Even having an idea of what to expect today, I don't think we knew what would come of it either. But I've never been to a real trial before. And I'm hoping we won't have to again.
[ really, really hoping. ]
This is already hard for a lot of you. I'm afraid this is going to make it much worse.
anyway. taair nods - especially at the last part, something in his heart just aching at the thought. at the sight of the others, at brimstone's rage, jiaoqiu's void of nothing. ]
So it is. I... think we'll find our way through it. But I can't imagine it will be easy. [ to say the very least. ] We will have to lean on each other even more, in the coming days.
And you all are tasked with such heavy responsibility, in the midst of it all. [ he does glance over, finally, soft, worried smile. ] That leaning will have to come from all of us.
Another challenge on its own, Taair. Some of you were already avoidant. This may push them even further. But maybe it's about continuing to try. You'll have to build your support networks and hope we can rebuild from this.
[ to the last part, they pause a little before there's a shake of their head. ]
We'll be okay, I think. This has always been about your redemption. You don't have to worry about us on top of it.
Oh, that would be true for you. [ they do remember things, and thinking about it... ] This must be a relief for you to have them, then. And to be able to be there for them in return. As long as you don't burn yourself out doing that.
[ he cannot see their expression, but he may get the sense they're pouting juuuust slightly. ]
But I can't stop you, and all I can do is offer advice. Up to you all if you take it or leave it. And if that makes you happy, then... I'll support you from here.
[ there's a bit of quiet, ruminating on this. ]
I bet from there you'd be able to see so many of them. Nothing in the way and nothing tying you down. Right? Just open space. [ ... ] Did it help make you feel less alone?
[ NOT THE POUT THIS BABY HOLD ON!!! this makes him laugh - it's a soft, very genuine noise. we'll get to the loneliness later, not when this is right here. ]
It does. [ make him happy. ] You must know that worry comes from care, my dear friend. Above all. It is a blessing, to care so much - and to allow others to care for me, too. So, I'll do my very best not to burn myself out. And... I'll rely on you very much, in the future, so we may continue to have these little talks out in the garden, and I think that will help quite a bit in all walks of this very issue.
also, this is so sappy and so embarrassing but also this is a sentiment they agree with. ]
Of course I know it. [ ... ] Maybe you're right that it's a blessing. And it's why we can't take people for granted. It's about spending as much time with them as you can, knowing you may not have as much as you want. But it'll be enough if the time you do spend with them is filled with important moments.
So okay, fine. I really can't stop you from wanting to try. [ because they know what it's like to not have people that understood you for so long, and what a difference it really made when they finally did. ]
I'd like to continue this as long as we can. The good parts.
[ see but now he doesn't have to talk about being lonely anymore so it works out ]
I like to think that I am quite good at continuing to try. I've met many a setback, after all.
[ i'm free i'm free dangit gif goes here
but since it is once again affection week, he nudges them lightly again with his shoulder. hehe. ]
And I would, too. When I used to spend those nights on the rooftop, I used to imagine spending my days traveling the world with friends - and an important part was sitting around a fire, laughing and sharing stories. So, now, I'd quite like to do that, enjoy those good parts - and live out those moments, like I always dreamed - with my dear friend this evening.
I think they call that endless optimism. [ no! we are talking! but they nudge him back though. ]
Maybe we should have gone to the beach to build a bonfire. But it felt like a poor idea, considering... [ charlie's body :( ] Next time though. I think... Charlie would have liked that. Knowing people are continuing to try for each other.
Yes...you can imagine how delighted I was, on Thursday, when I came to the beach and found other people there. And...how very quickly that delight disappeared.
[ considering. but. ]
But you're right - there are still very fond memories. And Charlie, a beacon of optimism among our cadre, likely would say the very same. [ fondly: ] She might even sing it.
I'm glad you weren't alone. [ is the first thing they say. ] None of us knew what was happening, but I don't like how many of you were that night.
[ they don't wish to speak poorly of the dead, but... ]
Charlie may have been too optimistic at times. She had a lot of energy. [ ... ] I wonder if she'd still feel the same now. That everyone deserves to be redeemed.
[ weh! soft. there's a gentle, grateful smile. ] Mmn. We didn't know what was happening... I imagine many of us will be more careful, even if there's no cause to be.
And... I think, undoubtedly, she would. I think the first thing she would do is tell the general she forgives him, whether he feels remorseful for it or not.
[ it's so hard to imagine otherwise. charlie's songbird presence brought a lot of joy to taair's life, too. ]
Perhaps it is not a bad thing to temper our optimism a bit. I feel I need someone as realistic as you for balance. [ a little lightly, there, teasing. ] But her determination - and her kindness. Those are wonderful qualities, and things I hope we can emulate as we go forward.
