[ well they feel awful about it as well for other reasons but we're not addressing those right now. ]
Yeah. I can do neutral. I'd hope everybody's glad the murder parts have ended. That was never supposed to be a thing. But... the end of a failed project's kind of something to look forward to. People are probably excited to start planning the next phase of their lives.
They are. Many are thinking about what they're going to do after this, even though it isn't over quite yet. [ ... ] You'd tell me if you're not doing or feeling well, right?
It's not wrong to be thinking about it. There are a ton of factors in everything... you've got your worlds and your lives and the people from home and the people here. I don't blame anybody for not being sure yet.
[ anyway they stare at him for a second. this feels very pointed suddenly... ]
... I don't know. [ if they would or wouldn't. ] I think I'm just tired. [ tired. stressed. anxious. depressed. all of those fun ones. ] But we're almost done. You guys are close to the finish line on this one, and that's a good thing.
[ the thing is you're considered an adult at 16 for him... so he'd be like oh you're a bit young for this, but sure... because jacopo himself led a slave revolt at 19.
however it makes a lot of sense why you're crumbling BUT he does not know this 18 yo is god ]
... Is it really abrupt? I don't always want to tell you when I'm feeling godshit awful, but I end up saying it.
You know I've seen you at some of your lowest points, remember? I want better for you than just "surviving it."
But you're right. It's useless, because it changes nothing, and all you're left with is an empty feeling that maybe what you're feeling isn't enough for other people to pay attention.
[ I know you do. He knows you want so much for people and not much for yourself, idiot. ]
... For myself, it was intertwined with making decisions I thought were best for the populace. They didn't need to understand me. I was lord, so my word was final and they had to live with it. There was uncertainty if my choices were the right ones, if it will be good for the people. If the better that comes after the worse will come, or if it will be worse and worse.
It would have changed nothing if they understood.
[ ... ]
But as you said, there is a void. [ From when Gratien betrayed him, then another where his best friend did the same. ] ... It grows over time and that's not what I want for you.
... [ well. this feels a little familiar in a lot of ways. ]
You can do all sorts of things trying to be the best for other people, but it's a pretty lonely place to be when nobody seems to realize what you're actually thinking or how much you might actually care about the outcome.
I think the void and I have been acquainted since my mom died. [ just. says this faintly. ] Nothing's been able to fix it, and every decision I've made since right before that and after that has been worse and worse. And it finally grew enough that I let it kill me.
[ it probably is an important thing because he's never outright said it before. maybe out of avoidance. maybe to keep some distance between him and everyone in this project. maybe because i knew that would be a dead giveaway. he allows the support hold and seems to be staring at the hand without really seeing it. ]
Thanks. [ he thinks on this and decides... fine, it's okay. ] It hadn't even been a year before I came here. And... [ no, never mind. ] Anyway, the void spat me out here, somehow. Or God found me in the void and brought me here. One of the two.
Not really? [ he can admit that much, because while he hasn't actively told anyone how he feels about it he has been struggling on and off for a while. ] ... I did something really stupid and got arrested while she was in the hospital. And she died before I was released. I never got to actually make things right by her in a way that she wouldn't die disappointed in me, I think. [ it's a very vague summary of everything, but he figures jacopo wouldn't need to or understand the nuances of modern world stuff anyway. ]
... while I was gone though, after she passed, my dad met someone else. Fell in love and decided to get married again and move us to a new town to be with his new fiancée. When I got out, I came home and found my room in boxes. Wasn't much of a choice but to keep going like... I don't know. Like nothing happened, and I was just supposed to pretend to be totally fine with the fact he not only went somewhere else entirely and met someone else but that he also changed our entire lives while making it very clear he no longer trusted me.
The place we moved to was nice enough. I was only there for about a day before I died though, so... maybe I would've liked it, or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I never really knew how to feel.
[ You are going through a lot, Jonas. You are spilling your heart out and Jacopo is listening, though he's also like... "I am incredibly ill-equipped for comfort." Maybe when he was a better man, he'd know what to say, even if it was awkwardly. There are still the pieces that tell him it isn't worth shit, but... He can see Gabriel's struggle and his pain vividly enough. He wants to give something to placate some of that hurt. ]
It's difficult to find a place to belong, isn't it. Or a place to feel safe.
[ Because it sounds like Gabriel is displaced. Of course he relates... Jacopo's life had been turbulent in similar ways where he's forced to move elsewhere, abandon his life multiple times, pick himself up. Sometimes, you're lost? ]
You're here now, which I don't think has at all helped you.
[ hilariously he's telling jacopo this because he knows the man isn't going to give him pleasant platitudes and words of comfort. he's just going to listen and unfortunately understand without trying to say this has nothing to do with how they got here, and maybe that's what he wants right now. people like yves have wanted him to share for a long time and he's afraid of the response. jacopo is reasonable and still saying the things gabriel needs and wants to hear.
because yes. that's what it boils down to. he'd told someone he wanted to go home without actually wanting to go home, and they said "it sounds like you want somewhere warm and safe", and yeah. that's it. ]
Kinda feels like I got kicked out of my own life. And even then it's like... I couldn't bring myself to care about it anymore when it felt like nobody else did either. Maybe if I had goals or if I was smart or if I could do something other than destroy my own life I'd feel differently. And... yeah. Coming here didn't help.
