[Why would the boy expect anything of the sort? He doesn't live here, he's only visiting — hence the rented room. He doesn't know what to expect in Derry, and he doesn't know what to make of the sodden-sounding man at his door in the middle of the night.
But this is a boy who rarely understands. He's always had trouble grasping the whys and hows of social niceties, or what the value of a relationship is. He expects very little of the grown ups around him, because they've given so little in the past.
Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. He gasps. He doesn't fall back. Rather he's still standing as Anders moves away, gasping desperately in the doorway. Leaning on it, clutching at the blood as if it might be scooped back inside. It's over very quickly, though not painlessly. There's no such thing as a painless death.
Kaworu topples forward, sprawled and leaking into the hall.
404 is next, consecutively, then 504. He can take the stairs.]
[ he has absolutely no thoughts or feelings about this sight, about what it could mean or who this person is or was. he's not even annoyed by the blood leaking across the door jamb and getting onto the bottoms of his boots. it is simply what was required of him.
it's funny (not to anders) that this procedure is supposed to make mages less dangerous. he doesn't wipe the knife off. that seems like it would waste time.
[ the way you are trying to delay my killing spree by having them not open the door immediately.
well that's fine. his tone is cold and unaffected, calm. like a lake with no breeze. there's no reason to be afraid, but it's still frightening. no person, no real person, has nothing behind their voice. it is the voice of a ghost, or a memory. ]
[Maybe some of these people have reason to be wary, it's like two or three am man
There's more silence. Then, some movement. Eventually, there are footsteps up to the door.
It yanks open in a flash, and there's a sharp, viscious slap across his face with a walloping metal finish. A belt, buckle end out, whipped fast and true to the head.
The man with the rest of it looped around his fist may be hard to place, even to Anders' usual state of mind. He's lost all his childhood weight you see, and turned into a handsome, mild-mannered man with broad shoulders and sturdy arms to match.
It's Ben Hanscom's eyes that give him away. Eyes that widen in shock, placing him at once.]
[ his head twists to the side viciously - it's not exactly difficult to knock him off his center. he's an average adult man, far too on the skinny side. it sends him crashing back against the opposite wall with an exhale of breathe from the force of it but it doesn't slow him down much. he does not feel pain, because pain is an emotion that is unnecessary.
he isn't angry about the hit. he isn't swayed by the recognition. he simply is. a bit of blood drips down his temple, curving around his chin. ]
It has been a long time, Ben.
[ not with any nostalgia. simply a fact. it has been a long time. years. ]
[Ben is frozen, stunned stiff. Then he speaks slow, cautious.]
...That it has, Andy. I can't say I was expecting you.
[He doesn't move. The door is only partially open, and between two men of a size and a grit, who could both make it over quick. Shut it or kick it open. Ben's eyes are locked dead on Anders, feeling out the stand-off.
[ if there is one thing the Tranquil are good at, it is single-minded purpose. It is why the Chantry values them so much. their minds are well-suited to tasks that no one else necessarily wants to perform. they can be set to research a dull subject for years on end, with no sign of boredom or fatigue. they can put to cleaning duty, to washing every linen in the tower with no complaints of dried hands from scalding water and harsh soaps. they can be made to work the lyrium - a substance that in its raw form can sicken and kill a true mage, but once worked into enchantment, can be sold for astronomical sums. they are made to work as templar secretaries, as shopkeepers, as uncomplaining bed partners, as bodies that are disposable and valuable. they are vital, and necessary.
he does not feel fear. he does not feel irritation that ben has placed an obstacle between them. he merely stands again and shoves his arm into the door to stop it from closing. if it breaks the bone, then it will break. shoving his way in, regardless. ]
Edited 2025-03-13 02:47 (UTC)
CW: Mentions of bullying, mutilation, attempted child murder, patricide
[It's a single-minded purpose Ben recognizes. Not of the Tranquil of course, but of an old schoolyard foe. Andy, Jen, and Del may not have borne the brunt of the Bowers' gang's wrath, and they died before that wrath turned bloody. Henry Bowers, a bitter, bigoted, violent brute had begun the summer trying to carve his initial's into Ben's stomach. He ended it by taking a switchblade to his own father's neck and chasing all seven of the Losers into the sewers, gone in the brain and dead-set on killing them. Made into a loyal dog for It.
