[ she's hesitating. shadowheart doesn't know herself, and it feels wrong to explore things more deeply for that reason, even though she wants to know, so as she watches the mirrors go on, she turns to shadowheart ]
Do you want to see more? [ do you want to learn more about yourself? phrasing it like that gamaliel realizes it's probably a yes, so she holds out a hand ] I can watch with you. Pull you away if you need it. Or just... stay if you need that.
[ sometimes you just need someone to stand in silence with you, in gam's opinion. ]
[she'll take a hand. there's nothing too ugly in this memory for her now - what ifs, possibilities, mostly. she could have betrayed isobel, she could have let the inn fall. she didn't, and she's glad for that.
she doesn't really know what it would look like, if isobel died; it wasn't in her memories from the week before, even though she can remember the place she was when she knew isobel would die. when she chose to help shar gain the upper hand in her war against selûne.
mirrors show pieces of that memory. shadowheart, holding a bloodied spear, standing over the body of a woman in chains, feeling the power of the dark grow around her, knowing that any resistance against the shadow curse, particularly this small selûnite enclave, would be wiped out due to shar's wrath.
she felt nothing about it in that memory, but she doesn't particularly like to see it now.]
I think what bothered me was, there was really never any part of me that was tempted to betray her. [isobel she means, not shar.] Despite what I said, despite challenging her, there wasn't really even any question.
Lady Shar protected me from the shadow curse, and that pleased me so, because it felt that she'd chosen me, that she wanted to protect me specifically. But Isobel's protection, Selûne's protection, was given to everyone, every traveller who came through those lands. [she wasn't special, she wasn't loved, she wasn't the chosen one.] Even me, even though I already had Lady Shar's protection. [and she liked that. she could have refused and stood with shar, but she didn't.]
[she hasn't exactly experienced that fear in exactly those words before, but it does feel right.]
I don't like knowing I'm capable of that, but I also just feel like a fool. Of course if I did everything she told me to do, the only one it would help was her. She gave me what she promised, but...
[the person left wasn't her anymore, wasn't recognizable.
it also makes her realize that, no, there's actually... not really anything that she likes about shar. she just always felt like she had to love shar because shar was who she was bound to.]
I wanted her to choose me, because I didn't think there was anyone else who would.
[if there is LITERALLY ANY OTHER OPTION that would probably be better.]
Yeah. From what I've heard, she seems self-centered like that.
[ and now put it like that gamaliel has the full easy picture of wow shadowheart is clearly just in an abusive relationship with a god-like being. well that's easy to deal with! (no) ]
Past tense. [ noting that while squeezing shadowheart's hand a little ] So you don't think that anymore?
[ does not quite manage to curb the hopefulness in her tone ]
Then don't go for it. She's only ever chosen you to get something out of it. She's manipulating you. [ which she assumes shadowheart realizes by now, but it bears repeating ] You're worth more than what she gives you.
[she does realize it, but it's not the kind of thing that's easy to change quickly. it still matters, to hear other people say it, to realize they mean it.]
...I know.
[at least that she's being manipulated. worth is a bit harder.]
He didn't... That wasn't it. He didn't invent the technology. People had been using it already. Governments. Corporations. [ she's not sure shadowheart even knows what a corporation... is. hm. ] It's... There was an issue with it. Where your mind would slowly fade until there was nothing left of yourself. He was trying to figure out how to fix it, because people were going to keep using it anyway, and it's--it was a dangerous thing. Not just for themselves. It gave them access to control and mess with parts of the world. It's...
[ she pauses again and when she starts, it sounds like a quote; ]
They were people, same as anyone. But with the power to set a building on fire without ever setting foot in it. The power to attack anyone from halfway around the world with barely any effort. Affect things so deeply in society some of them considered themselves gods. But they weren't. They were just people.
Back then, Caspian started looking for a way to fix their minds to give to only one person, so that they could police the rest of them. Be stronger and able to stop them if it came that far. And I didn't like what he was doing and who he was doing it with, but mostly I didn't like that he thought that person should be my dad.
[well, again, she lives in a world where there really are gods, and also very high level wizards.]
That does tend to be the tale, doesn't it? Mortals want to become gods, and then other mortals think only they ought to wield godlike power because their reasons are better.
[ i need you to know pantheon also has those things in a way ]
It's... fine. Or, well. It wasn't fine, for a long time, especially with what happened after that, but. [ shakes her head ] I don't know. There's a lot I still agree with when I think of what I said, and there's a lot I don't. I think that's what remembering youth is.
[yeah, but she did know, this was the real teenager saying all of this. maybe actually growing up is different; you realize that there maybe isn't ever a moment where you become an independent adult, no matter what it might seem.]
Is that to do with why you took such a young looking form?
Oh, there's a lot of reasons for that. The main one is that this was the form I was in when God came to talk to me, so I didn't see the point in changing back. Not that I can't.