Once is enough, right? Even if it never happens again, people will be more likely to stick together just in case. I'd rather it be like that than pretending this never happened at all.
I tried to tell her once that she needed to be a little more firm and forgiving of people being mean to her. But she was always going to do things her own way.
[ and now she's gone. ]
I don't mind being realistic. [ their profile does, in fact, seem to think that's the type of person they are. ] But I think you're right. Her kindness was probably why so many people were upset. You don't think people like that are going to be the ones who disappear first. I don't know if anyone will ever be as good at it as she was, but we'll do our best.
[ there's an emphatic nod. ] I agree. I wrote down as much as I could during the proceedings - I intend to make a chronicle of what happened, and write an obituary for Charlie. It feels like the least I can do.
[ because of course he did. his notebook, tucked into his holster beside his chronicle, has already begun to fill with stories of the people here, let alone with the notes from the trial itself. typical taair the historian, but zuriel nails it - there is no pretending this never happened. the idea of that makes him feel a little ill, which is even less surprising.
at the rest, though... though the sadness settles in his bones like a bird nesting in its ribcage, his memory of charlie is warm and fond, even still. ]
I think you've said it well, too. That is what we must do, yes? Carry on the memory of those who came before. [ taair smiles at that, a little more lightly, and taps himself on the cheek once. ] I'm something of an expert.
[ oh that should have said less forgiving of people being mean, i got lost.
but of course he did. this does not surprise them at all. ]
That's... actually sweet, Taair. Even if I'm sure half of the people here have no idea what an obituary is, doing something to preserve her memory should be an action nobody can misread. I'm a little surprised you were even able to find enough sense in what happened to write it down.
[ but he's good at his craft, it seems, so maybe they should not be that surprised. instead, they let that sentence hang as they debate how to approach the subject. ]
Even if it isn't easy, it's the right thing to do. Putting them aside just to make it hurt less isn't an option. [ ... ] I'm not sure I like the idea of you being an expert in that particular field though.
[ you are so valid. also cute... he looks warm at the compliment, though as ever he ducks his head, humble. ]
Memory is something of an important subject for me - both as a scholar of history, and in my own personal life. The duty of a historian is to record human experience, to treasure it all, good and bad, so when time sands the edges off of our sharpness, the events that happened remain. Honestly - I think we discussed before, that I enjoy the mystery of piecing together parts to find a whole. I'm sure if the circumstances were less grim, I would've found this experience to be joyful, but the grimness of it all greatly outweighs any novelty, and that is a gross understatement.
[ what we're getting it is that taair would love mafia (the game) but people's actual lives! not so much. but he does make a very good notetaker, because of it.
the last question has him tilt his head. ] In which field?
I think it's very easy for history to become lost and for people to misinterpret it without proper records. And even then, some people may have records that are more opinion than fact. But it's why people write them, isn't it? To let people find and decide the truth.
But we have, yes. There's an appeal in piecing together everything to create a whole. Even with the grimness... it's a novelty. Not all experiences are good experiences, but they shape us, don't you think?
[ please help him, he does not deserve the murder. but zuriel shakes their head. ]
But I mean the field of carrying memories. It's a good thing to do, but at the same time it feels like it could be sad if the memories are of people you've lost. Or people you've never met and wished you could. Maybe saying I don't know if I like it isn't quite right.
[ but they've kind of already assigned him as a lonely person and think that living with the memories of other people and not many good, fulfilling ones of his own is a little sad. ]
And to be shaped by experience at all is a blessing, indeed. So, yes, precisely - on both counts.
[ zuriel always gets it - it makes taair happy. he nods along, leaning back now on his hands to look upwards, up to the skies overhead. every experience to him has its joys. small as they might be, they are so much more than his life was before. every moment this group spends, happy and horrible, leaves its mark.
as for the last bit... taair listens, taking in their words with a long moment of consideration. it's people you've never met and wished you could that sinks into his chest, a familiar chill of melancholy that curls into his bones. because it's true, achingly true: taair can read every history in the world, but it doesn't make up for the fact that he grew up utterly, completely alone. ]
...It is a bit sad. [ he says, finally, gaze turned upwards. ] To read of the tragedies of the world can be a heavy, heavy weight. There is so much record of people suffering - it is no wonder, that sometimes it feels easier for some to lean into pretty lies. A young child reading stories of the heroics of the Radiant Guard would never know the atrocities that those very same members of the guard committed against the common people of Iria in the sake of greed.
I don't mind. I'm quite used to it. [ keeping memories. uncovering truth. ] And I think... much as you said with experiences - keeping these things has taught me to appreciate the tender memories even more. In every dark moment, I can find a crack of light.
