Trauma response. Yeah, I... get it? Sometimes things get bad enough you sort of black out and when you come to, you realize what you've done. But you can't actually handle it because it's horrible. I wish it wasn't like that for him. [ there's a pause. ]
He seemed to believe God told him to kill the others though to purify their souls.
Yeah. We've... had a lot of conversations about it. Faith and stuff. I never fully got how he could believe so strongly in his, and I don't know if he ever fully got why I can't always keep mine.
But I do think there were a lot of factors that played into what happened. I can only hope time in the healing center helps, even a little.
Because sometimes even strong belief isn't enough. [ also from experience. ] I don't know if I ever wanted to fully believe when I was a kid, but I still go back and forth a lot on what faith actually means. Who it's for and everything.
I have not seen faith treat many well. I loved Lady Shar because Lady Shar's followers took everything else from me, such that if I did not love and was not loved by Lady Shar, I would have nothing.
[faith as a sort of desperation, you must hold onto it because otherwise it's only emptiness.]
And I have seen how quickly the followers of kinder gods are turned to the crueler ones because the crueler ones are usually willing to promise more.
... I think it was like that for Lucas, too. Based on the stuff he said to me. He'd asked for the help of one god for so long and got ignored, but then he received help from another who helped start to heal his sister. [ a tired sigh. ] And then God, supposedly, asked him to kill people to purify their souls and send them to be cleansed. I don't know how to feel about it.
[ murder is so bad but also the man is insane maybe? ]
You already know my thoughts on Shar, so I'll spare you the rehash. It's just... sad. I've known some people who were devout their whole life and never saw anything for it. But people are only human. And humans are scared of the unknown.
Even now, I still wonder whether I truly have the courage to face the things that frighten me without Shar.
[but she's determined to try anyway.]
That is not uncommon. I knew a man who was a devout follower of Selûne, known far and wide as one of her great champions, the steward of her lands. And then his only daughter was killed, and in his grief, he abandoned her. Turned first to Lady Shar who promised help avenging her death, and then to a god of death, who promised him he could have her returned to him.
And yet I can't help but wonder why, if it was possible to revive his daughter, Selûne could not have done it. I'm sure there is a reason, some general sense of fairness and the correct way of things, but it is hard not to fault him turning to someone who would.
[she sighs.]
I feel very sorry for Lucas. I know what he saw in that church was cruel beyond measure to him.
Maybe having courage is knowing you might not. Forcing yourself to do the things you know are for the better, even if they scare you a lot.
[ they seem to say this with some understanding. ]
... did Selûne ever explain why she wasn't able to help? Did he ever get to ask? Even if it was just to say "I couldn't", wouldn't that have been better? I don't know. I think I could agree it's hard not to fault someone for that.
[ there's a frown at the mention of the church though. ]
I haven't asked him. Do not misunderstand, this is a very evil man who my friends and I intend to kill. I do fault him for a great number of things he's done. But that story does make you think. How much misery would have been avoided if she had interceded for him before he began doing the bidding of darker gods.
I think people can be terrible and you can still see their point. Doesn't mean they're less terrible people. [ so yeah. ] It's like.. a chain reaction, right? If he hadn't been abandoned by his god, would he have turned to then worship a different god and hurt more people, who might's hurt other people, too?
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[she thought all the oddness in the memory was likely the same thing that was happening to her, different timelines from the week prior popping up.]
But after talking to him about Yves, I think so. He could not remember what happened to Yves, but it was more like he was determined not to remember.
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He seemed to believe God told him to kill the others though to purify their souls.
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I know. I assumed that was his affliction, though. His faith seemed... complicated. And maybe the affliction made it much worse for him.
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But I do think there were a lot of factors that played into what happened. I can only hope time in the healing center helps, even a little.
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[speaking from experience.]
Why couldn't you keep yours?
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[faith as a sort of desperation, you must hold onto it because otherwise it's only emptiness.]
And I have seen how quickly the followers of kinder gods are turned to the crueler ones because the crueler ones are usually willing to promise more.
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[ murder is so bad but also the man is insane maybe? ]
You already know my thoughts on Shar, so I'll spare you the rehash. It's just... sad. I've known some people who were devout their whole life and never saw anything for it. But people are only human. And humans are scared of the unknown.
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[but she's determined to try anyway.]
That is not uncommon. I knew a man who was a devout follower of Selûne, known far and wide as one of her great champions, the steward of her lands. And then his only daughter was killed, and in his grief, he abandoned her. Turned first to Lady Shar who promised help avenging her death, and then to a god of death, who promised him he could have her returned to him.
And yet I can't help but wonder why, if it was possible to revive his daughter, Selûne could not have done it. I'm sure there is a reason, some general sense of fairness and the correct way of things, but it is hard not to fault him turning to someone who would.
[she sighs.]
I feel very sorry for Lucas. I know what he saw in that church was cruel beyond measure to him.
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[ they seem to say this with some understanding. ]
... did Selûne ever explain why she wasn't able to help? Did he ever get to ask? Even if it was just to say "I couldn't", wouldn't that have been better? I don't know. I think I could agree it's hard not to fault someone for that.
[ there's a frown at the mention of the church though. ]
Have you written to him?
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[she nods at the question though.]
Yes, I have.
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[ but there's a nod. ]
I've heard it helps them to do so.