[He slows down until he comes to a stop, waiting on Kiraman without rushing anything. Some of the memories are embarrassing (for him), but he doesn't keep Kiraman from seeing them. Can't probably anyway.]
[Thoughtful, he idly stares at one of the looping memories. Once he refocuses on it, he glances away.]
It has no goal, I don't think. It has no motivations. Not like... humans, if that makes sense. It simply is. It conforms to whoever wields it, I suppose.
My goals became its goals since I was the conduit. I want to help others. [He lifts his head.] I want a world of peace with no disease or need for violence.
It does what it thinks necessary to make these things happen. I'm thankful for your willingness to help, but the apprehension of losing my power to help others... I guess that's why it sees you as a threat.
Do you yourself see me as a threat? [ he just has to ask, because he's never really asked viktor how much he wants kiraman meddling with him and his form. ] The hexcore is reactionary to you, but you're also reacting to the hexcore. Like symbiosis. What one does the other follows the other feeds the other takes. Neither can act independently anymore without a nudge from the first.
Not... in the way you may think. I'm not afraid of you hurting me. I'm not afraid of your intentions. You... are a good man. [Boy? Whatever.] I simply...
[His eyes lift to the memories.]
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of becoming the man I was before. [The one desperately injecting Shimmer into a rail-thin leg.] Weak. Sick.
I'm afraid I'll one again be dying. Stupid, I know... Considering.
[ well that's nice, because considering his everything the last thing he wants is to be seen as someone who will hurt a person who's just trying to fix things.
the rest though... understandable. ]
I don't think it's stupid. [ ... ] I said I was fine dying before, but Mist said I wasn't. At the time, I was mad at her for insisting she knew me better than I did, but looking back on it maybe she was right. Even if you know it's coming, no one likes to die. And now that you know what life could be like, it feels worse considering you could lose everything again.
...I get it. I know. [ there's a frown to it, but he does understand. ] Maybe the answer is finding a new strategy then. Like having the answer already in place before disconnecting you from the Hexcore, so it knows your body isn't in danger of shutdown.
[His brows furrow. Not that Kiraman is wrong, by any means. He's just thinking. THEY THINK TOO MUCH ALREADY.
He turns in place to look at another memory, to appraise another one afterward.]
I don't want to lose it... I want to... I want to control it better. I want to be me, but seamlessly integrated with it. Is that... not possible? Because... Jayce and I weren't meant to wield the arcane? But that's why we created Hextech.
... it has to be. It's just about finding the root of the problem and creating the patch to bridge the broken gap. But to find that gap, the Hexcore has to let us in. It's no different than solving for integrity.
[Well. It's a start. Starting is the first hurdle. He ponders a little longer with the hallway of always, and then he turns around to go to Kiraman.]
I will try, and then we will keep trying.
[He puts both what are undoubtedly hands on each side of Kiraman's face.] Go back. We will try again after I have done some things. [He commences RETURN before Kiraman can protest. The strangeness of returning to the undead heaven side which I'm praying is not brains in a vat.]
As long as the things you're doing are... [ well. sound of mind, etc. he does not entirely know what he wants to say, but he does have to trust viktor. so back they go.
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We have to make it see the logic behind this.
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Exactly. It's about tricking it into recognizing a pattern as a consistent logical loop rather than an outlier. So. How do you make it see logic?
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It has no goal, I don't think. It has no motivations. Not like... humans, if that makes sense. It simply is. It conforms to whoever wields it, I suppose.
My goals became its goals since I was the conduit. I want to help others. [He lifts his head.] I want a world of peace with no disease or need for violence.
It does what it thinks necessary to make these things happen. I'm thankful for your willingness to help, but the apprehension of losing my power to help others... I guess that's why it sees you as a threat.
no subject
Do you yourself see me as a threat? [ he just has to ask, because he's never really asked viktor how much he wants kiraman meddling with him and his form. ] The hexcore is reactionary to you, but you're also reacting to the hexcore. Like symbiosis. What one does the other follows the other feeds the other takes. Neither can act independently anymore without a nudge from the first.
no subject
[LISTEN. Look. He glances away slightly.]
Not... in the way you may think. I'm not afraid of you hurting me. I'm not afraid of your intentions. You... are a good man. [Boy? Whatever.] I simply...
[His eyes lift to the memories.]
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of becoming the man I was before. [The one desperately injecting Shimmer into a rail-thin leg.] Weak. Sick.
I'm afraid I'll one again be dying. Stupid, I know... Considering.
[HE'S DEAD.]
no subject
the rest though... understandable. ]
I don't think it's stupid. [ ... ] I said I was fine dying before, but Mist said I wasn't. At the time, I was mad at her for insisting she knew me better than I did, but looking back on it maybe she was right. Even if you know it's coming, no one likes to die. And now that you know what life could be like, it feels worse considering you could lose everything again.
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The resistance is... subconscious. I am trying not to, but the Hexcore unfortunately can read those intentions, so I'm sorry.
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He turns in place to look at another memory, to appraise another one afterward.]
I don't want to lose it... I want to... I want to control it better. I want to be me, but seamlessly integrated with it. Is that... not possible? Because... Jayce and I weren't meant to wield the arcane? But that's why we created Hextech.
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... it has to be. It's just about finding the root of the problem and creating the patch to bridge the broken gap. But to find that gap, the Hexcore has to let us in. It's no different than solving for integrity.
[ the last bit is to himself, but. ]
no subject
I will try, and then we will keep trying.
[He puts both what are undoubtedly hands on each side of Kiraman's face.] Go back. We will try again after I have done some things. [He commences RETURN before Kiraman can protest. The strangeness of returning to the undead heaven side which I'm praying is not brains in a vat.]
no subject
As long as the things you're doing are... [ well. sound of mind, etc. he does not entirely know what he wants to say, but he does have to trust viktor. so back they go.
BACK THEY GO BEFORE HE CAN SAY ANYTHING? damb. ]
We'll try again.