But... they are just memories, in the end. Stories of things that have already happened, to other people. And they do not fill the gap for experience as well as I would like.
It's always easier to lie and protect children. [ it's an idle thought, one they comment on briefly before moving onward. ] So long as you don't shield them from the truth later when they seek it for themselves.
I think as long as you have ways to let that light in, it isn't as bad. Being able to know what is and isn't real, and knowing what your own morals are in the face of that heaviness... that's the difference.
[ but. ] You have these next several weeks to fill the gap. Bad experiences like this, yes, but plenty of time for good ones. I hope all of you won't decide to start shying away now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Even having an idea of what to expect today, I don't think we knew what would come of it either. But I've never been to a real trial before. And I'm hoping we won't have to again.
[ really, really hoping. ]
This is already hard for a lot of you. I'm afraid this is going to make it much worse.
no subject
anyway. taair nods - especially at the last part, something in his heart just aching at the thought. at the sight of the others, at brimstone's rage, jiaoqiu's void of nothing. ]
So it is. I... think we'll find our way through it. But I can't imagine it will be easy. [ to say the very least. ] We will have to lean on each other even more, in the coming days.
And you all are tasked with such heavy responsibility, in the midst of it all. [ he does glance over, finally, soft, worried smile. ] That leaning will have to come from all of us.
no subject
[ to the last part, they pause a little before there's a shake of their head. ]
We'll be okay, I think. This has always been about your redemption. You don't have to worry about us on top of it.
no subject
[ he glances over, a side-eye just so. ]
Including the three of you. I've not had others to worry for. I quite like that I do, now, and I think I may have a great capacity for doing so.
[ for worrying. fussy ass hen. he sits back a bit on his hands further, then, looking up to the sky. ]
You know... when I felt at my lowest, at home, I used to sit out on the roof, just outside of my room, and stare out at the stars.
no subject
[ he cannot see their expression, but he may get the sense they're pouting juuuust slightly. ]
But I can't stop you, and all I can do is offer advice. Up to you all if you take it or leave it. And if that makes you happy, then... I'll support you from here.
[ there's a bit of quiet, ruminating on this. ]
I bet from there you'd be able to see so many of them. Nothing in the way and nothing tying you down. Right? Just open space. [ ... ] Did it help make you feel less alone?
[ or did it do the opposite? ]
no subject
It does. [ make him happy. ] You must know that worry comes from care, my dear friend. Above all. It is a blessing, to care so much - and to allow others to care for me, too. So, I'll do my very best not to burn myself out. And... I'll rely on you very much, in the future, so we may continue to have these little talks out in the garden, and I think that will help quite a bit in all walks of this very issue.
What do you think?
no subject
also, this is so sappy and so embarrassing but also this is a sentiment they agree with. ]
Of course I know it. [ ... ] Maybe you're right that it's a blessing. And it's why we can't take people for granted. It's about spending as much time with them as you can, knowing you may not have as much as you want. But it'll be enough if the time you do spend with them is filled with important moments.
So okay, fine. I really can't stop you from wanting to try. [ because they know what it's like to not have people that understood you for so long, and what a difference it really made when they finally did. ]
I'd like to continue this as long as we can. The good parts.
no subject
I like to think that I am quite good at continuing to try. I've met many a setback, after all.
[ i'm free i'm free dangit gif goes here
but since it is once again affection week, he nudges them lightly again with his shoulder. hehe. ]
And I would, too. When I used to spend those nights on the rooftop, I used to imagine spending my days traveling the world with friends - and an important part was sitting around a fire, laughing and sharing stories. So, now, I'd quite like to do that, enjoy those good parts - and live out those moments, like I always dreamed - with my dear friend this evening.
no subject
Maybe we should have gone to the beach to build a bonfire. But it felt like a poor idea, considering... [ charlie's body :( ] Next time though. I think... Charlie would have liked that. Knowing people are continuing to try for each other.
no subject
Yes...you can imagine how delighted I was, on Thursday, when I came to the beach and found other people there. And...how very quickly that delight disappeared.
[ considering. but. ]
But you're right - there are still very fond memories. And Charlie, a beacon of optimism among our cadre, likely would say the very same. [ fondly: ] She might even sing it.
no subject
[ they don't wish to speak poorly of the dead, but... ]
Charlie may have been too optimistic at times. She had a lot of energy. [ ... ] I wonder if she'd still feel the same now. That everyone deserves to be redeemed.
no subject
And... I think, undoubtedly, she would. I think the first thing she would do is tell the general she forgives him, whether he feels remorseful for it or not.