He assumes, half-correctly, that something of the same ilk is happening here. Except Andy should be dead.
The brawl that ensues is a mess. Anders has a knife but Ben has muscle and smarts. He flings a chair at the other man in a pique of adrenaline rage, knocks him down. The two wrestle for the knife. Anders may not have the bodily advantage, especially once Ben straddles him and cracks a fist into his face, but his single-minded determination wins out. The hand with the knife is pinned, but he strikes at Ben's neck with the other, and that grants him the leeway to wrest free. The knife strikes above his collar first. Then his neck, punched in through the jugular. Ben slaps at the damage, stunned, and slumps dead on top of Anders. His still gushing blood soaks his cloak and trickles around the back of his neck.]
[ he should be dead. but there are fates worse than death.
the feeling of a body slumped on top of himself after a stab through the neck, after violently wrestling on the ground for control of a knife in a life or death struggle, should evoke something. how many times will he find himself here. it should cast a shadow so deep and dark he might never rise from the floor again. but it doesn't. it doesn't.
he isn't sure if his arm still works appropriately. it will be a disadvantage, but he is a healer. he can tend to it later, after the work is done. pushing the body off and onto the ground, and rising to his feet.
504 is directly above 404. It wasn't symbolic or intentional, don't read into it. But it does cast an unseemly echo to trudge up the stairs with fresh wound and hop right back to it. Anders knocks, and the person behind the door curses. They roll out of bed and land on their feet with a hefty thump, and open the door with zero cause for concern.
It's hard to get the jump on them, anyway, when you look that much like trouble.]
...Oh boy. What do we have here?
[He'll counter any strike in an instant. Eyes flashing, teeth in a devious grin.]
[ it's a blessing, to have single-minded purpose. it allows the Tranquil to do the work that must be done, without fear of boredom, or distraction. if he had any feeling on this, then it is a place so far away that it is inconsequential. in a sense, it is already being dead, wandering the earth like a sleepwalker amongst the living.
his arm hangs by his hand uselessly, and his lone thought is an idle wonder if he should have paused to set it before carrying onto this portion of the great work. if it will hinder him in any way from doing what must be done. it isn't as if he doesn't have memories. he does. he remembers everything, in a distant and hazy way, as if seen through the fog of the Fade. he knows what it is like to be a dog, trailing behind its master, begging for a scrap of attention and resenting himself when he is too eager for any of it. what is it like to remember to be a wolf, a creature of vengeance and blood, who is willing to do the work that he could not bring himself to do.
and now he is neither of those things. he does not know what he is, because he does not think about it. those are the thoughts of a broken, haunted creature, and he is not that animal anymore. it is safe, here. ]
I will not be any trouble.
[ in that even, unaffected tone. he will not be any trouble. but he should hurry. time is running out. if a strike is countered, he begins again - relentless. ]
This is a man even bigger than Ben. But he is a hungover one. Bear-like and brash, confident and broad, whereas Anders has become a weapon. Thoughtless and numb. The damage done to his body hinders little of his aims in the fight that pursues.
Hawke goes for the nerves. Punching into the sternum in rapid succession. Anders goes for the neck and catches the thick muscle of his shoulder instead. Hawke snatches the hand and wrenches it back out, snarling as his blood leaps out alongside. He improvises, snatching a vase and dashing it against Anders' head.]
Who the hell are you, anyway?
[He roars, half serious and half amused. This is the last thing he had on his bingo card for tonight, but what the hell. Why the fuck not. Why fucking not?]
[ it's getting more difficult to move now. even by pure determination, instinct and electrical impulse. blood is clouding your vision enough that the practicalities of shoving a knife into flesh become difficult just because you cannot see. still, you have been asked a question. you will be accomodating. ]
❚❚❚❚❚❚.
