't want it to be, but what else can he do? you can't just erase all of those good memories and the bond just because of this terrible tragedy. but you can't use them to excuse the problems either. so... sometimes you are just stuck. happy memories and a closeness overshadowed by anguish. ]
You're not wrong. I do have an eternity to figure shit out. [ he's unhappy about it. this wasn't the eternity he wanted. wasn't even sure he wanted eternity at all. ] I don't even know how to talk to her, I think she already went back to Hell. Or if she'll answer her phone or what. But I mean... I know you're right. God matters are God matters and I have different matters as a person but what do you do when the people you know can no longer separate them? [ he asked jacopo because he knows he has this experience too. ] If I make my decisions as God, people get hurt. If I make my decisions as me, other people get hurt. It kinda feels like nobody wins. But... I do want to talk to her. I just want to understand.
[ this is good advice though because jonas is prone to letting alex do as she pleases with him. it's alex leading and jonas following after her and now the script has changed.
he frowns with that though because he has always felt that jacopo deserved better than what he got in the end. he knows how the guy feels about himself but he doesn't entirely agree. he still thinks the potential to be good is there. ]
People should have been there for you. [ is what he settles on, because he recognizes the lonely road of trying to do better and people not understanding, and then deciding your methods aren't right. ] That why you're trying with me?
[ a tentative question but... he can't help but feel a little grateful anyway. ]
Some things are too good to be true and sometimes we get what we want in ways we don't want it.
[ Jacopo, even now, finds it hard to just... Point at god and curse them. To blame and be angry with the divine. It doesn't feel actionable. It feels out of his control. Somehow, this makes you feel you have more agency and power when you blame yourself instead. ]
You must know because you're not a child, [ more like just old enough ] but you cannot make everyone happy. Regardless of how you mean well, or if your decisions will benefit the whole, it's simply impossible. You'll have to get used to it.
People will strip you of your humanity... You're meant to serve, but do not blame them. They have their hardships as you have yours which they will forget, but the difference is that you wield power to change the course of their lives. Like now, when you were so gracious to give them a free pass to paradise. [ In a tone that is like "you should have not done that." ] ... It's important to not forget yourself.
And I think that she helps you remember who you are, but... Moderation. Approach when you feel ready, understand, then everything else can come after.
[ He isn't sure if that's good. If that's bad. Or if Alex and Jonas will just be very bad for each other, but he does think Jonas should try to understand. ANYWAY, it's tsundere hours, though not fiercely. Jacopo thinks it's too late for him, but he isn't here to pick a fight. Not when Jonas looks like HE'S DYING. ]
Don't get ahead of yourself.
[ It is... Being there for people is what he's trying to do, has been trying to do. As usual, with little confidence despite his smile faking it well, he doesn't know, in spite of all efforts, if it has amounted to anything. What he has is a feeling that is more than just a shape now and the desire for better.
Better for everyone. Better for people he cares deeply for. Better for people who are like him. ]
But you should consider hiring me as an advisor when I find myself back in Heaven.
[ Because he will be back, he thinks. He just isn't sure when... But they have all the time in the world, don't they? Something he never considered with the afterlife, even though... As of late, the effects make him wonder what truly waits for him.
It's not silence. Not nothing. They're murmurs of something waiting for him, but—that's something he'll challenge when he meets these obstacles. He just knows one day he'll come back. ]
[ "My mom was Methodist, my dad…kinda didn’t care, but… tonight’s kind of… I guess I’m just realizing a lot of it’s rubbed off on me more than I thought. Uh. ‘Faith discerns the things of God?’ I heard that a lot as a kid, and it’s been on my mind tonight. Some aspects of it just, uh, help me, I guess, day to day. A little. Just the, um… that everything-- not that everything “happens for a reason” or whatever, but just that... some things are inevitable."
