That makes two of us. It's been some time since I've really had a chance to play with dogs. [ but she eyes the hair and she looks a little in awe. ] New change? It looks nice.
It happens. I've done the same thing before. [ sometimes you just say "fuck it!!" and change your whole philosophy on life and also your appearance. ] Does it make you feel more like who you want to be?
No going back and all. [ no, she can still dye her hair back, but it's the principle of the thing. ]
It feels like the first big hurdle though. First you change the outside to reflect who you want to be and who you are on the inside, and then you keep working on the inside until you feel comfortable.
I don't make it a habit to say things I don't mean, Shadowheart. [ so yes, she fully believes it. ] I think you will. I bet you never thought you'd do this in the first place, did you?
No. Even if I imagined leaving her behind, I never imagined she'd leave me behind, or that the feeling would be such a wonderful one.
The truth is, I never wanted to admit how much I wanted to be free of her because I was afraid I was hoping for something that wasn't possible. She has her own ways of keeping a hold on me, no matter what I do.
[but then coincidentally this week she no longer feels that! yay!]
[ this development is so good!! even if it's just because of an effect!! wow, sure hope that carries through. zuriel on the other hand looks very thoughtful about this, listening for a moment as she nods along. ]
... sometimes all it takes is the distance and time to really feel as though you can be free. [ a pause. ] A friend of mine didn't have a very good relationship with his family. His father was very cruel to him, to the point Adam didn't even get a chance to fight back because he was told he should be grateful for having a roof over his head and food and opportunities. His parents would be angry whenever they found out he was making extra money to save for school because it should have been going back to them to raise him. But he never felt like he could leave because it didn't feel possible. He wanted to do it on his own terms, and not because someone else bailed him out, but getting to that point was difficult. I don't know if he ever believed he could be free before graduation.
But things changed. His father finally decided the fight wasn't worth it and let him go, and now Adam's on his own. It's normal to be afraid of something good happening when you've only experienced the bad. And like with him, I think I can't help but be happy you've been able to come to this point.
[she hasn't ever really thought of her situation as similar to a child being abused, and it makes her a little sad to think of it that way. the sharrans weren't her family. she never loved them. but she can't deny how helpless she is to imagine life without them, nor can she deny how much she wanted shar to love her, if no one else.]
If I've changed at all, it's because of people who I didn't want to disappoint. So as uncertain as I may feel, I will accept your happiness for me gratefully. I'll just have to learn how to face things on my own, and that's not easy.
[ it may not be the exact same and zuriel acknowledges that, but she thinks it's similar. it makes her admire shadowheart a little more for taking that step and it makes her want to see her succeed the way all of them wished for adam to get out of his environment and succeed. ]
You're right. It isn't easy. You have support and it's a good thing to have and it's helpful to know there are people you can rely on and people you want to make proud, but you want to be sure you can manage this change if they can't always be there.
Adam's always been independent. But he still had a lot to learn when it came to standing on his own two feet in a way that wasn't hurtful to himself. I think he managed just fine. Even if he's still learning, he made it. And so will you.
As long as you remember there will always been people who will talk about it with you. Especially after so many weeks together. People care about you, Shadowheart. People want you to successfully be your own person.
[ she's so cute. that's me and also zuriel thinking this. ]
Believe me, I understand that. I've never wanted to disappoint people either. [ she's very headstrong and very aggressive about what she wants in life, but her own circumstances have stopped her time and time again. she doesn't want to disappoint people who actually believe in her to get further. ] But I think it's important to remember that even if it isn't right away, it isn't like their support will evaporate. Strange as it is to know it will be there.
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That makes two of us. It's been some time since I've really had a chance to play with dogs. [ but she eyes the hair and she looks a little in awe. ] New change? It looks nice.
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It feels like the first big hurdle though. First you change the outside to reflect who you want to be and who you are on the inside, and then you keep working on the inside until you feel comfortable.
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Do you believe so? I'll have to trust you that I'll be able to get there.
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The truth is, I never wanted to admit how much I wanted to be free of her because I was afraid I was hoping for something that wasn't possible. She has her own ways of keeping a hold on me, no matter what I do.
[but then coincidentally this week she no longer feels that! yay!]
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... sometimes all it takes is the distance and time to really feel as though you can be free. [ a pause. ] A friend of mine didn't have a very good relationship with his family. His father was very cruel to him, to the point Adam didn't even get a chance to fight back because he was told he should be grateful for having a roof over his head and food and opportunities. His parents would be angry whenever they found out he was making extra money to save for school because it should have been going back to them to raise him. But he never felt like he could leave because it didn't feel possible. He wanted to do it on his own terms, and not because someone else bailed him out, but getting to that point was difficult. I don't know if he ever believed he could be free before graduation.
But things changed. His father finally decided the fight wasn't worth it and let him go, and now Adam's on his own. It's normal to be afraid of something good happening when you've only experienced the bad. And like with him, I think I can't help but be happy you've been able to come to this point.
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If I've changed at all, it's because of people who I didn't want to disappoint. So as uncertain as I may feel, I will accept your happiness for me gratefully. I'll just have to learn how to face things on my own, and that's not easy.
Did your friend ever learn how?
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You're right. It isn't easy. You have support and it's a good thing to have and it's helpful to know there are people you can rely on and people you want to make proud, but you want to be sure you can manage this change if they can't always be there.
Adam's always been independent. But he still had a lot to learn when it came to standing on his own two feet in a way that wasn't hurtful to himself. I think he managed just fine. Even if he's still learning, he made it. And so will you.
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I don't want to disappoint everyone who has tried to help me. [but that's pressure as well as a good thing.]
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Believe me, I understand that. I've never wanted to disappoint people either. [ she's very headstrong and very aggressive about what she wants in life, but her own circumstances have stopped her time and time again. she doesn't want to disappoint people who actually believe in her to get further. ] But I think it's important to remember that even if it isn't right away, it isn't like their support will evaporate. Strange as it is to know it will be there.
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