I think I do, but I guess a little insanity is allowable.
[ turning his notebook around!
Hawke,
I know this is delayed. So I don’t know when you’ll read this, or if you will ever see it at all. There are too many unanswered questions yet to know that. I hope you do.
Maybe it is easier, to see me, to know I am still there. But I did not have the same luxury. I didn’t know if I would be the reason, again, that you were lost to this world. I bore the marks of that physically as well, and likely always will. Things scar, when you cannot heal them with magic.
I don’t know how this affliction changes people, before or after. I don’t know what parts of what were said are real and what was twisting your mind, but some of the barbs are difficult to shake. I do not know if you were even yourself the day you claimed you wanted me in return. I don’t know if you know either.
I think that I scare you. Which is understandable, because I often scare myself. So many people here are not willing to see the parts of me that are wrong, or broken. Violent. Angry. But you did - at least once upon a time - and I am grateful for that. But if whatever is inside of me is so terrifying to you that you cannot face it, then or now, then I don’t think we are good for one another. I don’t know that I am good for anyone. If you are not willing to see me as what I am, as the cause of mages, then I don’t know that I have anything left I can offer you.
I am immensely grateful you are alive - for whatever measure of alive that counts for here. You get my point. I will do everything in my power to see you returned. I owe you that and more. But I feel as if I am screaming as much as I have been for years, and you have not heard me yet.
- Anders
P.S. I realized this might be better simplified. You could have asked if I was alright, nugshit-for-brains. The answer is no, by the way. And I am very angry with you. ]
[ okay this is not the time but she is a little bit touched he would show her this at all, let alone ask for her judgment on it.
anyway. she reads this very quickly, but then... thinks over what to say, for once. ]
I think... this is a very diplomatic way of expressing hurt. And I don't think you sound insane at all.
When you hide what you're feeling, nothing will change. That can be painful. And it may be more painful to be open about what you want and still not receive it. At first.
But I think that it's worth it to find out if that's what will happen. If things can get better... Or if they won't. Because if they won't, you shouldn't keep hurting yourself and wasting your own time and energy trying to make them.
[ she is a little bit insane - all the angels are - so he trusts her judgment on this. you gotta know it so you know when to call it.
anyway guy who has never had a normal relationship ever has no idea what normal relationships are like. breaking news!! ]
I don't know how people want things in a way that isn't so ugly. [ freedom, or love, or redemption. things that seem gentle enough at first always turn so violent. ] Every time I want something, I burn it.
[ she really. is. but her relationship advice is kind of just spouting off whatever makes logical sense to her, so it's pretty limited. ]
I don't know. My experience with these things has been very different from yours. I wish that I had an answer for you.
In this case, though... Are you sure you're the one burning it? It could be the circumstances. It could be the other party. You won't be able to make up for all variables as just one factor in the equation. Though that doesn't make it any easier.
If we're doing math about it, then I am the consistent factor in each problem, however.
If I didn't want things so badly, I might have gotten them. Well-behaved mages are allowed to leave, sometimes. Play at having power at a court, or allowed to research under supervision. If I hadn't wanted Hawke so badly, I might not have scared him so much.
That's playing into oppressive rules that you've said yourself are awful. I wouldn't fault you for it out of self-preservation, but you aren't wrong to want better for yourself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Of course.
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[ turning his notebook around!
Hawke,
I know this is delayed. So I don’t know when you’ll read this, or if you will ever see it at all. There are too many unanswered questions yet to know that. I hope you do.
Maybe it is easier, to see me, to know I am still there. But I did not have the same luxury. I didn’t know if I would be the reason, again, that you were lost to this world. I bore the marks of that physically as well, and likely always will. Things scar, when you cannot heal them with magic.
I don’t know how this affliction changes people, before or after. I don’t know what parts of what were said are real and what was twisting your mind, but some of the barbs are difficult to shake. I do not know if you were even yourself the day you claimed you wanted me in return. I don’t know if you know either.
I think that I scare you. Which is understandable, because I often scare myself. So many people here are not willing to see the parts of me that are wrong, or broken. Violent. Angry. But you did - at least once upon a time - and I am grateful for that. But if whatever is inside of me is so terrifying to you that you cannot face it, then or now, then I don’t think we are good for one another. I don’t know that I am good for anyone. If you are not willing to see me as what I am, as the cause of mages, then I don’t know that I have anything left I can offer you.
I am immensely grateful you are alive - for whatever measure of alive that counts for here. You get my point. I will do everything in my power to see you returned. I owe you that and more. But I feel as if I am screaming as much as I have been for years, and you have not heard me yet.
- Anders
P.S. I realized this might be better simplified. You could have asked if I was alright, nugshit-for-brains. The answer is no, by the way. And I am very angry with you. ]
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anyway. she reads this very quickly, but then... thinks over what to say, for once. ]
I think... this is a very diplomatic way of expressing hurt. And I don't think you sound insane at all.
When you hide what you're feeling, nothing will change. That can be painful. And it may be more painful to be open about what you want and still not receive it. At first.
But I think that it's worth it to find out if that's what will happen. If things can get better... Or if they won't. Because if they won't, you shouldn't keep hurting yourself and wasting your own time and energy trying to make them.
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anyway guy who has never had a normal relationship ever has no idea what normal relationships are like. breaking news!! ]
I don't know how people want things in a way that isn't so ugly. [ freedom, or love, or redemption. things that seem gentle enough at first always turn so violent. ] Every time I want something, I burn it.
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I don't know. My experience with these things has been very different from yours. I wish that I had an answer for you.
In this case, though... Are you sure you're the one burning it? It could be the circumstances. It could be the other party. You won't be able to make up for all variables as just one factor in the equation. Though that doesn't make it any easier.
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If I didn't want things so badly, I might have gotten them. Well-behaved mages are allowed to leave, sometimes. Play at having power at a court, or allowed to research under supervision. If I hadn't wanted Hawke so badly, I might not have scared him so much.
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In life. Or in love.