"Things never really work out the way you want, you know?"
these are both sentiments he'd shared with alex before, and he still kind of feels a way about them. hearing jacopo say the same kind of makes him go "yes, okay, reaffirmed, understood." so he settles on nodding along... and he's right, he's not a child. he understands he can't make everyone happy, but. ]
Maybe it's the whole "meaning well" thing that's getting to me. Like... because of today, people think I don't anymore. Like this was all for my own gain and that's not... I don't want to be that kind of god. I never did. [ but that's also true. people are going to put him on a pedestal in a positive and negative way. he's meant to serve and fix and guide, and everyone has hardships. he hears the tone though an raises an eyebrow. yes, yes, he knows. ]
Not to get, like, super existential right now but I definitely lost the thread of who I'm supposed to be a while ago. It's been months since I've even used my own name, let alone told any of you much about me. I know that the past isn't the only thing that makes up a person, but... it's what I have left from my old life. I don't know how to be something else. And with Alex, it's like... she knows that person. She knows me better than anybody else, and it's both a good thing and a dangerous thing now. I don't want to...
[ well. he doesn't continue that thread, and instead he looks at him for a moment. he's stubborn, so he does think everyone can still be saved. ]
If that's what you wanted, you know I'd hire you in a heartbeat. [ it's meant to be a joke but it's a touch too painfully sincere, because to him, jacopo has in fact been something good and grounding and better, even with the stress that's come with navigating who he is as a person. ] I'm not gonna tie you to me when you come back. If you change your mind by the time you return and decide "no, I don't actually want to deal with this dumbass", like, no pressure. But... you've done more for me than I think you get. And more than I think you're ready to hear, so... thank you. I still stand by what I said, and I do still think you deserve more than you'd let yourself want after all of this. So until you come back, I want to do what I can to give you the best second chance I can. As long as you tell me all about it later.
I haven't heard my own name from someone else's mouth in two years—[ When Gratien, the man he thought was his comrade, appeared and poisoned his drink. ] until here.
[ As much as Odilon, his advisor, genuinely cared for him... It was also in his advice to discard his name, his life, and his time in the lord's manor he had only ever been called "Lord." He had gotten used to it.
Jacopo had only heard his name in his own voice sounded in his mind. ]
... What's your name?
[ He thinks it might be better to start with this first before continuing. ]
[ given what he knows, he thinks it makes sense even if he doesn't like it. so he frowns a little in response. ]
Probably should've asked then what you really wanted to go by. [ does not regret though? sir that's (probably) your name, and you should own it. but he's quiet like he's deciding before he shrugs. sure. someone may as well know, even if alex said it out loud, he doesn't expect anyone to have noticed or registered it. also it means something more to give it himself, he thinks. ]
[ Better to exchange than to assume you can use what other people call you, right? Whoops. It's fine... It's better for Jacopo to hear his name and remember who he actually is, even though he had been resistant before. Identity... Is a rough thing.
Hopefully, this can feel like an act of autonomy. He stands up and walks over to the throne, offering a hand to shake. ]
I prefer Jacopo now. [ It worked out and it is his name, regardless if he remembers where it came from. ] It's good to know you, Jonas.
[ this whole game, beating jacopo's name into his head. identity is rough and so is regaining autonomy. so maybe this will help both of them. there's a flicker of surprise when he sees jacopo get up, but there's also a faint grin when he notices why. he can entertain the idea just fine. the hand not holding the cigarette extends and goes with the handshake. ]
Good to know you, too. [ a pause. ] I'm glad for it, in spite of all this.
[ Sometimes you're like wow... Right... My name, but this time in someone's voice, weird. Who am I?
They have a solid handshake even though this isn't their first time meeting. Not their first time with introductions, but it means something. Just a little. ]
I'd be rotting somewhere in the field getting picked at by birds and eaten by maggots, if it wasn't for this project. Not that I'd have issues with that. [ He deserves it, he knows. ] It's... Been a journey, I suppose, to remember who I used to be. Strange how genuine it feels, even if it's some pieces. All without pretending.
[ Maybe he should use less words. It has been his problem before. ]
So... I'm glad, too. In spite of all this.
[ The nightmares, the terrors, the paranoia, the distrust, the reopened trauma, everything that plagued him—he survived that before. So it's fine. He got something out of this, even if this wasn't his choice. Might not ever made this choice, actually.
But sometimes he needs choices made for him, like this. ]
[ both of them as the dog in the mirror tbh. it does mean something though, in a sense of how it means they're both kind of reclaiming an identity they were stripped of to assume their specific positions of power. it helps knowing someone relates even when the relation is bad.
reasonably he knows this. he knows people would absolutely just be dead without the project and he thinks about what uruha said when they met face to face. he can't exactly regret trying. not when it means people get a second shot. even people like jacopo who don't think they deserve a new chance or initially didn't want it... it's deserved. ]
I can't say I'm mad you aren't being eaten by maggots, you know. Kind of against it. But... I get it. We've talked about this and how we got here. How it's weird to untangle everything in the end... I know it's probably never all going to be fixed. But maybe it's a little easier now. For both of us.
