You know the sensation of crunching up aluminum foil? That's what happens to the emotions bleeding out of him. A big ol' uncomfortable crunchy of understanding and recollection of hurt.]
[ because everything in life is school, actually. ]
You have to graduate someday. To make room for your underclassmen to make the school their own. If you enrolled in a school that no one had ever graduated from, what could you hope to accomplish? To change? How would you ever find your place there?
And for those graduated, how would they find their place in the wider world?
[Damn, everyone here is school adjacent, and he is now old and not a schoolboy. His emotions dip again, not anger or resentment, but confliction maybe.]
I understand what you're saying. The change isn't the problem. Progress, evolution - it's needed. The problem is... choice. The conflicting parameters of the humanity to which everyone clings.
It is here, too. We see it every time we watch the others. Their love, their hate, their greed, their wrath, their joy. They love and help others only to turn around and hurt them or themselves. Is this not an entire movement by God based on a judgment of choice?
When do we evolve beyond those sorts of limitations and become something perfected? Wouldn't a god understand that?
[ she can accept stubborn. she'll try to change his mind slowly, but not impatiently. maybe a little more stubborn than she would usually be, though, since his feelings bleed over. ]
[Despite the deluded and poor execution, his feelings are profoundly earnest. He really does want a paradise of peace and prosperity, free of disease and violence and hardship.]
Without the struggle of society-imposed inequalities, a person is allowed to become their richer selves.
I think... That may be too big a question for me to answer. Just like I think it may be too big a question for you to try to answer.
[ at least the 'is it wrong to evolve' part. evolution is a slow and gradual thing. something that probably takes generations. rushing it seems like an insult to the way god created you. she will not say any of this. ]
I've changed. My faith has grown stronger. I've become more confident in myself. And in my choices. I'm excited to see what choices I'll continue to make in the future as I grow up. I'm even excited to see what mistakes I'll make.
[ she's young. ]
I think... that you are Viktor, and you have always been Viktor, and you will continue to be Viktor. In whatever ways you change, you will still be yourself. That's why you're beautiful.
What in life ever made him hurt to hear he was beautiful? It makes him think of all the things stacked against him he wanted to change: a lame leg ostracizing him; pollution undoubtedly ingrained within him - physically, maybe even genetically; climbing out the Undercity because God put a thorn of wonder in his brain useless to Zaun's lack of resources; the sunset of life approaching too early, trapping him in death's winter.
His emotions are an ocean, so unlike the docile him in reality.
For the longest time, he floats there without moving or saying anything. Then slowly, he turns halfway around to glance at her.]
We aren't arguing. We're just having a lovely conversation.
[ she does mean this. it's tranquil here, to her, and viktor is easy to talk to. easier here than outside, maybe. it may also be that they're discussing things she's far enough removed from that most of her emotional reaction to them is just his mirroring back. she doesn't have as much personal investment in real problems like poverty or pollution, because her world is - despite constant gun violence - largely a utopia.
nothing escapes the sisterhood's watchful eyes. but in practice, that just means she knows far too much about a lot of teenage girls stumbling their way into growing up. and she thinks of every step of that journey, even the missteps, as miracles. ]
I appreciate that you showed me this. That you talk to me even when we disagree.
[He frowns, but the mood is... uncertain. He did not think he was really that much different...? Or maybe... it's he didn't notice... No one has really ever been in here this way, to see him like this.]
I guess this is like... my soul, you would probably say.
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You know the sensation of crunching up aluminum foil? That's what happens to the emotions bleeding out of him. A big ol' uncomfortable crunchy of understanding and recollection of hurt.]
...Yes.
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I don't think it's good to enjoy anyone's suffering. But I imagine that if I wasn't mourned, I would be a little bit hurt by that.
It would be reassuring to know I was missed.
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[(unsure)]
But what if you wouldn't need to worry about mourning at all? About being missed. People wouldn't die. Those feelings would become obsolete.
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[ the afterlife doesn't count. she's just a hypocrite about this. ]
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[He doesn't sound or feel judgmental, or offended, but curious.]
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[ because everything in life is school, actually. ]
You have to graduate someday. To make room for your underclassmen to make the school their own. If you enrolled in a school that no one had ever graduated from, what could you hope to accomplish? To change? How would you ever find your place there?
And for those graduated, how would they find their place in the wider world?
