The angels have been remarkable. Even if they're young (or seem young) and even if they haven't done this before, I knew I could trust them with this job because of the kind of people they are. They have the willingness to learn and keep reaching out to people. They have patience and kindness and the understanding to try and make this work. But they're not the kind of people to be walked all over either. All of them are stubborn and clever. And all three of them know I'm new to this. For me, it's less about admitting vulnerability and more I do not want to give the entity more of an opening. It hasn't been confirmed it knows, but I feel that publicizing it might make it more obvious and it would retaliate further. Also the responsibility thing, but we covered that.
Doesn't the entity already know? At the least, it wrote a smiley face on that portion of Charlie's letter.
I won't publicize it if you don't wish, but I do feel it may be at the least worth a discussion. After all, something must have changed, for the old God to retire, didn't it?
Likely, but not confirmed. I didn't know about Charlie's letter. It continues to be bold. I'll make a public statement before Judgment Day, at least. It's only fair. But nothing really changed. The old God wanted to retire after doing this for so long.
But it does seem as though you're trying to do things differently, in your own way. Out of a disagreement with how it was done before? Or simply to put your own mark on it?
I may be a cleric, but I don't have a lot of trust left in me for gods. I spent most of my life promises to one goddess who deceived me and threw me away, but I would say if one is putting one's faith in Shar, betrayal should not be an unexpected outcome.
The part that sticks with me, though, is Selûne. She is meant to be Shar's sister, her lighter, more virtuous other half. The two of them have warred for all time, and I know she does not have the power to directly defy Shar. But part of me did believe, if I betrayed Lady Shar for the sake of her own daughter, if I risked one goddess' wrath, I might have the protection of another goddess.
But that didn't happen. And my memories are a jumble, but it may even be... I think my family were Selûnite followers once themselves. Which is to say that she allowed one of her followers to be abducted, tortured, turned to Shar's service, and yet I am the one who must prove myself, who must make the virtuous choice, who must strike a blow in her war against Shar by defying her and bringing all of that wrath upon my head. Even though, if I am not a monster, it is because I clawed my way there despite the pain of everything she allowed to happen to me.
Selǔne is not a cruel goddess, but she is a goddess, and to both Shar and Selûne, my own life is nothing more than a point to be proved in an argument that has lasted and will lasted eons longer than I will. Maybe an important point, but I didn't ever ask to be part of this argument.
My sense is that this is how deities operate in general, even the good ones. Perhaps they must operate this way. We're too small for them to truly understand. They are fixated on what seems fair, or virtuous, or important on a cosmic level even though the only part of it I give a damn about is my life, the lives of the people around me, and merely because those things are small doesn't mean I accept having them weighed so by anyone else.
I am glad you feel so strong a sense of responsibility for us, recognize that we are the unfortunate casualties of a conflict between you and the entity. That is a refreshing change of pace, to be frank. But the fact that you are new to this is the first time I wondered whether you might actually be able to understand after all.
I'm not sure this changes anything about your views or your approach, I'm not even sure that it ought to, but I thought it important to say. I hope that you will be a different sort of god than ones that came before.
[ damn. okay. there is a very long amount of silence from the other end indicating that someone is probably reading and absorbing all of this. ]
There are many ways in which a person can be cruel, and neglect is one of them. To use a person as leverage, and as a piece to barter with only to prove a point, is a cruelty of itself. Even if a god does not see it as significant because a single person is such a small part of the greater cosmos it does not change the fact that they are meant to be deities those people spend their time and lives worshipping. And isn't it a different kind of cruelty to put love and devotion and dedication into something and not receive it back in crucial moments? You should not have to pay for the sins of other people. Just like you shouldn't be forced to fight a fight that isn't yours. Even if serving under Shar made you a much stronger person, I am sorry. This should not have been the way. But I can't speak to other gods and goddesses decisions. I can only express my opinions, and do better in my own domain. To tell you the truth, I am scared. I am scared that I will put you all in a position I don't want you to be in and that you shouldn't be in because that's already happened. By nature of me being here, being a new god, and being a target, it's all of you who have been suffering. I have watched week after week as friend turns on friend and the results of grief. I need to make this stop. And I suppose I'm worried bringing this up will force people's hand, if it doesn't make them finally lose hope all together. I don't know.
I'm not trying to pressure you to change your mind. I just felt that, I don't know. Perhaps my experience means something, in general.