[ but he tilts his head because he knows there are things that jacopo still has to do. ]
When you're ready. I'll still help you find her. And you know I'm gonna back you up on what you want to do next. [ the only time he'd actively say no is if it'd hurt a lot of other people or jacopo himself too badly. but he does trust him. ]
[ And that's better than being stuck? Or at least he thinks so. He doesn't think that Jonas is quite feeling that he can press forward with confidence, but it's good to know that they can keep pressing forward. Why settle staying in the same place?
For Morgana, he doesn't think he'll be dallying... Even with the bad omen he's been getting, he's resolved. He settles against the armrest that Jonas isn't using, arms crossed. ]
... Anyway, I don't know what you'd gain from all of this except for ego, not that you can reap any from it. You'd also need to have some esteem in the first place.
[ Because, you know, Satan came in to ruin it all... And so many people have such conflicted feelings about it. Jacopo does not envy this position at all. The last part is also unnecessary. Sorry. ]
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[ Jacopo can't really say he's scarred for life... because he's dead, but the wording is similar to how he feels. There were old wounds that were reopened because of shenanigans and it had been hard on him. It had twisted a bond he had.
It's a hard place to be. ]
Regardless of trust, there shouldn't be any breaches.
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There won't be any breaches. After this, I probably won't run this again until I figure out a better formula. I still do think second chances are worth it, but... there are a lot of things I would change. I'm sorry.
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I'm not asking for an apology. I just wanted to talk to you.
[ Like normal and regular. ]
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...I think I'm kind of having trouble separating me from the whole God thing. [ so. he doesn't quite say sorry again, but the vibe is there. ] I'm fine with talking about... you know. Whatever. Like usual.
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[ He is godless... And I don't know. Maybe he heard Jacopo talk to other people about how he doesn't care much about god's opinion on him, that he isn't someone who needs the divine's graces.
He cares more about people. ]
You can forget about solutions and changes for now. They can wait for a moment.
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Probably doesn't hurt that I was just a man until, like, recently. [ as if there was some doubt, but he really is having to cope further with the gravity of being god for the next... however long. but jacopo says "they can wait" and there's something about that where the tension sort of drains out of him. an emotion of letting go, maybe, a soft pang of gratitude. ]
... gotta admit. I don't really know what to do right now if I'm not thinking about solutions and changes. [ it's a joke, but also no, he's at a loss on a lot of things. ]
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Just a man now.
[ He thinks to himself that maybe when he was lord he should have afforded himself similar moments... But he would have same exact thoughts Jonas is having RIGHT NOW. It is very funny.
He takes a seat at the front pew, arms crossed and elbow propped on the armrest. Not very churchgoer pious. ]
Spilling it all so you can start with a fresh mind and light heart might be worthwhile.
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so. there's a snort. ]
Let's not be too optimistic here. [ he is pretty convinced he will never have a light heart again with all of this and knowing how many things are in his hands, but he's at least willing to try. and so... ] She's who I've been looking for this whole time. I didn't think this would be how I found her. I don't know how to feel about that part of it, but sort of feels like people already decided for me. How I should, anyway.
[ and he doesn't blame any of these people but it was a lot all at once when he was already struggling to process his own thoughts. ]
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Stay ever high heart, Odilon said. When did he stop listening to that advice? When did he start twisting it? ]
There will always be the ground and the ceiling of expectations, but it is optimistic. [ Going to hope they can at least not be on the ground here. ] The one you left behind, right? That makes it all very complicated.
Are you at least a little relieved to see her? Aside from the anger and frustration that she trampled on a project you put your all in.
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... of course I am. [ which does make this complicated. ] But at the same time, she died, too. Alone. A while ago, I guess, but I don't entirely know how the loops work. I don't know how relieved I can be knowing this is what's happened to her, and knowing that because of it she caused so much damage. [ so in a sense this is still his fault. ] ... she was sort of like a best friend. The way things went. I don't know if I'm allowed to be a little relieved to see her when I don't know what to do with her.