[ ... ]
I didn't know what to do about the move, but... there was someone I met. We were supposed to figure out how to get along, and I know she didn't want me around that night because she basically had to be a glorified babysitter to make sure my ass didn't get in trouble immediately. But she was still cool about it? We... went to this island with a couple of her friends. And then shit went bad, and then really bad, but even at its worst we were together. Ghosts, you know? Kinda ruin the mood. But we talked a lot that night, exploring the island and trying to find our way off while getting possessed and watching people die and just... bad. It was bad. But she made it better. We made a really good team, and I think she could have been...
[ trailing off, he stops for a second. ]
I left her behind. I did something stupid, and the ghosts closed in, and I fell into the void and died. I left her alone. [ a regret. ] I thought that was it, but then God found me. You know the rest. Now I work here.
[ jacopo, not actually knowing the rest at the time of this thread. ]
[ In the afterlife, there's always enough time, isn't there? Jacopo believes he was meant to die, then be sent to hell, so in a way he doesn't feel... Urgency. Maybe not the same as the rest. He has nothing and no one to return to, so this doesn't feel like an entire waste of time. Employees should be set up for success.
Gabriel doesn't work for him. They're more... Like friends, as prickly as the word is for him. Friends should also be set up for success. He does not know the rest at the time of this thread. ]
I do. You're stuck with us here, watching the horrors, but... There's progress as you can see.
[ Progress is progress. Progress is important to acknowledge. ]
You actually did not need to share to such specific details. It would have been fine if you were vague like you usually are.
[ If that's more comfortable. Because ultimately... He doesn't care where people come from or who they were before, instead focusing on who they are now and how they treat him. but you must hide an npc somehow ]
Thank you for telling me all of this, though I don't think it has made you feel any lighter. [ Jacopo knows that he doesn't quite feel lighter when he talks. Sometimes it just... Stays there, the heavy sludge that fills you. He's past the point of catharsis. ] I understand better why you're the way you are and the weight on your shoulders.
[ are they still like friends even when he finds out he's god 🥺
in all seriousness... there's progress, but it's slow, and not quite the same. ]
We're making some progress. And I just have to hope it's not too late for some of you. [ because there's nothing more horrifying than wondering if these things have permanently scarred someone. like how things in his own life have permanently damaged him. ]
I know I didn't. Sorry, I... you don't have to, like, think about any of that. [ he sort of was talking for the sake of explaining, because sometimes he oscillates between not sharing at all and oversharing. ] But it's not like I don't have some trust in you by now.
You're right though. I don't. [ he admits this because he knows jacopo won't take offense to it. ] It's one of those things that I don't think will ever be lighter either. I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. But that's for me to figure out after the project's over, I guess. My current goals are focused on you guys and your redemption.
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Maybe I'll keep him anyway. If the project's over soon I'll be out of a bartending gig anyway. Maybe just take him and go somewhere else.
[ much to consider. but anyhow... ]
Do you mean about all of your chances? Or in general?
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[ !! Because you're good at it. ]
In general. I can ask everyone else's opinion about their stay here.
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[ as for the rest... ]
I'm... feeling. That's about it. [ which is to say they're undecided. ] It's coming up pretty fast. It's a good thing for you guys.
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[ That's fine. ]
I think most people are simply glad that the murder parts have ended. The end of the project is also good.
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Yeah. I can do neutral. I'd hope everybody's glad the murder parts have ended. That was never supposed to be a thing. But... the end of a failed project's kind of something to look forward to. People are probably excited to start planning the next phase of their lives.
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They are. Many are thinking about what they're going to do after this, even though it isn't over quite yet. [ ... ] You'd tell me if you're not doing or feeling well, right?
[ Just making sure. ]
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[ anyway they stare at him for a second. this feels very pointed suddenly... ]
... I don't know. [ if they would or wouldn't. ] I think I'm just tired. [ tired. stressed. anxious. depressed. all of those fun ones. ] But we're almost done. You guys are close to the finish line on this one, and that's a good thing.
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Well, I think you should.
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[ SO FUNNY ]
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I... guess? [ he is also so fucking confused. ] Seems kinda abrupt don't you think?
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however it makes a lot of sense why you're crumbling BUT he does not know this 18 yo is god ]
... Is it really abrupt? I don't always want to tell you when I'm feeling godshit awful, but I end up saying it.
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[ ...
...
well. ]
I think I gave up telling people because I realized after a while either they weren't listening or it didn't matter.
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[ You know, you have to pull yourself through. Push through. But.... You still spill sometimes. ]
I've felt that way before. Sometimes, it's useless to explain yourself. It changes nothing.
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But you're right. It's useless, because it changes nothing, and all you're left with is an empty feeling that maybe what you're feeling isn't enough for other people to pay attention.
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... For myself, it was intertwined with making decisions I thought were best for the populace. They didn't need to understand me. I was lord, so my word was final and they had to live with it. There was uncertainty if my choices were the right ones, if it will be good for the people. If the better that comes after the worse will come, or if it will be worse and worse.