I know you have been working to fix things, that much is obvious. I don't blame you for circumstances, I only mean that it is easier to be forgiving. Maybe because we are used to forgiving one another for mistakes, but that standard doesn't apply so easily to the gods.
But I haven't lost hope. Honestly, whatever this creature is, I find them rather pathetic. Their barbs do not have the same bite as Lady Shar, I can tell you that much.
No of course they do. Sorry, I'm not good with words either I think. Pretty sure I ended up making somebody upset yesterday and it was a mess. I think the thing's pretty pathetic myself but it's still kicking my ass. My project's ass. Maybe as a god I shouldn't be saying ass. It's also one of those things where I don't feel like my circumstances should be the thing that makes people forgive me for what's happening. But there are things people want and people expect, and I know I should have the power to fix them. I won't know if I can until this is dealt with. And I don't want people getting distracted by my new status. Is that making sense? Sorry, I shouldn't be dumping this on you either, that's not why you're here.
Certainly that's part of the allure. Great deeds and all that. But the gods of my home have limitations, too. They often work miracles through the power they imbue their followers with but cannot do everything they wish, as they would run afoul of another god. An agreement to stay in their realms and act through champions and faithful in order to avoid the type of cataclysm that could occur if they fought one another directly.
I don't know if I really have champions. The angels have been a big help. But I can understand the limitations to avoid a huge clash. Power vs power sounds like it'd cause a ton of damage, too, instead of actually helping.
I suspect the angels are something like champions to you. But... I spent my life preparing and training to become a champion of Lady Shar. Going back on that is not supposed to happen, but people change, so pledging yourself to only one cause for the rest of your life is perhaps not the ideal shape devotion ought to take.
At any rate, the point is that true intervention by the gods - miracles - often come with their own complications. It would be lovely if the gods took care of all problems for us, but that seems not to be how it works, even if it is sometimes hard to know which limitations are there because it is not wise or possible and which are there because they don't want to.
Probably. I did hand select them. I do think it is a little insane to devote yourself to one thing and one thing only. One idea is fine, but that idea can mean many things. People should be allowed to be flexible without facing wrath. Especially when more often than not you're working with only the information you had at the time. It's why I would never ask someone to blindly believe in God. There are things I would love to accomplish for you all. But there are things I know I cannot. I believe that the combination of all of your worlds and skills might work to create those miracles, especially if you may be able to communicate after this is all over. But I understand text is not the same. I understand there is a difference between long-distance and sticking your head down the hall to talk to someone. I want more for you guys than I think I can ever say. I also just know I can't and it's something to grapple with. (I know we're being honest but I still don't want this to feel as if I'm complaining to you. I'm still finding that line as well.)
I would say right now my priority is to survive this, and then to survive the next obstacles my home has in store for me, and then consider the future. But I can't pretend I don't worry about the future anyway. How can I find my parents, and also ensure Anders has a home to go to, and also ensure Richie isn't devoured by a nightmare, and ensure Elysia doesn't lose her life, and ensure Claude doesn't drown in despair? I cannot do all of it.
I wasn't going to ask you about that future, not while things are existential. But I suspect it is one of those things, with gods, where there will always be questions. If it could be done by us, it is odd to think it couldn't be done by you.
Good priorities. Strong priorities. ...Shadowheart, I don't think my powers are that strong yet. That's. Kind of the problem. I'm working on it, but there may only be so much I can do. Not to mention meddling too much might cause cosmic chaos versus adjustments made by you that would be more self-contained in your own worlds rather than the outside manipulations of Heaven.
If it can't be done, then it can't be done. I do believe, when we think of miracles, what we mean is the hope for things that cannot be done. I don't think this is a priority for right now, but I can't deny that it's a hope These past weeks, the knowledge that the lost souls are safe somewhere and we might see them again made it that much easier to ensure everything else. So hope for a future where we do not all have to say goodbye is something I'm still going to hold onto. That doesn't mean I expect you to untangle it in your hopefully lacking amount of spare time.
Let me ask you this. How long do you think people would be willing to wait for that kind of future? I don't disagree. Hope is the thing we need. But even if you don't expect me to untangle it right now, I'm sure other people do. Which goes right back to why I haven't revealed myself to this point, because I don't want to be the thing that kills their hope. But you have made me kind of reconsider that part. A little.