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Though, it's quite a long string from someone probably died because of me, so this shit with my project happened. It makes sense to him because he also stupidly blames himself first. ]
... I was relieved to see my best friend when we finally saw each other, even though she came at me with a knife.
[ what can you do, you know? ]
Emotions can be controlled, but they come and go as they please whether you want them to or not. Good for you to have a tight grip when you're working.
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It's... hard not to, right? Because you spent so long wondering if they're okay, and even if things are obviously bad or they're ready to kill you instead, at least you know they're still there. [ little fucked up, but it is what it is. emotions sure do come and go without permission though and he frowns softly as he listens. ]
Am I working right now? [ jacopo literally told him to stop thinking about stuff involving his job for a moment but he's still very in his head of "am I actually allowed to feel things without it being held in regards of me being a god." ] Not being able to control them while I'm playing God is a recipe for disaster. And we already had a disaster. So. I'm trying.
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[ But he doesn't want to think about what he had. There's nothing left for him, after all. Even at the end of everything here, nothing changes there's nothing and no one to return to. That is what happens when you burn and ruin everything. ]
It's hard to abandon sentiments is what I learned too late, or at least it was hard for me.
[ There are people who are better at it. He could make the decisions and choices to put the betterment and progress of people and life over what and who matters most to him, but it was never easy. It poisoned him slowly, killing a piece of him each time. There was no one left, his own doing, and so he had to try to pick up his own broken pieces.
He thinks that Jonas may be the same... And that would mean he's ill fit for this job by his lonesome. ]
You're not. [ Gestures with a hand. ] Outside work talk, including the comments about work. I know you're trying and can see it.
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... I need to let her go. [ is what it boils down to. but it also means "i don't know how to", which doesn't help anyone. ] But it's hard when she's the reason I said yes to staying here. I wanted to give you all a second chance, but God had said that if I did something good with this and showed them why I believed in this, they would help me find an answer to something else.
[ the something else being "where is alex." but anyhow, jacopo is correct. jonas can be calculative and manipulative if he has to be and he can make choices that aren't great, but he doesn't like to. he doesn't like having to pick and choose and sacrifice things or people, and it's where he's trying to figure out everything. it might be easier if he had a support system, maybe, but he doesn't want to ask any of the people leaving, and... yeah. he'll be by himself, so he should probably figure it out. pick up your own broken pieces again.
but jacopo says "i know you're trying" and he takes a breath because it means a lot, for one, and it's hard to grasp, for another. trying isn't always good enough, but he wants it to be. even if it means trying harder. ]
... I guess... I should rephrase it as "I don't know what to do, period." It's not like I've ever been a God before. I still don't totally get why they chose me. [ though, thinking about it, he vaguely wonders if it's because the axolotl already knew about alex and did not think this would go as poorly as it did. which is annoying. but whatever. ]
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The previous god did a number on you.
[ Got what you wanted, but in the way that was not expected by anyone. Jacopo isn't sure where the blame or the anger should be cast here... All these events fell into place. The frustration has nowhere to go except around them, to nothing, or to someone or something they want to project.
He doesn't have an answer on what to do with Alex... He himself never was able to let go of Maria. Even though he had abandoned his past life and silenced his other friends one way or another, he sometimes still thinks about them. He thinks about when they'd often drink at the pub, listening to live music, and simply being... Happy memories turned dark after he had their heads on pikes at town square. ]
You have all the time in the world to figure your personal relationships, Gabriel. Don't feel like you need to rush into decisions on that part... God matters are god matters, while these are your matters as a man. [ WORK-LIFE SEPARATION. ] Perhaps communicating and talking with her will help you navigate through these dark waters, but don't let her push you around.
[ Only because Jacopo's best friend is the one who also throws him around like a toy. She was pushy. She was bossy. ]
I don't think I ever had a heart-to-heart with anyone after I became lord, but no one asked. [ It's hard to reconcile maybe no one cared, but the blame is that he may have been too far gone for their efforts. That's fair. ] It's something I regret that... I could have reached out, too.
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See. I wanted to believe maybe God was actually good. And that maybe they'd listen this time. And apparently that was the wrong move. I know... I was right the first time. You can't always get what you want. I should have remembered that.
