Oh, I can see them, but I don't always have access to that sort of thing. That's kind of an Angel privilege. I took a read when I got back in town but they're also not that telling.
Anders, then. [ works for them. but... yikes. they contemplate over that, because it isn't exactly an idea they aren't used to. ]
A weird in between, like one foot on either side. And not fitting into one or the other makes it a little harder to be free because you're kinda, like, chained to the cons of each type of life. [ but, well. ] Or I'm just talking out of my ass and it's different for you.
[ he does not get that reference, but being referred to as monster does make him tense up. but yes, exactly. the kind of horror story the mage apprentices whisper to one another in the middle of the night to keep each other awake. ]
I ... hoped death would free him. [ apparently not specifying who "him" is. ] He could return to the Fade, maybe return to what he's supposed to be, instead of twisted by whatever is wrong inside with me. My anger. Instead we are still here, together, and selfishly-- I didn't want to be alone.
[ they did not mean to insult him, it was just a reference. maybe not even a good one. it's debatable if they have ever even read frankenstein. ]
... you got used to being together. Even if it's a toxic sort of relationship, it's better to be together than to struggle by yourself. [ they do not ask for clarification of who "he" is, but they almost seem to know without asking? ] What makes you so sure it's something that's wrong with you that's twisted everything and not a co-created problem?
[ that was a big part of it, wasn't it? no matter what, he'd never be alone again. ]
I guess I can't. Whatever we are now, neither of us is the same. But there is a great deal wrong with me. Probably all the years of being kicked in the head. He wanted Justice, I wanted to make them pay.
Constantly. [ they say that almost immediately, and it means they stop to consider what anders is trying to say. ] Oh. Sort of a two sides of the same coin situation.
And of those few things... good or bad? I think disagreeing on small things isn't bad, but a huge discrepancy of morals might be a problem. [ but. ] Did the disconnect start here?
[ the fact that so many of the npcs relate to this man is bad. you know that's bad right. it's extremely ominous to me, personally. why are you all so traumatized. ]
It's ... hard to qualify. [ justice doesn't exactly care for hawke, for one. ] No. If anything it's quieter here. I'm not losing time.
A swinging pendulum then. [ they interpret that as they change on the day, if this other entity (?) inside anders has its own thoughts and feelings on things. ] You said you didn't want to be alone. Do you think you would have felt that way even with so many people around right now?
It isn't exactly being around people. I'm around plenty of people. I always have been-- from the time I was in the Circle tower to being around everyone with Hawke all of the time. It is more idealogical.
[ about not feeling like you're fighting a hopeless battle entirely by yourself. that was the promise that was made, at any rate. they would help each other to achieve things they never could on their own. ]
[ ...give them a moment, they are pulling out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey before pouring a few fingers worth into one of them. they do lift the bottle though to ask if anders would like a drink. ]
Outside noise versus inside noise? It's easier to work through things on your own without everybody's opinions on your shoulders. "You're better than that." "How could you be so reckless?" "What the fuck were you thinking?"
... interesting. [ it's said quietly, like they're considering this but they don't take the glass back. they do nudge it a tiny bit closer just to show the invite is there, but they let anders go at his own pace to not sway him either way. ]
I've heard the last one a lot. Definitely top ten, if not top five.
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The Angels are the Angels, and I'm just somebody who needed a job. The Big Axolotl was hiring, so I said okay.
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[ just saying. ]
So you're not, then. A spirit? Or something else?
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[ they seem to pause while thinking over what they might be. ]
I think I'm still figuring out what I am. Maybe a spirit? Probably something else.
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[ waiting while they think. ]
Mm. The same, I guess.
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[ huh. ]
Got an idea what you want to be?
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[ it'll do. ]
Free. [ but that's not really possible. ] I'm not sure I'm human any longer. But I'm not a spirit either.
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A weird in between, like one foot on either side. And not fitting into one or the other makes it a little harder to be free because you're kinda, like, chained to the cons of each type of life. [ but, well. ] Or I'm just talking out of my ass and it's different for you.
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[ they don't have any real good words for that, but they can express the sentiment. ]
Who knows? Maybe being here will help figure out which side you'll settle on.
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I ... hoped death would free him. [ apparently not specifying who "him" is. ] He could return to the Fade, maybe return to what he's supposed to be, instead of twisted by whatever is wrong inside with me. My anger. Instead we are still here, together, and selfishly-- I didn't want to be alone.
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... you got used to being together. Even if it's a toxic sort of relationship, it's better to be together than to struggle by yourself. [ they do not ask for clarification of who "he" is, but they almost seem to know without asking? ] What makes you so sure it's something that's wrong with you that's twisted everything and not a co-created problem?
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I guess I can't. Whatever we are now, neither of us is the same. But there is a great deal wrong with me. Probably all the years of being kicked in the head. He wanted Justice, I wanted to make them pay.
[ vengeance. ]
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Does it ever get confusing for you? Know what his wants are versus your own.
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We ... aren't able to speak like we used to. But our wants are aligned, most of the time. We disagree on very few things.
[ i mean theres a couple of Big Ones, but. ]
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And of those few things... good or bad? I think disagreeing on small things isn't bad, but a huge discrepancy of morals might be a problem. [ but. ] Did the disconnect start here?
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It's ... hard to qualify. [ justice doesn't exactly care for hawke, for one. ] No. If anything it's quieter here. I'm not losing time.
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A swinging pendulum then. [ they interpret that as they change on the day, if this other entity (?) inside anders has its own thoughts and feelings on things. ] You said you didn't want to be alone. Do you think you would have felt that way even with so many people around right now?
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It isn't exactly being around people. I'm around plenty of people. I always have been-- from the time I was in the Circle tower to being around everyone with Hawke all of the time. It is more idealogical.
[ about not feeling like you're fighting a hopeless battle entirely by yourself. that was the promise that was made, at any rate. they would help each other to achieve things they never could on their own. ]
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Outside noise versus inside noise? It's easier to work through things on your own without everybody's opinions on your shoulders. "You're better than that." "How could you be so reckless?" "What the fuck were you thinking?"
[ they take a sip from their glass. ]
Or I don't know what idealogical means.
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Justice does not let me drink.
[ but justice isn't quite as strong as he has been. so, sort of reaching towards the glass like he's testing if he can or not. ]
Something like that. Perhaps more "you are a lunatic for thinking this way." Or "it is a lost cause."
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I've heard the last one a lot. Definitely top ten, if not top five.