Maybe it'd be easier for some of you if I looked physically older, but honestly I thought explaining the change after you all saw me the first time was more trouble than it's worth.
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Do you want to see more? [ do you want to learn more about yourself? phrasing it like that gamaliel realizes it's probably a yes, so she holds out a hand ] I can watch with you. Pull you away if you need it. Or just... stay if you need that.
[ sometimes you just need someone to stand in silence with you, in gam's opinion. ]
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[she'll take a hand. there's nothing too ugly in this memory for her now - what ifs, possibilities, mostly. she could have betrayed isobel, she could have let the inn fall. she didn't, and she's glad for that.
she doesn't really know what it would look like, if isobel died; it wasn't in her memories from the week before, even though she can remember the place she was when she knew isobel would die. when she chose to help shar gain the upper hand in her war against selûne.
mirrors show pieces of that memory. shadowheart, holding a bloodied spear, standing over the body of a woman in chains, feeling the power of the dark grow around her, knowing that any resistance against the shadow curse, particularly this small selûnite enclave, would be wiped out due to shar's wrath.
she felt nothing about it in that memory, but she doesn't particularly like to see it now.]
I think what bothered me was, there was really never any part of me that was tempted to betray her. [isobel she means, not shar.] Despite what I said, despite challenging her, there wasn't really even any question.
Lady Shar protected me from the shadow curse, and that pleased me so, because it felt that she'd chosen me, that she wanted to protect me specifically. But Isobel's protection, Selûne's protection, was given to everyone, every traveller who came through those lands. [she wasn't special, she wasn't loved, she wasn't the chosen one.] Even me, even though I already had Lady Shar's protection. [and she liked that. she could have refused and stood with shar, but she didn't.]
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Does it bother you that there's a version of you somewhere that was tempted? That this could have been your worst impulses in a different life?
[ because it is, to gamaliel, clearly a different life, if she didn't even think about it in this one. ]
Is that what you like so much about Shar? That she'd choose you? Even when she's hurting other people?
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I don't like knowing I'm capable of that, but I also just feel like a fool. Of course if I did everything she told me to do, the only one it would help was her. She gave me what she promised, but...
[the person left wasn't her anymore, wasn't recognizable.
it also makes her realize that, no, there's actually... not really anything that she likes about shar. she just always felt like she had to love shar because shar was who she was bound to.]
I wanted her to choose me, because I didn't think there was anyone else who would.
[if there is LITERALLY ANY OTHER OPTION that would probably be better.]
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[ and now put it like that gamaliel has the full easy picture of wow shadowheart is clearly just in an abusive relationship with a god-like being. well that's easy to deal with! (no) ]
Past tense. [ noting that while squeezing shadowheart's hand a little ] So you don't think that anymore?
[ does not quite manage to curb the hopefulness in her tone ]
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...I don't know about that, exactly. [at least no one is going to choose her to that same degree, but.] I don't like the future where she wins.
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...I know.
[at least that she's being manipulated. worth is a bit harder.]
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[ speaking of time until 13:30 here's a nice talk about time and life and death things! wow! ]
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I can see why most people from your time chose what he was offering them.
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He didn't... That wasn't it. He didn't invent the technology. People had been using it already. Governments. Corporations. [ she's not sure shadowheart even knows what a corporation... is. hm. ] It's... There was an issue with it. Where your mind would slowly fade until there was nothing left of yourself. He was trying to figure out how to fix it, because people were going to keep using it anyway, and it's--it was a dangerous thing. Not just for themselves. It gave them access to control and mess with parts of the world. It's...
[ she pauses again and when she starts, it sounds like a quote; ]
They were people, same as anyone. But with the power to set a building on fire without ever setting foot in it. The power to attack anyone from halfway around the world with barely any effort. Affect things so deeply in society some of them considered themselves gods. But they weren't. They were just people.
Back then, Caspian started looking for a way to fix their minds to give to only one person, so that they could police the rest of them. Be stronger and able to stop them if it came that far. And I didn't like what he was doing and who he was doing it with, but mostly I didn't like that he thought that person should be my dad.
[ just absolute insanity ]
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That does tend to be the tale, doesn't it? Mortals want to become gods, and then other mortals think only they ought to wield godlike power because their reasons are better.
I'm sorry about your father.
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It's... fine. Or, well. It wasn't fine, for a long time, especially with what happened after that, but. [ shakes her head ] I don't know. There's a lot I still agree with when I think of what I said, and there's a lot I don't. I think that's what remembering youth is.
[ looks exactly the same age ]
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Is that to do with why you took such a young looking form?
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Maybe it'd be easier for some of you if I looked physically older, but honestly I thought explaining the change after you all saw me the first time was more trouble than it's worth.
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I think whatever form you're comfortable with would not trouble me, but if this is the one that serves you best, that's fine by me.
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That's good. I like talking with you. [ a little teasingly. ]
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There's a little need.
[ the need is she likes to do it ]
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