[ there are a lot of emotions for everyone and he doesn't know what to do or where to go with them, and he's not going to tell people not to feel them. better to do so than to let them rot and fester like he has before. the alex thing is his own problem, he knows, but it's at the forefront of his mind. he doesn't want it to be, but what else can he do? you can't just erase all of those good memories and the bond just because of this terrible tragedy. but you can't use them to excuse the problems either. so... sometimes you are just stuck. happy memories and a closeness overshadowed by anguish. ]
You're not wrong. I do have an eternity to figure shit out. [ he's unhappy about it. this wasn't the eternity he wanted. wasn't even sure he wanted eternity at all. ] I don't even know how to talk to her, I think she already went back to Hell. Or if she'll answer her phone or what. But I mean... I know you're right. God matters are God matters and I have different matters as a person but what do you do when the people you know can no longer separate them? [ he asked jacopo because he knows he has this experience too. ] If I make my decisions as God, people get hurt. If I make my decisions as me, other people get hurt. It kinda feels like nobody wins. But... I do want to talk to her. I just want to understand.
[ this is good advice though because jonas is prone to letting alex do as she pleases with him. it's alex leading and jonas following after her and now the script has changed.
he frowns with that though because he has always felt that jacopo deserved better than what he got in the end. he knows how the guy feels about himself but he doesn't entirely agree. he still thinks the potential to be good is there. ]
People should have been there for you. [ is what he settles on, because he recognizes the lonely road of trying to do better and people not understanding, and then deciding your methods aren't right. ] That why you're trying with me?
[ a tentative question but... he can't help but feel a little grateful anyway. ]
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[ Jacopo, even now, finds it hard to just... Point at god and curse them. To blame and be angry with the divine. It doesn't feel actionable. It feels out of his control. Somehow, this makes you feel you have more agency and power when you blame yourself instead. ]
You must know because you're not a child, [ more like just old enough ] but you cannot make everyone happy. Regardless of how you mean well, or if your decisions will benefit the whole, it's simply impossible. You'll have to get used to it.
People will strip you of your humanity... You're meant to serve, but do not blame them. They have their hardships as you have yours which they will forget, but the difference is that you wield power to change the course of their lives. Like now, when you were so gracious to give them a free pass to paradise. [ In a tone that is like "you should have not done that." ] ... It's important to not forget yourself.
And I think that she helps you remember who you are, but... Moderation. Approach when you feel ready, understand, then everything else can come after.
[ He isn't sure if that's good. If that's bad. Or if Alex and Jonas will just be very bad for each other, but he does think Jonas should try to understand. ANYWAY, it's tsundere hours, though not fiercely. Jacopo thinks it's too late for him, but he isn't here to pick a fight. Not when Jonas looks like HE'S DYING. ]
Don't get ahead of yourself.
[ It is... Being there for people is what he's trying to do, has been trying to do. As usual, with little confidence despite his smile faking it well, he doesn't know, in spite of all efforts, if it has amounted to anything. What he has is a feeling that is more than just a shape now and the desire for better.
Better for everyone. Better for people he cares deeply for. Better for people who are like him. ]
But you should consider hiring me as an advisor when I find myself back in Heaven.
[ Because he will be back, he thinks. He just isn't sure when... But they have all the time in the world, don't they? Something he never considered with the afterlife, even though... As of late, the effects make him wonder what truly waits for him.
It's not silence. Not nothing. They're murmurs of something waiting for him, but—that's something he'll challenge when he meets these obstacles. He just knows one day he'll come back. ]
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"Things never really work out the way you want, you know?"
these are both sentiments he'd shared with alex before, and he still kind of feels a way about them. hearing jacopo say the same kind of makes him go "yes, okay, reaffirmed, understood." so he settles on nodding along... and he's right, he's not a child. he understands he can't make everyone happy, but. ]
Maybe it's the whole "meaning well" thing that's getting to me. Like... because of today, people think I don't anymore. Like this was all for my own gain and that's not... I don't want to be that kind of god. I never did. [ but that's also true. people are going to put him on a pedestal in a positive and negative way. he's meant to serve and fix and guide, and everyone has hardships. he hears the tone though an raises an eyebrow. yes, yes, he knows. ]
Not to get, like, super existential right now but I definitely lost the thread of who I'm supposed to be a while ago. It's been months since I've even used my own name, let alone told any of you much about me. I know that the past isn't the only thing that makes up a person, but... it's what I have left from my old life. I don't know how to be something else. And with Alex, it's like... she knows that person. She knows me better than anybody else, and it's both a good thing and a dangerous thing now. I don't want to...