[ it's so hard to imagine otherwise. charlie's songbird presence brought a lot of joy to taair's life, too. ]
Perhaps it is not a bad thing to temper our optimism a bit. I feel I need someone as realistic as you for balance. [ a little lightly, there, teasing. ] But her determination - and her kindness. Those are wonderful qualities, and things I hope we can emulate as we go forward.
no subject
I tried to tell her once that she needed to be a little more firm and forgiving of people being mean to her. But she was always going to do things her own way.
[ and now she's gone. ]
I don't mind being realistic. [ their profile does, in fact, seem to think that's the type of person they are. ] But I think you're right. Her kindness was probably why so many people were upset. You don't think people like that are going to be the ones who disappear first. I don't know if anyone will ever be as good at it as she was, but we'll do our best.
no subject
[ because of course he did. his notebook, tucked into his holster beside his chronicle, has already begun to fill with stories of the people here, let alone with the notes from the trial itself. typical taair the historian, but zuriel nails it - there is no pretending this never happened. the idea of that makes him feel a little ill, which is even less surprising.
at the rest, though... though the sadness settles in his bones like a bird nesting in its ribcage, his memory of charlie is warm and fond, even still. ]
I think you've said it well, too. That is what we must do, yes? Carry on the memory of those who came before. [ taair smiles at that, a little more lightly, and taps himself on the cheek once. ] I'm something of an expert.
no subject
but of course he did. this does not surprise them at all. ]
That's... actually sweet, Taair. Even if I'm sure half of the people here have no idea what an obituary is, doing something to preserve her memory should be an action nobody can misread. I'm a little surprised you were even able to find enough sense in what happened to write it down.
[ but he's good at his craft, it seems, so maybe they should not be that surprised. instead, they let that sentence hang as they debate how to approach the subject. ]
Even if it isn't easy, it's the right thing to do. Putting them aside just to make it hurt less isn't an option. [ ... ] I'm not sure I like the idea of you being an expert in that particular field though.
no subject
Memory is something of an important subject for me - both as a scholar of history, and in my own personal life. The duty of a historian is to record human experience, to treasure it all, good and bad, so when time sands the edges off of our sharpness, the events that happened remain. Honestly - I think we discussed before, that I enjoy the mystery of piecing together parts to find a whole. I'm sure if the circumstances were less grim, I would've found this experience to be joyful, but the grimness of it all greatly outweighs any novelty, and that is a gross understatement.
[ what we're getting it is that taair would love mafia (the game) but people's actual lives! not so much. but he does make a very good notetaker, because of it.
the last question has him tilt his head. ] In which field?
no subject
But we have, yes. There's an appeal in piecing together everything to create a whole. Even with the grimness... it's a novelty. Not all experiences are good experiences, but they shape us, don't you think?
[ please help him, he does not deserve the murder. but zuriel shakes their head. ]
But I mean the field of carrying memories. It's a good thing to do, but at the same time it feels like it could be sad if the memories are of people you've lost. Or people you've never met and wished you could. Maybe saying I don't know if I like it isn't quite right.
[ but they've kind of already assigned him as a lonely person and think that living with the memories of other people and not many good, fulfilling ones of his own is a little sad. ]
no subject
[ zuriel always gets it - it makes taair happy. he nods along, leaning back now on his hands to look upwards, up to the skies overhead. every experience to him has its joys. small as they might be, they are so much more than his life was before. every moment this group spends, happy and horrible, leaves its mark.
as for the last bit... taair listens, taking in their words with a long moment of consideration. it's people you've never met and wished you could that sinks into his chest, a familiar chill of melancholy that curls into his bones. because it's true, achingly true: taair can read every history in the world, but it doesn't make up for the fact that he grew up utterly, completely alone. ]
...It is a bit sad. [ he says, finally, gaze turned upwards. ] To read of the tragedies of the world can be a heavy, heavy weight. There is so much record of people suffering - it is no wonder, that sometimes it feels easier for some to lean into pretty lies. A young child reading stories of the heroics of the Radiant Guard would never know the atrocities that those very same members of the guard committed against the common people of Iria in the sake of greed.
I don't mind. I'm quite used to it. [ keeping memories. uncovering truth. ] And I think... much as you said with experiences - keeping these things has taught me to appreciate the tender memories even more. In every dark moment, I can find a crack of light.
But... they are just memories, in the end. Stories of things that have already happened, to other people. And they do not fill the gap for experience as well as I would like.
no subject
I think as long as you have ways to let that light in, it isn't as bad. Being able to know what is and isn't real, and knowing what your own morals are in the face of that heaviness... that's the difference.
[ but. ] You have these next several weeks to fill the gap. Bad experiences like this, yes, but plenty of time for good ones. I hope all of you won't decide to start shying away now.