It would have changed nothing if they understood.
[ ... ]
But as you said, there is a void. [ From when Gratien betrayed him, then another where his best friend did the same. ] ... It grows over time and that's not what I want for you.
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You can do all sorts of things trying to be the best for other people, but it's a pretty lonely place to be when nobody seems to realize what you're actually thinking or how much you might actually care about the outcome.
I think the void and I have been acquainted since my mom died. [ just. says this faintly. ] Nothing's been able to fix it, and every decision I've made since right before that and after that has been worse and worse. And it finally grew enough that I let it kill me.
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[ This, to him, feels like the most important part of the response... There was more, he was listening, but he feels this should be said first.
He's still holding onto their wrist, secure and though gentle. Supportive. ]
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maybe because i knew that would be a dead giveaway. he allows the support hold and seems to be staring at the hand without really seeing it. ]Thanks. [ he thinks on this and decides... fine, it's okay. ] It hadn't even been a year before I came here. And... [ no, never mind. ] Anyway, the void spat me out here, somehow. Or God found me in the void and brought me here. One of the two.
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I knew it was stressful, but... It's been a turbulent transition for you. I don't know if you got the time to mourn and grieve as you should.
[ One year doesn't mean anything, really. One year you could have spent it on coping extremely poorly. ]
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... while I was gone though, after she passed, my dad met someone else. Fell in love and decided to get married again and move us to a new town to be with his new fiancée. When I got out, I came home and found my room in boxes. Wasn't much of a choice but to keep going like... I don't know. Like nothing happened, and I was just supposed to pretend to be totally fine with the fact he not only went somewhere else entirely and met someone else but that he also changed our entire lives while making it very clear he no longer trusted me.
The place we moved to was nice enough. I was only there for about a day before I died though, so... maybe I would've liked it, or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I never really knew how to feel.
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It's difficult to find a place to belong, isn't it. Or a place to feel safe.
[ Because it sounds like Gabriel is displaced. Of course he relates... Jacopo's life had been turbulent in similar ways where he's forced to move elsewhere, abandon his life multiple times, pick himself up. Sometimes, you're lost? ]
You're here now, which I don't think has at all helped you.
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because yes. that's what it boils down to. he'd told someone he wanted to go home without actually wanting to go home, and they said "it sounds like you want somewhere warm and safe", and yeah. that's it. ]
Kinda feels like I got kicked out of my own life. And even then it's like... I couldn't bring myself to care about it anymore when it felt like nobody else did either. Maybe if I had goals or if I was smart or if I could do something other than destroy my own life I'd feel differently. And... yeah. Coming here didn't help.
[ ... ]
I didn't know what to do about the move, but... there was someone I met. We were supposed to figure out how to get along, and I know she didn't want me around that night because she basically had to be a glorified babysitter to make sure my ass didn't get in trouble immediately. But she was still cool about it? We... went to this island with a couple of her friends. And then shit went bad, and then really bad, but even at its worst we were together. Ghosts, you know? Kinda ruin the mood. But we talked a lot that night, exploring the island and trying to find our way off while getting possessed and watching people die and just... bad. It was bad. But she made it better. We made a really good team, and I think she could have been...
[ trailing off, he stops for a second. ]
I left her behind. I did something stupid, and the ghosts closed in, and I fell into the void and died. I left her alone. [ a regret. ] I thought that was it, but then God found me. You know the rest. Now I work here.
[ jacopo, not actually knowing the rest at the time of this thread. ]
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Gabriel doesn't work for him. They're more... Like friends, as prickly as the word is for him. Friends should also be set up for success. He does not know the rest at the time of this thread. ]
I do. You're stuck with us here, watching the horrors, but... There's progress as you can see.
[ Progress is progress. Progress is important to acknowledge. ]
You actually did not need to share to such specific details. It would have been fine if you were vague like you usually are.
[ If that's more comfortable. Because ultimately... He doesn't care where people come from or who they were before, instead focusing on who they are now and how they treat him. but you must hide an npc somehow ]
Thank you for telling me all of this, though I don't think it has made you feel any lighter. [ Jacopo knows that he doesn't quite feel lighter when he talks. Sometimes it just... Stays there, the heavy sludge that fills you. He's past the point of catharsis. ] I understand better why you're the way you are and the weight on your shoulders.
no subject
in all seriousness... there's progress, but it's slow, and not quite the same. ]
We're making some progress. And I just have to hope it's not too late for some of you. [ because there's nothing more horrifying than wondering if these things have permanently scarred someone. like how things in his own life have permanently damaged him. ]
I know I didn't. Sorry, I... you don't have to, like, think about any of that. [ he sort of was talking for the sake of explaining, because sometimes he oscillates between not sharing at all and oversharing. ] But it's not like I don't have some trust in you by now.
You're right though. I don't. [ he admits this because he knows jacopo won't take offense to it. ] It's one of those things that I don't think will ever be lighter either. I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. But that's for me to figure out after the project's over, I guess. My current goals are focused on you guys and your redemption.