He's pretty docile. After somebody killed one of the lions in the arena, he showed up here. Figured I'll take him back to be with his kind next week though.
[ well they feel awful about it as well for other reasons but we're not addressing those right now. ]
Yeah. I can do neutral. I'd hope everybody's glad the murder parts have ended. That was never supposed to be a thing. But... the end of a failed project's kind of something to look forward to. People are probably excited to start planning the next phase of their lives.
They are. Many are thinking about what they're going to do after this, even though it isn't over quite yet. [ ... ] You'd tell me if you're not doing or feeling well, right?
It's not wrong to be thinking about it. There are a ton of factors in everything... you've got your worlds and your lives and the people from home and the people here. I don't blame anybody for not being sure yet.
[ anyway they stare at him for a second. this feels very pointed suddenly... ]
... I don't know. [ if they would or wouldn't. ] I think I'm just tired. [ tired. stressed. anxious. depressed. all of those fun ones. ] But we're almost done. You guys are close to the finish line on this one, and that's a good thing.
[ the thing is you're considered an adult at 16 for him... so he'd be like oh you're a bit young for this, but sure... because jacopo himself led a slave revolt at 19.
however it makes a lot of sense why you're crumbling BUT he does not know this 18 yo is god ]
... Is it really abrupt? I don't always want to tell you when I'm feeling godshit awful, but I end up saying it.
You know I've seen you at some of your lowest points, remember? I want better for you than just "surviving it."
But you're right. It's useless, because it changes nothing, and all you're left with is an empty feeling that maybe what you're feeling isn't enough for other people to pay attention.
[ I know you do. He knows you want so much for people and not much for yourself, idiot. ]
... For myself, it was intertwined with making decisions I thought were best for the populace. They didn't need to understand me. I was lord, so my word was final and they had to live with it. There was uncertainty if my choices were the right ones, if it will be good for the people. If the better that comes after the worse will come, or if it will be worse and worse.
It would have changed nothing if they understood.
[ ... ]
But as you said, there is a void. [ From when Gratien betrayed him, then another where his best friend did the same. ] ... It grows over time and that's not what I want for you.
... [ well. this feels a little familiar in a lot of ways. ]
You can do all sorts of things trying to be the best for other people, but it's a pretty lonely place to be when nobody seems to realize what you're actually thinking or how much you might actually care about the outcome.
I think the void and I have been acquainted since my mom died. [ just. says this faintly. ] Nothing's been able to fix it, and every decision I've made since right before that and after that has been worse and worse. And it finally grew enough that I let it kill me.
[ it probably is an important thing because he's never outright said it before. maybe out of avoidance. maybe to keep some distance between him and everyone in this project. maybe because i knew that would be a dead giveaway. he allows the support hold and seems to be staring at the hand without really seeing it. ]
Thanks. [ he thinks on this and decides... fine, it's okay. ] It hadn't even been a year before I came here. And... [ no, never mind. ] Anyway, the void spat me out here, somehow. Or God found me in the void and brought me here. One of the two.
Not really? [ he can admit that much, because while he hasn't actively told anyone how he feels about it he has been struggling on and off for a while. ] ... I did something really stupid and got arrested while she was in the hospital. And she died before I was released. I never got to actually make things right by her in a way that she wouldn't die disappointed in me, I think. [ it's a very vague summary of everything, but he figures jacopo wouldn't need to or understand the nuances of modern world stuff anyway. ]
The place we moved to was nice enough. I was only there for about a day before I died though, so... maybe I would've liked it, or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I never really knew how to feel.
[ You are going through a lot, Jonas. You are spilling your heart out and Jacopo is listening, though he's also like... "I am incredibly ill-equipped for comfort." Maybe when he was a better man, he'd know what to say, even if it was awkwardly. There are still the pieces that tell him it isn't worth shit, but... He can see Gabriel's struggle and his pain vividly enough. He wants to give something to placate some of that hurt. ]
It's difficult to find a place to belong, isn't it. Or a place to feel safe.
[ Because it sounds like Gabriel is displaced. Of course he relates... Jacopo's life had been turbulent in similar ways where he's forced to move elsewhere, abandon his life multiple times, pick himself up. Sometimes, you're lost? ]
You're here now, which I don't think has at all helped you.
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[ Jacopo is like as long as it doesn't bother me when I need to be unbothered, then great. ]
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[ when everyone is gone. ]
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[ So Jacopo thinks it'll be okay? ]
How are you feeling about the end...?
