Of course it did. I literally spent it in service of a cause. But I also was plagued by doubts, or unreadiness, and I want to - either quell those doubts, or find something else to place meaning in.
I don't think sacrifices are ever meant to be easy. [ they say sacrifice like they kind of hate the word, though. ] Especially if they're personal ones.
[yeah that's the problem, right? it's not exactly abstaining from meat on fridays.]
...Well. Everything. The world is full of things that exist only to tie us down. Shar demands we give all of that up. She doesn't expect that we refrain from indulging now and again in certain pleasures, but... nothing is permanent.
I gave my memories to her. And while I know it is for the best, I cannot help but wonder at what my life might have been.
What's done can be undone. It is a precaution for when we leave the safety of our cloister and go out into the world. If I left again, I would surrender those secrets once again.
[the mission though is a bit confusing.]
An artefact of great power, fought over by devils and mind flayers. Shar wants it for herself. I do not know why.
Or it's a way to make sure you guys don't remember enough to object...
[ but they'll stay agitated because: ]
She's tasked you to get a powerful artefact wanted by devils, you don't know why, and you don't even remember anything about yourself otherwise. [ dry. ] This just sounds like she's using you, Shadowheart.
...Yes, I agree, that is very much the problem. But I was supposed to get something. I mean, I do get something. I have magic, I have abilities and knowledge, and when I completed my training, I'd get even more.
I wanted that honor more than anything, and then at a certain point, without even realizing it, I stopped wanting it as much as I once did.
Power in exchange for your sense of self doesn't seem right. That and your blind servitude. I get why you'd get dissatisfied with the exchange sooner or later.
[ they pause ]
Do you know what else you'd want instead? Or maybe what you want more than just that honor.
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[ and, after a brief pause; ]
You don't have to answer if you don't want to or don't know.
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[ first, but; ]
You doubted your cause, then?
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I think I found it personally difficult to make the sacrifices required, even though I was told many times that it ought to be easier than it was.
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...Well. Everything. The world is full of things that exist only to tie us down. Shar demands we give all of that up. She doesn't expect that we refrain from indulging now and again in certain pleasures, but... nothing is permanent.
I gave my memories to her. And while I know it is for the best, I cannot help but wonder at what my life might have been.
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Okay, I'm trying not to sound biased here, but that is the worst deal I've ever heard of. She took your memories?
[ well, shadowheart said it was willingly given, but they seem a little horrified ]
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[defensive. because yes, it's not great.]
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[but no, she doesn't like that it happened.]
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[ they take a breath to try to Chill ]
What even was the mission?
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[the mission though is a bit confusing.]
An artefact of great power, fought over by devils and mind flayers. Shar wants it for herself. I do not know why.
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[ but they'll stay agitated because: ]
She's tasked you to get a powerful artefact wanted by devils, you don't know why, and you don't even remember anything about yourself otherwise. [ dry. ] This just sounds like she's using you, Shadowheart.
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Well, yes. Of course she is. Every deity is using their followers. That's sort of the nature of pledging service to someone.
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...Yes, I agree, that is very much the problem. But I was supposed to get something. I mean, I do get something. I have magic, I have abilities and knowledge, and when I completed my training, I'd get even more.
I wanted that honor more than anything, and then at a certain point, without even realizing it, I stopped wanting it as much as I once did.
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[ they pause ]
Do you know what else you'd want instead? Or maybe what you want more than just that honor.
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[trying to free you guys from my week 0 audiences so we can stop there.]