[ hawke doesn't know this name in any universe. you'd never told him.
still you have your memories. and you know this one. there's a whole book, you see. The Tale of the Champion. a storybook hero that has saved a city unworthy of being saved a hundred-fold times over. A wisecracking, foolhardy, handsome leading man who defies the Chantry at every turn. A mage who has found a group of unlikely friends he protects through thick and thin. people who he cares for and stands by at every turn, even through disagreement and strife, he is still stalwart and brave.
except for you.
you think you've always scared him. the violence in your heart and the violence of your love. but you were the betrayer. the knife between the hero's shoulder blades, the one who ruined absolutely everything. it is why it is better you are like this now. someone who burns like the sun will inevitably burn himself out to a hollow pit of ash, and everything around him too. he had put you down once, like a dog. you had always thought something foolish then: that your crime had never been the act of destroying the Chantry itself, but was more not relying on the beautiful hero to save you. to disallow him a chance to stop you. the crime was never hurting kirkwall or innocents or the Grand Cleric, but was always hurting hawke's feelings.
none of that bothers you now. none of it matters. you have been suitably punished for those sins. and now he is free of you, and every wound you have ever inflicted on him.
in a practiced motion, you slide the knife between his ribs, flesh parting. you know how to do this by now. you've done it once, and dreamed of it every night since. ]
This Hawke has never loved an Anders. Or an Andy. This Hawke has no particular feelings about the dead-eyed creep who knocked on his door in the dark of morning, only to start a robotic brawl in his hotel room. He's had fights in hotels before, but nothing so kooky and unprompted as this.
He could have loved an Andy, though. He likes a little fire. He likes a rebellious spirit, even if it's a somewhat pathetic one. And he does love a blond, especially a tall one. It's ships in the night here, and it's really too bad, because when you took out the Chantry, Kirkwall, and the high fantasy morals, when you took out the possession, the knives and the constant heat of battle, maybe it wouldn't have had to be so hard. Maybe it could have been a love you slipped easily into, like other people do. Not smooth sailing, but no executions. No disagreements over political stances, over enslavement and who was wronged more, and you're making a mess of this party, Anders.
They could have hit the town and had a pint, had a roll around, had a damn good time cruising across state lines and falling into each other. Learning new things about love.
Instead, Hawke recognizes the kill shot for what it is, and the mirth starts to crack in his face. He pushes Anders off, bodily. He trips, flopping backwards into the bed, then onto the floor, holding his gut and wheezing.
There's no need to stick around. He'll be dead within minutes. It's done for.]
[ maybe. maybe maybe maybe. things don't always have to be so hard.
but without all of those layers of flesh on bone, without the politics, without the chantry, without the mages, without kirkwall, without a lifetime of violence and fury, without knives and heat and justice, is he anything at all? a healer who can no longer heal, a mind that can never stay still for long enough to settle, a bad joke or two. A fondness for cats. a coward's heart. That's about it. certainly whatever is left after all of that is not worthy of love.
(he had always called hawke the one bright light in kirkwall. but hawke was not the one who had a lit lantern above a healer's door in a place called darktown.)
hawke is done for. whoever is left in this body, the victor's, is alone. if he had any feelings at all, it's that he misses justice. they had promised each other that neither of them would ever be alone again. maybe that's what true love is.
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holyspirits) wrote2025-03-09 04:46 pm
no subject
But this is a boy who rarely understands. He's always had trouble grasping the whys and hows of social niceties, or what the value of a relationship is. He expects very little of the grown ups around him, because they've given so little in the past.
Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. He gasps. He doesn't fall back. Rather he's still standing as Anders moves away, gasping desperately in the doorway. Leaning on it, clutching at the blood as if it might be scooped back inside. It's over very quickly, though not painlessly. There's no such thing as a painless death.
Kaworu topples forward, sprawled and leaking into the hall.
404 is next, consecutively, then 504. He can take the stairs.]
no subject
it's funny (not to anders) that this procedure is supposed to make mages less dangerous. he doesn't wipe the knife off. that seems like it would waste time.
onto the next. ]
no subject
The next room is 404. This time there's not an immediate response. Then, hesitantly, a man's voice calls out.]