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Maybe I'll keep him anyway. If the project's over soon I'll be out of a bartending gig anyway. Maybe just take him and go somewhere else.
[ much to consider. but anyhow... ]
Do you mean about all of your chances? Or in general?
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[ !! Because you're good at it. ]
In general. I can ask everyone else's opinion about their stay here.
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[ as for the rest... ]
I'm... feeling. That's about it. [ which is to say they're undecided. ] It's coming up pretty fast. It's a good thing for you guys.
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[ That's fine. ]
I think most people are simply glad that the murder parts have ended. The end of the project is also good.
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Yeah. I can do neutral. I'd hope everybody's glad the murder parts have ended. That was never supposed to be a thing. But... the end of a failed project's kind of something to look forward to. People are probably excited to start planning the next phase of their lives.
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They are. Many are thinking about what they're going to do after this, even though it isn't over quite yet. [ ... ] You'd tell me if you're not doing or feeling well, right?
[ Just making sure. ]
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[ anyway they stare at him for a second. this feels very pointed suddenly... ]
... I don't know. [ if they would or wouldn't. ] I think I'm just tired. [ tired. stressed. anxious. depressed. all of those fun ones. ] But we're almost done. You guys are close to the finish line on this one, and that's a good thing.
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Well, I think you should.
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[ SO FUNNY ]
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I... guess? [ he is also so fucking confused. ] Seems kinda abrupt don't you think?
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however it makes a lot of sense why you're crumbling BUT he does not know this 18 yo is god ]
... Is it really abrupt? I don't always want to tell you when I'm feeling godshit awful, but I end up saying it.
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[ ...
...
well. ]
I think I gave up telling people because I realized after a while either they weren't listening or it didn't matter.
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[ You know, you have to pull yourself through. Push through. But.... You still spill sometimes. ]
I've felt that way before. Sometimes, it's useless to explain yourself. It changes nothing.
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But you're right. It's useless, because it changes nothing, and all you're left with is an empty feeling that maybe what you're feeling isn't enough for other people to pay attention.
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... For myself, it was intertwined with making decisions I thought were best for the populace. They didn't need to understand me. I was lord, so my word was final and they had to live with it. There was uncertainty if my choices were the right ones, if it will be good for the people. If the better that comes after the worse will come, or if it will be worse and worse.
It would have changed nothing if they understood.
[ ... ]
But as you said, there is a void. [ From when Gratien betrayed him, then another where his best friend did the same. ] ... It grows over time and that's not what I want for you.
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You can do all sorts of things trying to be the best for other people, but it's a pretty lonely place to be when nobody seems to realize what you're actually thinking or how much you might actually care about the outcome.
I think the void and I have been acquainted since my mom died. [ just. says this faintly. ] Nothing's been able to fix it, and every decision I've made since right before that and after that has been worse and worse. And it finally grew enough that I let it kill me.
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[ This, to him, feels like the most important part of the response... There was more, he was listening, but he feels this should be said first.
He's still holding onto their wrist, secure and though gentle. Supportive. ]
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maybe because i knew that would be a dead giveaway. he allows the support hold and seems to be staring at the hand without really seeing it. ]Thanks. [ he thinks on this and decides... fine, it's okay. ] It hadn't even been a year before I came here. And... [ no, never mind. ] Anyway, the void spat me out here, somehow. Or God found me in the void and brought me here. One of the two.
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I knew it was stressful, but... It's been a turbulent transition for you. I don't know if you got the time to mourn and grieve as you should.
[ One year doesn't mean anything, really. One year you could have spent it on coping extremely poorly. ]
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... while I was gone though, after she passed, my dad met someone else. Fell in love and decided to get married again and move us to a new town to be with his new fiancée. When I got out, I came home and found my room in boxes. Wasn't much of a choice but to keep going like... I don't know. Like nothing happened, and I was just supposed to pretend to be totally fine with the fact he not only went somewhere else entirely and met someone else but that he also changed our entire lives while making it very clear he no longer trusted me.
The place we moved to was nice enough. I was only there for about a day before I died though, so... maybe I would've liked it, or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I never really knew how to feel.
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It's difficult to find a place to belong, isn't it. Or a place to feel safe.
[ Because it sounds like Gabriel is displaced. Of course he relates... Jacopo's life had been turbulent in similar ways where he's forced to move elsewhere, abandon his life multiple times, pick himself up. Sometimes, you're lost? ]
You're here now, which I don't think has at all helped you.
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