[ this is a bit dramatic. but see how i brought it around to mage rights. ]
In the Circle, it is not allowed. Mostly for fear of unions resulting in child, but it’s not as if you are allowed anything like love. It is seen as conspiracy, fraternization. An act to be punished. I was … with someone, for a time. It was the most content I had ever managed to be in the Circle. For a time I even stopped my escape attempts, resigned myself to life there, because at least we were together. And they separated us regardless and sent him to the Kirkwall Circle, because the point is punishment, not keeping us safe from anything.
Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
[ oh no this is actually depressing. ramiel listens, and kind of takes a moment to process and think about this. ]
Letting go of the one you love is one of the hardest things there is. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
But I understand choosing duty over your own happiness. Sometimes it's what's necessary. It sounds as if it was what was necessary for you in life.
[ they're usually one to press reminders that no one here is alive anymore, and that any duties they had before could be left behind. the afterlife can be a reprieve from responsibility. but this time they just leave the implication instead of saying it out loud. ]
[ their posture shifts like they're about to try to put their hands behind their back in their reflexive professionalism pose. but their hands are full of candy so they realize they can't do that. anyway. ]
Acting out of love... has cost me things. Acting out of duty instead hasn't hurt any less. But in each case, I did what I felt was right for the situation, and for the people that I care about. Whether that was the one I love, or—everyone's best interests first.
[ okay sorry that gets him a little bit. the attempt at being a cool, consummate professional talking about giving up on love and then also hands full of candy. okay DORK. ]
I thought, maybe, when I died-- Justice could be free. He would be allowed to return to the Fade, and his true self, instead of whatever creature I have twisted us into.
You probably know more than you believe. There are demons that reflect the worst of our sins: Wrath, Rage, Pride. And spirits that embody the best of what we can aspire to. Faith, Love, Wisdom. Justice.
Justice is an ideal. A rare one. True justice is so infrequent in the world - it is not something most people are willing to sacrifice for, or bother to seek out. He is a spirit that seeks to carry out this virtue.
In a sense. We aren't ... two distinct beings. When we decided we would become this way, we became one thing. One creature who is neither entirely human nor entirely spirit. I could not tell you where I end and he begins, or the other way around.
Because there still exists a chance that you would return to life, your bodies are still somewhat tethered to the state of them in life. This may not be permanent, should you stay in Heaven.
[ they have. thoughts. but they are clarifying that instead of saying them. then checking: ]
I don't know. I feel ... guilt, about what I've done to him. He is still my friend. He cares for me in his own way. And I cannot be responsible any longer for taking something like true Justice from the world - it is too great a loss. It would make me the monster I fear I am.
And I don't know that I would be whole again, if we were separate. It is not as if who I was before remains intact as he was either. What if what is left is too little to hold together.
Can the concept of justice not exist in the world without the spirit of Justice?
[ this is a genuine question, they don't totally understand how that works. ]
... We are changed by what happens to us in life. The things that we lose. Who we become as we grow around that loss. But there would be so much time to heal, you know? And to do so at your own pace.
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No. In fact, I think all romance might be dead forever.
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Oh, don't say that.
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It is. At least for me, not that it was ever possible to begin with.
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... Why is that? You can't fall in love? [ no, ]
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No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love.
[ this is a bit dramatic. but see how i brought it around to mage rights. ]
In the Circle, it is not allowed. Mostly for fear of unions resulting in child, but it’s not as if you are allowed anything like love. It is seen as conspiracy, fraternization. An act to be punished. I was … with someone, for a time. It was the most content I had ever managed to be in the Circle. For a time I even stopped my escape attempts, resigned myself to life there, because at least we were together. And they separated us regardless and sent him to the Kirkwall Circle, because the point is punishment, not keeping us safe from anything.
Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
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Letting go of the one you love is one of the hardest things there is. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
But I understand choosing duty over your own happiness. Sometimes it's what's necessary. It sounds as if it was what was necessary for you in life.
[ they're usually one to press reminders that no one here is alive anymore, and that any duties they had before could be left behind. the afterlife can be a reprieve from responsibility. but this time they just leave the implication instead of saying it out loud. ]
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Still, you don't expect to have time to regret it.
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Do you regret it?
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Do you?
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[ their posture shifts like they're about to try to put their hands behind their back in their reflexive professionalism pose. but their hands are full of candy so they realize they can't do that. anyway. ]
Acting out of love... has cost me things. Acting out of duty instead hasn't hurt any less. But in each case, I did what I felt was right for the situation, and for the people that I care about. Whether that was the one I love, or—everyone's best interests first.
Hurt and regret are different, I think.
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And how did this love of yours take that?
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... They agree with me about our broader goals. And they don't love me. So.
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... I understand that.
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[ shrugs. ]
In the end, it doesn't change what's most important. It's the duty of the living to protect others. Even if there's a cost.
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... Is what I would like to think.
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I'm not sure I understand.
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Justice is an ideal. A rare one. True justice is so infrequent in the world - it is not something most people are willing to sacrifice for, or bother to seek out. He is a spirit that seeks to carry out this virtue.
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And he dwells within you?
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[ they have. thoughts. but they are clarifying that instead of saying them. then checking: ]
You want to be apart?
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[ ... ]
I don't know. I feel ... guilt, about what I've done to him. He is still my friend. He cares for me in his own way. And I cannot be responsible any longer for taking something like true Justice from the world - it is too great a loss. It would make me the monster I fear I am.
And I don't know that I would be whole again, if we were separate. It is not as if who I was before remains intact as he was either. What if what is left is too little to hold together.
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[ this is a genuine question, they don't totally understand how that works. ]
... We are changed by what happens to us in life. The things that we lose. Who we become as we grow around that loss. But there would be so much time to heal, you know? And to do so at your own pace.