Who is it?
no subject
well that's fine. his tone is cold and unaffected, calm. like a lake with no breeze. there's no reason to be afraid, but it's still frightening. no person, no real person, has nothing behind their voice. it is the voice of a ghost, or a memory. ]
Please open the door.
no subject
There's more silence. Then, some movement. Eventually, there are footsteps up to the door.
It yanks open in a flash, and there's a sharp, viscious slap across his face with a walloping metal finish. A belt, buckle end out, whipped fast and true to the head.
The man with the rest of it looped around his fist may be hard to place, even to Anders' usual state of mind. He's lost all his childhood weight you see, and turned into a handsome, mild-mannered man with broad shoulders and sturdy arms to match.
It's Ben Hanscom's eyes that give him away. Eyes that widen in shock, placing him at once.]
Andy?
no subject
he isn't angry about the hit. he isn't swayed by the recognition. he simply is. a bit of blood drips down his temple, curving around his chin. ]
It has been a long time, Ben.
[ not with any nostalgia. simply a fact. it has been a long time. years. ]
Would you open the door? I have a job to perform.
no subject
...That it has, Andy. I can't say I was expecting you.
[He doesn't move. The door is only partially open, and between two men of a size and a grit, who could both make it over quick. Shut it or kick it open. Ben's eyes are locked dead on Anders, feeling out the stand-off.
Then he jolts forward to ram it shut.]
cw: reference to SA
he does not feel fear. he does not feel irritation that ben has placed an obstacle between them. he merely stands again and shoves his arm into the door to stop it from closing. if it breaks the bone, then it will break. shoving his way in, regardless. ]
CW: Mentions of bullying, mutilation, attempted child murder, patricide
He assumes, half-correctly, that something of the same ilk is happening here. Except Andy should be dead.
The brawl that ensues is a mess. Anders has a knife but Ben has muscle and smarts. He flings a chair at the other man in a pique of adrenaline rage, knocks him down. The two wrestle for the knife. Anders may not have the bodily advantage, especially once Ben straddles him and cracks a fist into his face, but his single-minded determination wins out. The hand with the knife is pinned, but he strikes at Ben's neck with the other, and that grants him the leeway to wrest free. The knife strikes above his collar first. Then his neck, punched in through the jugular. Ben slaps at the damage, stunned, and slumps dead on top of Anders. His still gushing blood soaks his cloak and trickles around the back of his neck.]
no subject
the feeling of a body slumped on top of himself after a stab through the neck, after violently wrestling on the ground for control of a knife in a life or death struggle, should evoke something. how many times will he find himself here. it should cast a shadow so deep and dark he might never rise from the floor again. but it doesn't. it doesn't.
he isn't sure if his arm still works appropriately. it will be a disadvantage, but he is a healer. he can tend to it later, after the work is done. pushing the body off and onto the ground, and rising to his feet.
heading for the final room. ]
no subject
504 is directly above 404. It wasn't symbolic or intentional, don't read into it. But it does cast an unseemly echo to trudge up the stairs with fresh wound and hop right back to it. Anders knocks, and the person behind the door curses. They roll out of bed and land on their feet with a hefty thump, and open the door with zero cause for concern.
It's hard to get the jump on them, anyway, when you look that much like trouble.]
[He'll counter any strike in an instant. Eyes flashing, teeth in a devious grin.]
I hope it's not trouble...
no subject
his arm hangs by his hand uselessly, and his lone thought is an idle wonder if he should have paused to set it before carrying onto this portion of the great work. if it will hinder him in any way from doing what must be done. it isn't as if he doesn't have memories. he does. he remembers everything, in a distant and hazy way, as if seen through the fog of the Fade. he knows what it is like to be a dog, trailing behind its master, begging for a scrap of attention and resenting himself when he is too eager for any of it. what is it like to remember to be a wolf, a creature of vengeance and blood, who is willing to do the work that he could not bring himself to do.
and now he is neither of those things. he does not know what he is, because he does not think about it. those are the thoughts of a broken, haunted creature, and he is not that animal anymore. it is safe, here. ]
I will not be any trouble.