I can only speak for myself. I can wait a long time, but I can't plan my life based on things that may never come to pass. Have you, then? I don't think it would be a bad thing.
I understand. More of a "would like to know it's a someday than a never" situation. I get it. Also yes, perhaps. Before Judgment Day maybe I'll let everyone know. Mostly because I am certain a lot of them will have questions I wouldn't have time to answer day of.
I knew it was unrealistic to ask anyone to keep this quiet for much longer. So I understand. I will know anyway, so I will plan a time for explanations and questions. I believe it is fair to know who or what may be judging them now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And all three of them know I'm new to this.
For me, it's less about admitting vulnerability and more I do not want to give the entity more of an opening. It hasn't been confirmed it knows, but I feel that publicizing it might make it more obvious and it would retaliate further.
Also the responsibility thing, but we covered that.
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I won't publicize it if you don't wish, but I do feel it may be at the least worth a discussion. After all, something must have changed, for the old God to retire, didn't it?
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It continues to be bold.
I'll make a public statement before Judgment Day, at least. It's only fair.
But nothing really changed. The old God wanted to retire after doing this for so long.
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I still believe in delivering a fair judgment after a review instead of telling someone they're stuck with what they have.
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May I be very honest?
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I may be a cleric, but I don't have a lot of trust left in me for gods. I spent most of my life promises to one goddess who deceived me and threw me away, but I would say if one is putting one's faith in Shar, betrayal should not be an unexpected outcome.
The part that sticks with me, though, is Selûne. She is meant to be Shar's sister, her lighter, more virtuous other half. The two of them have warred for all time, and I know she does not have the power to directly defy Shar. But part of me did believe, if I betrayed Lady Shar for the sake of her own daughter, if I risked one goddess' wrath, I might have the protection of another goddess.
But that didn't happen. And my memories are a jumble, but it may even be... I think my family were Selûnite followers once themselves. Which is to say that she allowed one of her followers to be abducted, tortured, turned to Shar's service, and yet I am the one who must prove myself, who must make the virtuous choice, who must strike a blow in her war against Shar by defying her and bringing all of that wrath upon my head. Even though, if I am not a monster, it is because I clawed my way there despite the pain of everything she allowed to happen to me.
Selǔne is not a cruel goddess, but she is a goddess, and to both Shar and Selûne, my own life is nothing more than a point to be proved in an argument that has lasted and will lasted eons longer than I will. Maybe an important point, but I didn't ever ask to be part of this argument.
My sense is that this is how deities operate in general, even the good ones. Perhaps they must operate this way. We're too small for them to truly understand. They are fixated on what seems fair, or virtuous, or important on a cosmic level even though the only part of it I give a damn about is my life, the lives of the people around me, and merely because those things are small doesn't mean I accept having them weighed so by anyone else.
I am glad you feel so strong a sense of responsibility for us, recognize that we are the unfortunate casualties of a conflict between you and the entity. That is a refreshing change of pace, to be frank. But the fact that you are new to this is the first time I wondered whether you might actually be able to understand after all.
I'm not sure this changes anything about your views or your approach, I'm not even sure that it ought to, but I thought it important to say. I hope that you will be a different sort of god than ones that came before.
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There are many ways in which a person can be cruel, and neglect is one of them. To use a person as leverage, and as a piece to barter with only to prove a point, is a cruelty of itself. Even if a god does not see it as significant because a single person is such a small part of the greater cosmos it does not change the fact that they are meant to be deities those people spend their time and lives worshipping. And isn't it a different kind of cruelty to put love and devotion and dedication into something and not receive it back in crucial moments?
You should not have to pay for the sins of other people. Just like you shouldn't be forced to fight a fight that isn't yours.
Even if serving under Shar made you a much stronger person, I am sorry. This should not have been the way.
But I can't speak to other gods and goddesses decisions. I can only express my opinions, and do better in my own domain.
To tell you the truth, I am scared. I am scared that I will put you all in a position I don't want you to be in and that you shouldn't be in because that's already happened. By nature of me being here, being a new god, and being a target, it's all of you who have been suffering.
I have watched week after week as friend turns on friend and the results of grief.
I need to make this stop.
And I suppose I'm worried bringing this up will force people's hand, if it doesn't make them finally lose hope all together.
I don't know.