[ well. he doesn't continue that thread, and instead he looks at him for a moment. he's stubborn, so he does think everyone can still be saved. ]
If that's what you wanted, you know I'd hire you in a heartbeat. [ it's meant to be a joke but it's a touch too painfully sincere, because to him, jacopo has in fact been something good and grounding and better, even with the stress that's come with navigating who he is as a person. ] I'm not gonna tie you to me when you come back. If you change your mind by the time you return and decide "no, I don't actually want to deal with this dumbass", like, no pressure. But... you've done more for me than I think you get. And more than I think you're ready to hear, so... thank you. I still stand by what I said, and I do still think you deserve more than you'd let yourself want after all of this. So until you come back, I want to do what I can to give you the best second chance I can. As long as you tell me all about it later.
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[ As much as Odilon, his advisor, genuinely cared for him... It was also in his advice to discard his name, his life, and his time in the lord's manor he had only ever been called "Lord." He had gotten used to it.
Jacopo had only heard his name in his own voice sounded in his mind. ]
... What's your name?
[ He thinks it might be better to start with this first before continuing. ]
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Probably should've asked then what you really wanted to go by. [ does not regret though? sir that's (probably) your name, and you should own it. but he's quiet like he's deciding before he shrugs. sure. someone may as well know, even if alex said it out loud, he doesn't expect anyone to have noticed or registered it. also it means something more to give it himself, he thinks. ]
It's Jonas.
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Hopefully, this can feel like an act of autonomy. He stands up and walks over to the throne, offering a hand to shake. ]
I prefer Jacopo now. [ It worked out and it is his name, regardless if he remembers where it came from. ] It's good to know you, Jonas.
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Good to know you, too. [ a pause. ] I'm glad for it, in spite of all this.
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They have a solid handshake even though this isn't their first time meeting. Not their first time with introductions, but it means something. Just a little. ]
I'd be rotting somewhere in the field getting picked at by birds and eaten by maggots, if it wasn't for this project. Not that I'd have issues with that. [ He deserves it, he knows. ] It's... Been a journey, I suppose, to remember who I used to be. Strange how genuine it feels, even if it's some pieces. All without pretending.
[ Maybe he should use less words. It has been his problem before. ]
So... I'm glad, too. In spite of all this.
[ The nightmares, the terrors, the paranoia, the distrust, the reopened trauma, everything that plagued him—he survived that before. So it's fine. He got something out of this, even if this wasn't his choice. Might not ever made this choice, actually.
But sometimes he needs choices made for him, like this. ]
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reasonably he knows this. he knows people would absolutely just be dead without the project and he thinks about what uruha said when they met face to face. he can't exactly regret trying. not when it means people get a second shot. even people like jacopo who don't think they deserve a new chance or initially didn't want it... it's deserved. ]
I can't say I'm mad you aren't being eaten by maggots, you know. Kind of against it. But... I get it. We've talked about this and how we got here. How it's weird to untangle everything in the end... I know it's probably never all going to be fixed. But maybe it's a little easier now. For both of us.
[ but he tilts his head because he knows there are things that jacopo still has to do. ]
When you're ready. I'll still help you find her. And you know I'm gonna back you up on what you want to do next. [ the only time he'd actively say no is if it'd hurt a lot of other people or jacopo himself too badly. but he does trust him. ]
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[ And that's better than being stuck? Or at least he thinks so. He doesn't think that Jonas is quite feeling that he can press forward with confidence, but it's good to know that they can keep pressing forward. Why settle staying in the same place?
For Morgana, he doesn't think he'll be dallying... Even with the bad omen he's been getting, he's resolved. He settles against the armrest that Jonas isn't using, arms crossed. ]
... Anyway, I don't know what you'd gain from all of this except for ego, not that you can reap any from it. You'd also need to have some esteem in the first place.
[ Because, you know, Satan came in to ruin it all... And so many people have such conflicted feelings about it. Jacopo does not envy this position at all. The last part is also unnecessary. Sorry. ]
You trailed off earlier.
[ When he was talking about Alex. ]
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