[ in that even, unaffected tone. he will not be any trouble. but he should hurry. time is running out. if a strike is countered, he begins again - relentless. ]
no subject
[And he means it, too.
This is a man even bigger than Ben. But he is a hungover one. Bear-like and brash, confident and broad, whereas Anders has become a weapon. Thoughtless and numb. The damage done to his body hinders little of his aims in the fight that pursues.
Hawke goes for the nerves. Punching into the sternum in rapid succession. Anders goes for the neck and catches the thick muscle of his shoulder instead. Hawke snatches the hand and wrenches it back out, snarling as his blood leaps out alongside. He improvises, snatching a vase and dashing it against Anders' head.]
Who the hell are you, anyway?
[He roars, half serious and half amused. This is the last thing he had on his bingo card for tonight, but what the hell. Why the fuck not. Why fucking not?]
no subject
❚❚❚❚❚❚.
[ hawke doesn't know this name in any universe. you'd never told him.
still you have your memories. and you know this one. there's a whole book, you see. The Tale of the Champion. a storybook hero that has saved a city unworthy of being saved a hundred-fold times over. A wisecracking, foolhardy, handsome leading man who defies the Chantry at every turn. A mage who has found a group of unlikely friends he protects through thick and thin. people who he cares for and stands by at every turn, even through disagreement and strife, he is still stalwart and brave.
except for you.
you think you've always scared him. the violence in your heart and the violence of your love. but you were the betrayer. the knife between the hero's shoulder blades, the one who ruined absolutely everything. it is why it is better you are like this now. someone who burns like the sun will inevitably burn himself out to a hollow pit of ash, and everything around him too. he had put you down once, like a dog. you had always thought something foolish then: that your crime had never been the act of destroying the Chantry itself, but was more not relying on the beautiful hero to save you. to disallow him a chance to stop you. the crime was never hurting kirkwall or innocents or the Grand Cleric, but was always hurting hawke's feelings.
none of that bothers you now. none of it matters. you have been suitably punished for those sins. and now he is free of you, and every wound you have ever inflicted on him.
in a practiced motion, you slide the knife between his ribs, flesh parting. you know how to do this by now. you've done it once, and dreamed of it every night since. ]
no subject
This Hawke has never loved an Anders. Or an Andy. This Hawke has no particular feelings about the dead-eyed creep who knocked on his door in the dark of morning, only to start a robotic brawl in his hotel room. He's had fights in hotels before, but nothing so kooky and unprompted as this.
He could have loved an Andy, though. He likes a little fire. He likes a rebellious spirit, even if it's a somewhat pathetic one. And he does love a blond, especially a tall one. It's ships in the night here, and it's really too bad, because when you took out the Chantry, Kirkwall, and the high fantasy morals, when you took out the possession, the knives and the constant heat of battle, maybe it wouldn't have had to be so hard. Maybe it could have been a love you slipped easily into, like other people do. Not smooth sailing, but no executions. No disagreements over political stances, over enslavement and who was wronged more, and you're making a mess of this party, Anders.
They could have hit the town and had a pint, had a roll around, had a damn good time cruising across state lines and falling into each other. Learning new things about love.
Instead, Hawke recognizes the kill shot for what it is, and the mirth starts to crack in his face. He pushes Anders off, bodily. He trips, flopping backwards into the bed, then onto the floor, holding his gut and wheezing.
There's no need to stick around. He'll be dead within minutes. It's done for.]
no subject
but without all of those layers of flesh on bone, without the politics, without the chantry, without the mages, without kirkwall, without a lifetime of violence and fury, without knives and heat and justice, is he anything at all? a healer who can no longer heal, a mind that can never stay still for long enough to settle, a bad joke or two. A fondness for cats. a coward's heart. That's about it. certainly whatever is left after all of that is not worthy of love.
(he had always called hawke the one bright light in kirkwall. but hawke was not the one who had a lit lantern above a healer's door in a place called darktown.)
hawke is done for. whoever is left in this body, the victor's, is alone. if he had any feelings at all, it's that he misses justice. they had promised each other that neither of them would ever be alone again. maybe that's what true love is.
he turns around to head back to the car. ]