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I know you have been working to fix things, that much is obvious. I don't blame you for circumstances, I only mean that it is easier to be forgiving. Maybe because we are used to forgiving one another for mistakes, but that standard doesn't apply so easily to the gods.
But I haven't lost hope. Honestly, whatever this creature is, I find them rather pathetic. Their barbs do not have the same bite as Lady Shar, I can tell you that much.
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Sorry, I'm not good with words either I think. Pretty sure I ended up making somebody upset yesterday and it was a mess.
I think the thing's pretty pathetic myself but it's still kicking my ass. My project's ass.
Maybe as a god I shouldn't be saying ass.
It's also one of those things where I don't feel like my circumstances should be the thing that makes people forgive me for what's happening.
But there are things people want and people expect, and I know I should have the power to fix them.
I won't know if I can until this is dealt with.
And I don't want people getting distracted by my new status.
Is that making sense?
Sorry, I shouldn't be dumping this on you either, that's not why you're here.
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I'm only here to talk, not to demand a status update.
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It sort of feels like I should have one is all.
Big powerful God and all.
[ a pause in messages. ]
I don't want to disappoint anyone. Not just about this entity, but overall.
Aren't gods supposed to grant miracles?
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But the gods of my home have limitations, too.
They often work miracles through the power they imbue their followers with but cannot do everything they wish, as they would run afoul of another god.
An agreement to stay in their realms and act through champions and faithful in order to avoid the type of cataclysm that could occur if they fought one another directly.
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The angels have been a big help.
But I can understand the limitations to avoid a huge clash.
Power vs power sounds like it'd cause a ton of damage, too, instead of actually helping.
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But... I spent my life preparing and training to become a champion of Lady Shar.
Going back on that is not supposed to happen, but people change, so pledging yourself to only one cause for the rest of your life is perhaps not the ideal shape devotion ought to take.
At any rate, the point is that true intervention by the gods - miracles - often come with their own complications. It would be lovely if the gods took care of all problems for us, but that seems not to be how it works, even if it is sometimes hard to know which limitations are there because it is not wise or possible and which are there because they don't want to.
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I do think it is a little insane to devote yourself to one thing and one thing only. One idea is fine, but that idea can mean many things. People should be allowed to be flexible without facing wrath.
Especially when more often than not you're working with only the information you had at the time.
It's why I would never ask someone to blindly believe in God.
There are things I would love to accomplish for you all. But there are things I know I cannot. I believe that the combination of all of your worlds and skills might work to create those miracles, especially if you may be able to communicate after this is all over.
But I understand text is not the same. I understand there is a difference between long-distance and sticking your head down the hall to talk to someone.
I want more for you guys than I think I can ever say.
I also just know I can't and it's something to grapple with.
(I know we're being honest but I still don't want this to feel as if I'm complaining to you. I'm still finding that line as well.)
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I wasn't going to ask you about that future, not while things are existential. But I suspect it is one of those things, with gods, where there will always be questions. If it could be done by us, it is odd to think it couldn't be done by you.
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Strong priorities.
...Shadowheart, I don't think my powers are that strong yet.
That's. Kind of the problem. I'm working on it, but there may only be so much I can do.
Not to mention meddling too much might cause cosmic chaos versus adjustments made by you that would be more self-contained in your own worlds rather than the outside manipulations of Heaven.
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I do believe, when we think of miracles, what we mean is the hope for things that cannot be done.
I don't think this is a priority for right now, but I can't deny that it's a hope
These past weeks, the knowledge that the lost souls are safe somewhere and we might see them again made it that much easier to ensure everything else.
So hope for a future where we do not all have to say goodbye is something I'm still going to hold onto.
That doesn't mean I expect you to untangle it in your hopefully lacking amount of spare time.
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How long do you think people would be willing to wait for that kind of future?
I don't disagree. Hope is the thing we need.
But even if you don't expect me to untangle it right now, I'm sure other people do.
Which goes right back to why I haven't revealed myself to this point, because I don't want to be the thing that kills their hope.
But you have made me kind of reconsider that part. A little.
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Have you, then? I don't think it would be a bad thing.
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I get it.
Also yes, perhaps. Before Judgment Day maybe I'll let everyone know.
Mostly because I am certain a lot of them will have questions I wouldn't have time to answer day of.
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So I understand.
I will know anyway, so I will plan a time for explanations and questions. I believe it is fair to know who or what may be judging them now.