[ the metaphorical afterlife, perhaps! ]
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I understand what you're saying. The change isn't the problem. Progress, evolution - it's needed. The problem is... choice. The conflicting parameters of the humanity to which everyone clings.
It is here, too. We see it every time we watch the others. Their love, their hate, their greed, their wrath, their joy. They love and help others only to turn around and hurt them or themselves. Is this not an entire movement by God based on a judgment of choice?
When do we evolve beyond those sorts of limitations and become something perfected? Wouldn't a god understand that?
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A world without choice is a world without meaning.
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I believe there can be meaning in a world without the choices to hurt other people.
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But what is that meaning?
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[Despite the deluded and poor execution, his feelings are profoundly earnest. He really does want a paradise of peace and prosperity, free of disease and violence and hardship.]
Without the struggle of society-imposed inequalities, a person is allowed to become their richer selves.
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It sounds like they're becoming someone else. Not themselves.
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He turns from her and peers out over the empty expanse. Frowns.]
Is it so wrong to become someone else as you grow into something better? That's evolution. Changing and adapting.
Are you the same person you were years ago, Lailah?
[He unfortunately could not see the Theseus's ship thought experiment at the time, but he has much experience with it.]
I'm not. Does this make me not Viktor? You only know me as this one.
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[ at least the 'is it wrong to evolve' part. evolution is a slow and gradual thing. something that probably takes generations. rushing it seems like an insult to the way god created you. she will not say any of this. ]
I've changed. My faith has grown stronger. I've become more confident in myself. And in my choices. I'm excited to see what choices I'll continue to make in the future as I grow up. I'm even excited to see what mistakes I'll make.
[ she's young. ]
I think... that you are Viktor, and you have always been Viktor, and you will continue to be Viktor. In whatever ways you change, you will still be yourself. That's why you're beautiful.
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What in life ever made him hurt to hear he was beautiful? It makes him think of all the things stacked against him he wanted to change: a lame leg ostracizing him; pollution undoubtedly ingrained within him - physically, maybe even genetically; climbing out the Undercity because God put a thorn of wonder in his brain useless to Zaun's lack of resources; the sunset of life approaching too early, trapping him in death's winter.
His emotions are an ocean, so unlike the docile him in reality.
For the longest time, he floats there without moving or saying anything. Then slowly, he turns halfway around to glance at her.]
I'm sorry for arguing.
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[ she does mean this. it's tranquil here, to her, and viktor is easy to talk to. easier here than outside, maybe. it may also be that they're discussing things she's far enough removed from that most of her emotional reaction to them is just his mirroring back. she doesn't have as much personal investment in real problems like poverty or pollution, because her world is - despite constant gun violence - largely a utopia.
nothing escapes the sisterhood's watchful eyes. but in practice, that just means she knows far too much about a lot of teenage girls stumbling their way into growing up. and she thinks of every step of that journey, even the missteps, as miracles. ]
I appreciate that you showed me this. That you talk to me even when we disagree.
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damn i can't say she's too good for heaven because that's why she's here it's fucking heaven I HATE IT!!!!]
You are easy to talk with. I'm sorry it always devolves into... that.
[Some wild ass dark spiral.]
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We're just both passionate about helping people in our own different ways. It's natural that we would keep circling the topic of our methods.
[ there's a slight hesitation to ask what she's wondering so she just hedges it as a statement instead. ]
You're more open here. I wonder why that is.
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You've mentioned something like this already.
[He frowns, but the mood is... uncertain. He did not think he was really that much different...? Or maybe... it's he didn't notice... No one has really ever been in here this way, to see him like this.]
I guess this is like... my soul, you would probably say.
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I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel self conscious about it.
It's just such a change. You're less subdued and that's nicer to see. I enjoy you much more when you're expressive.
Emotive.
[ because emotions are good, you see. ]
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Yes, you would say this. I'm aware you and Kiraman don't agree with my new methods.
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I believe that your heart is in the right place.
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[A good deed never goes unpunished!! Sometimes, you get punished by your own hubris.]
Thank you, though. Both of you. For our chats. I would thank Mary, but she usually agrees with me in some way or another.
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[ she has no idea if this is true or not. ]
Regardless of what I think, it's probably good that Mary agrees with you a little more. I wouldn't want you to feel like you're being ganged up on.
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I think by now, I would have simply accepted that is the way things would be.
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